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Angry at DH

(131 Posts)
Iamnotagoddess Mon 29-Jul-19 18:33:58

DH doesn’t usually have to “ask” for his kids to come here. We do normally agree on dates together though in the holidays and we have then EOW.

He works away so is only here weekends and has to travel to collect his kids. He and his ex are tbf terrible at pre arranging dates and seem to just organise things on an as hoc basis, and a week we have taken off we cannot have the kids because his ex has made plans with them

We are having a lot of building work done this week, house is filthy, in total disarray (DS has gone to stay with his dad) both lounges and dining room are completely unusable, I am sitting in our bedroom in the evening watching TV and eating in here so DH calls me tonight to say he’s coming home tomorrow (was due back on sat) and he’s collecting his kids and bringing them with him.

WHY?! Why would he think that’s a good idea?

OP’s posts: |
endofthelinefinally Wed 31-Jul-19 10:41:10

Ok.

Iamnotagoddess Wed 31-Jul-19 09:56:04

@endofthelinefinally

Thanks I am aware of the need to make a will.

It’s not high on my list of priorities atm.

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Wed 31-Jul-19 08:56:52

@Magda72, saying the nrp has to get over it is saying the kids have to by proxi.

You accuse me if projecting but you are doing just the same. Your kids might feel at home at their dads despite not consider the house their home but it doesn't mean all kids would feel this way. My DD is like your kids, she adapts well and despite not having her home room at her dads, she feels at home there. She is also very extroverted. My DS is introverted and never felt at home there.

I really don't get this 'its my house and that if my kids but not yours because they are there fewer days'. Does this apply to partners who work away? Do they not get to come home to their house but instead come to their partners home because they spend more day there? Even when they contribute to all the bills because they have a flat they live in during the week?

Is total number of days spent somewhere makes a place more their home?

I don't agree people feel they have one home. I felt I had two homes because it was considered so by both sets of parents. I had plenty of belongings at my dad and felt I could relax as much in my bedroom there than at my mum's.

Why is it for the nrp only to decide that their skids shouldn't feel they can relax as much at their dads house than their mums?

Magda72 Wed 31-Jul-19 08:33:25

@swingofthings - firstly I never said the kids had to get over themselves, I said the nrp does!
And secondly I never mentioned sm's in my post regarding this matter so you are totally projecting your own sm 'stuff' in this instance.
To clarify: my kids feel very at home at their dad's but they don't view it as Home. They themselves have told me that, & that their dad insisting his place is as equally their home as my place just doesn't wash in their eyes. They are fine with this - he isn't, because yet again misplaced nrp guilt has him in denial about the realities of divorce - one of which is that not all his kids live with him. This is HIS issue, not mine, not the kids, not his dw's & yes he needs to get over it & stop making the kids responsible for his feelings.
A person can feel very at home in many places - with aunties, uncles, grandparents & even friends - but that doesn't mean you regard all these places as Home!
My dp is exactly the same. His insistence on us creating a Home for his kids is causing all kinds of crap. They don't want a Home with us - their home is with their dm - & him trying to force what HE alone wants onto his kids is fair on no one & is making a not great situation 100 times worse!
Home is where we most relax, where we have most of our belongings & where we mainly want to be when we are tired, low or unwell. Most people (inc. kids) in my experience feel they have one Home, even if they feel very comfortable & loved in other places. Trying to force them to accept an adult's take on this serves no one (imo).

endofthelinefinally Wed 31-Jul-19 08:31:11

But you have married him OP.
Your inheritance is now half his.
And if you haven't made a will since you got married and you die before him, he gets the lot and then his dc. Your dc gets nothing.
You need to think hard on this.

swingofthings Wed 31-Jul-19 06:35:59

I also don't believe that every nrp's house is a home for their kids & nrps's (my own dp included) need to get over themselves in this respect
Another post where children from first relationship have to 'get over' themselves thing because it suits not the new family as a whole but the SM. Next there will discussion about how all children should be treated the same when under the same roof... Well that is when it suits!

If you want to treat the kids in the same household the same, discipline them the same ect... then of course they have to feel they are at home too. I am so thankful my dad insisted on that and although my SM found it hard, she did so too.

But of course, there's never any double standards in SMs world!

Magda72 Wed 31-Jul-19 00:23:06

Op I think it's safe to say now that it's understandable why his kids are so badly behaved! Throwing stuff at you is just not ok, at all.
I have spent this week pointing out to my dp that his inability to get a handle on being an nrp & his inability to deal with the fact that divorce often means not getting to live ft with your kids is ruining our relationship & that I am seriously on the point of walking unless he can get some handle on his emotions around this issue.
I honestly feel this is make or break for us - after 5 years together he either makes valiant efforts now or I fear it will be like this forever & I just can't live like this anymore.
I say this because I think your dp is in a similar place. If he isn't prepared to take responsibility for his emotions & his kids you'll always be the scapegoat.
I hope you get some sleep tonight & that you are ok.
thanks

RandomMess Tue 30-Jul-19 23:39:25

I think it's more the constant drip of his DC on a pedestal, can do no wrong, can be rude and awful to you and your DC and future DGC... how is that going to make your DC feel, are they going to want to spend time at yours?

I've seen it in other families, the chosen ones get generous pocket money, lovely holidays, cars and so on all the while being disrespectful and their parent supporting that attitude.

Entirely up to you but not a dynamic I would but up with.

ReeReeR Tue 30-Jul-19 23:36:18

Ignore him OP. Don’t let him get you worked up. Have a good night’s rest. For as long as you are with him the best thing you can do is not let him affect your mental health. He is the problem. Don’t ever let him make you think that you are.

Iamnotagoddess Tue 30-Jul-19 23:34:10

I don’t really care about the money, the kids do.

Thing is I stand to inherit a lot more from my own family, which I do not plan on leaving to my DSC as they also have wealthy GPs, and will leave solely to my own children.?

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Tue 30-Jul-19 23:30:17

Sorry I would be divorcing him before he gains an even greater financial share in your property..

His DD will take priority over your DC.

Iamnotagoddess Tue 30-Jul-19 23:28:15

He makes lots of threats and never resolved anything and I am losing my patience with his excuses to basically behave like an abusive twat.

He went into another room to sleep with great panache. I said “don’t worry I wasn’t planning on shagging you” hmm

OP’s posts: |
timeisnotaline Tue 30-Jul-19 23:26:27

Hmmm to your very mature dh, that sounds a bit hard to get over op. I think his phone should be maturely smashed to bits actually (he doesn’t sound very contactable anyway so not so much of a loss for you!)

Renovating is a nightmare. We are about to rent a house out to a family renovating. One of my best friends is living with her mum while she renovates. Another is renting another house while she renovates. Not wanting children running around is pretty normal. The ops dh is being a dick.

LakeIsle48 Tue 30-Jul-19 23:24:40

OMG you poor thing! Your DH is an idiot, what on earth was he thinking. Two teen/pre teen sisters lobbed in for good measure. Only one of them will come out alive. I feel for you.

RandomMess Tue 30-Jul-19 23:23:38

He will Disney parent forever and anytime things aren't ok between him and his DDs you will be blamed. This isn't going to end well.

Iamnotagoddess Tue 30-Jul-19 23:20:42

Possibly not sad

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Tue 30-Jul-19 23:13:14

What an utter dick he isn't ever going to grow up is he...

Iamnotagoddess Tue 30-Jul-19 23:11:06

*home town

OP’s posts: |
Iamnotagoddess Tue 30-Jul-19 23:10:23

So he has come home tonight after being an absolute arse for a whole day. I suggested he stays in girls home tonight and takes them to his mother tomorrow.

He arrived here out of the blue without the kids saying that I had said we couldn’t have them.

He has behaved like an absolute dick since then and a martyr.

I have done more for those kids that both parents put together (to protect them).

He is sleeping in their room (his choice) and threw his phone at me then blamed me for it, which has base me seriously review what I really want here.

OP’s posts: |
SandyY2K Tue 30-Jul-19 18:09:12

Does he know your DS isn't there? Because of the renovations?

If so, I'd go out when he's due to come back with them and let him sort out space for them.

Unless he sees the state of the place and has to actually do something...Luke clear things and move stuff, he won't appreciate what you're talking about.

They do sound particularly destructive. I have DDs now in their late teens and I have lots of nieces and nephews.....none are destructive.

It sounds like a case of poor parenting on his part.

After destroying her phone...even her mum said dad shouldn't buy another one and he did....only to be damaged again. Sounds like he feels guilty for not being around much.

Nobody is saying a SM has to love or like SC no matter what. Tbh I would struggle to like a child, let alone love a child who had no respect for property and damaged it with no regard. A 12 and 14 yo spilling drinks repeatedly are simply very careless and lacking in common sense... what is it you love about them...because whether or not you're having renovations done...you've said you're stressed when they come round...even when you're working.

pikapikachu Tue 30-Jul-19 16:47:35

I think that you've had unnecessarily harsh replies here. Make sure your h does the cleaning and entertaining. I don't blame you for not wanting to have the dsd round while there's so much chaos in the house. Do they know what kind of bombsite to expect?

Tyersal Tue 30-Jul-19 16:41:51

@Magda72 great post

Magda72 Tue 30-Jul-19 14:23:22

Jeez @Iamnotagoddess - you're getting an unnecessarily hard time! You have my sympathies - I'm trying to sell a house at the minute (different but similar to your situation) & am on the verge of asking exh & dw to take my two for a few days while I have viewings. Also told my eldest (who lives away) not to come home for a few days! And I'm neither uptight nor dramatic (some of the things you've been accused of).
I also don't believe that every nrp's house is a home for their kids & nrps's (my own dp included) need to get over themselves in this respect. My kids (who have a great relationship with their sm & younger half siblings) don't view their dad's house as 'home'. For them there's home (with me) & dad's. No one is bothered by this distinction except exh who takes it personally, all the while ignoring the fact that the kids are very happy visiting him (which is how the kids see it). I'd be pretty certain your sds' don't view your house as home either. There's nothing wrong with this so long as they're treated well when they're with you.
You're working, feeling under the weather & dealing with builders. You're dh needs to get over himself & realise that adding 2 kids who will need full on entertaining (as there will be no place in the house to have down time) into the mix is crazy!!
As you can't contact him I'd just make sure to take yourself out of the house as much as you can & leave him with the kids & the mess.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 30-Jul-19 13:50:12

Op sent her own son elsewhere, why is it unfair to ask step kids to do the same esp when not a pre arranged visit.
It isn't!

swingofthings Tue 30-Jul-19 12:48:26

It might have been your home before but you married him surely it became his house too and by default his kids.

Moving into ones house from before rarely works because of it. It was your house before, he is there only weekends, it is obvious you still treats the house as yours.

Maybe you should consider moving somewhere new jointly where there's less history.

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