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Angry at DH

(131 Posts)
Iamnotagoddess Mon 29-Jul-19 18:33:58

DH doesn’t usually have to “ask” for his kids to come here. We do normally agree on dates together though in the holidays and we have then EOW.

He works away so is only here weekends and has to travel to collect his kids. He and his ex are tbf terrible at pre arranging dates and seem to just organise things on an as hoc basis, and a week we have taken off we cannot have the kids because his ex has made plans with them

We are having a lot of building work done this week, house is filthy, in total disarray (DS has gone to stay with his dad) both lounges and dining room are completely unusable, I am sitting in our bedroom in the evening watching TV and eating in here so DH calls me tonight to say he’s coming home tomorrow (was due back on sat) and he’s collecting his kids and bringing them with him.

WHY?! Why would he think that’s a good idea?

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Wed 31-Jul-19 06:35:59

I also don't believe that every nrp's house is a home for their kids & nrps's (my own dp included) need to get over themselves in this respect
Another post where children from first relationship have to 'get over' themselves thing because it suits not the new family as a whole but the SM. Next there will discussion about how all children should be treated the same when under the same roof... Well that is when it suits!

If you want to treat the kids in the same household the same, discipline them the same ect... then of course they have to feel they are at home too. I am so thankful my dad insisted on that and although my SM found it hard, she did so too.

But of course, there's never any double standards in SMs world!

endofthelinefinally Wed 31-Jul-19 08:31:11

But you have married him OP.
Your inheritance is now half his.
And if you haven't made a will since you got married and you die before him, he gets the lot and then his dc. Your dc gets nothing.
You need to think hard on this.

Magda72 Wed 31-Jul-19 08:33:25

@swingofthings - firstly I never said the kids had to get over themselves, I said the nrp does!
And secondly I never mentioned sm's in my post regarding this matter so you are totally projecting your own sm 'stuff' in this instance.
To clarify: my kids feel very at home at their dad's but they don't view it as Home. They themselves have told me that, & that their dad insisting his place is as equally their home as my place just doesn't wash in their eyes. They are fine with this - he isn't, because yet again misplaced nrp guilt has him in denial about the realities of divorce - one of which is that not all his kids live with him. This is HIS issue, not mine, not the kids, not his dw's & yes he needs to get over it & stop making the kids responsible for his feelings.
A person can feel very at home in many places - with aunties, uncles, grandparents & even friends - but that doesn't mean you regard all these places as Home!
My dp is exactly the same. His insistence on us creating a Home for his kids is causing all kinds of crap. They don't want a Home with us - their home is with their dm - & him trying to force what HE alone wants onto his kids is fair on no one & is making a not great situation 100 times worse!
Home is where we most relax, where we have most of our belongings & where we mainly want to be when we are tired, low or unwell. Most people (inc. kids) in my experience feel they have one Home, even if they feel very comfortable & loved in other places. Trying to force them to accept an adult's take on this serves no one (imo).

swingofthings Wed 31-Jul-19 08:56:52

@Magda72, saying the nrp has to get over it is saying the kids have to by proxi.

You accuse me if projecting but you are doing just the same. Your kids might feel at home at their dads despite not consider the house their home but it doesn't mean all kids would feel this way. My DD is like your kids, she adapts well and despite not having her home room at her dads, she feels at home there. She is also very extroverted. My DS is introverted and never felt at home there.

I really don't get this 'its my house and that if my kids but not yours because they are there fewer days'. Does this apply to partners who work away? Do they not get to come home to their house but instead come to their partners home because they spend more day there? Even when they contribute to all the bills because they have a flat they live in during the week?

Is total number of days spent somewhere makes a place more their home?

I don't agree people feel they have one home. I felt I had two homes because it was considered so by both sets of parents. I had plenty of belongings at my dad and felt I could relax as much in my bedroom there than at my mum's.

Why is it for the nrp only to decide that their skids shouldn't feel they can relax as much at their dads house than their mums?

Iamnotagoddess Wed 31-Jul-19 09:56:04

@endofthelinefinally

Thanks I am aware of the need to make a will.

It’s not high on my list of priorities atm.

OP’s posts: |
endofthelinefinally Wed 31-Jul-19 10:41:10

Ok.

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