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"Do you love her?"

(26 Posts)
whatthehelldowecare Fri 26-Jul-19 12:45:33

Myself, DP and DSD9 were all at a wedding together at the weekend.

Background: Myself and DSD have a great relationship, she's genuinely made it an absolute dream to be part of their lives and there have been no bumps at all along the way. I've seen with her dad for 4 years, known her 3 years and myself and DP are getting married next year - she's excited, happy and all is good.

At this wedding, (DP's family) myself and DSD hardly see my DP. I'm a little pissed for but it's his family, most of whom he's not seen in over a year so I let him get on with it and myself and DSD have a lovely day chatting to family, dancing and playing.

Later in the night DP is chatting to a friend of the groom and we go over and say hello. Friend can't believe that DSD is DP kid and is asking all these questions about what it's like to have 'such young parents'. DP is 29, DSD 9 so hardly anything too scandalous. The friend (who is very drunk at this point) then says 'OH SO IS SHE (me) AN EVIL STEP MUM?!' DSD says no she's not, that I'm the best. All lovely. The friend then says to DSD 'Aw that's so nice, do you love her then?'

I love DSD very very much and I'm sure she knows it. I don't make a fuss about it and would rarely say to her in a 1 on 1 situation that I do. This is because, although I have no doubt that we have a good relationship and she likes me being around, I don't know if she would be comfortable saying it back and I don't want to put her in the position of feeling like she has to.

So at this point I just give DSD a hug and say 'awk don't put her on the spot like that, we're best friends and that's all that matters'.

Steaming guy doesn't let it go. 'No that's not what I asked - I asked her if she loves you' and on it goes. DSD gets upset, but I patch it over and we leave. We all go home happily, laugh at the drunk annoying man and enjoy the rest of the break.

We now however have her mum on the phone, raging that we've put DSD in such an awkward position and that she's been really upset about it.

I'm surprised, because she did genuinely seem fine for the 3 days after that we had her with us and gave no indication that she was upset still. I'm so so so annoyed at the stupid drunk stranger for causing this!

Help on making this better?

OP’s posts: |
TheChain Fri 26-Jul-19 13:23:05

Tell the mum exactly what happened, that a drunk guy was being a dick and it’s not your fault.
Emphasise you never pressurise DD in your interactions with her and you’d never intentionally upset her.

Then leave it at that

anon812 Fri 26-Jul-19 13:27:02

Yeh agree, say it was some random drunk dude being a knob is is totally the truth. What an idiot!

Pineapplefish Fri 26-Jul-19 15:27:57

Yes - say that you were really cross about it too!

lunar1 Fri 26-Jul-19 16:03:15

I think I'd just get your dp to explain exactly what happened to her mum, and maybe add on that he's sorry it went on as long as it did, he could have put a stop to it quicker.

If the mum is always on the phone like this I'd make the explanation very brief. If it doesn't happen often I'd be more open.

I don't think thats a family member I'd be visiting again, the evil step mother comment alone would have had me out of there.

SandyY2K Fri 26-Jul-19 18:02:34

Speak to her mum and tell her what you've said. You did nothing wrong here.

Alcohol makes some people absolute idiots.

FreddiesMammy Fri 26-Jul-19 18:09:00

Just call the mum and explain what has happened. You’ve done nothing wrong

oogle1 Fri 26-Jul-19 18:18:27

It sounds like you handled it perfectly. It's a shame her Mum has got upset without speaking with you and your DP first.

You or he should have a chat with her and explain you were equally as annoyed by it. I feel for you though. I am a SM and my situation sounds like yours... we work hard to build a relationships with our SC and don't need an drunken arse to cause issues for us!

WelshMoth Fri 26-Jul-19 18:28:11

You sound a fab step-Mum. How do you and the Mum normally get on?

I'd definitely talk this through with her. Of course, you 'love' her as I do mine, but we're all too aware of their own Mums and, speaking from my own experience, I'd never want that Mum-Daughter relationship to be diluted in any way.

That man was an arse who clearly doesn't understand how fragile this family dynamic can be.

whatthehelldowecare Fri 26-Jul-19 18:59:32

We normally get on fine with her mum really, or as well as is possible in these circumstances anyway. I get the impression she's not all too fond of me but hasn't done anything to make anything overly difficult, which I take as being a positive.

I guess what I'm more concerned about is if DSD has gone home and has been genuinely upset about it. I'd hate to think that anything, let alone a stupid drunk arse, makes her feel uncomfortable in any way about her relationship with me.

I hope it's her mum that's just blown it out of context. DP told her what happened and she had a grumble but that was it. DSD seemed totally fine for the rest of the time we were away. As someone's mentioned, I'm aware how fragile these relationships can be and I don't know whether to speak to DSD myself about it

OP’s posts: |
WelshMoth Fri 26-Jul-19 19:09:35

I'd give your DSD a mighty big hug and sit her down and chat to her about it. Tell her you love and absolutely adore her and that the three of you are a team. I'd also add something like this "while I'm not your Mam, I'd absolutely do anything and everything to love and protect you whilst you're with us, because that's what your Mam would want, and that's what you deserve - because you're lovely. --and don't let some drunken arsehole spoil it for us--"

Perhaps leave out the end bit.

whatthehelldowecare Fri 26-Jul-19 19:49:57

@WelshMoth jeez I was welling up just reading that - that's exactly how I feel about her, and us as a family.

I think I will do that, but stress that it's ok for her to feel however she feels. I know she likes me being around, I'm sure of that, so no need to make her feel like she has to reassure me

OP’s posts: |
Herefortheduration Fri 26-Jul-19 20:26:03

I had that talk with my step daughter years ago, saying I loved her and that we were family, that I knew she had her own mum but we'd be friends forever. Years later she cane to live with us and we now openly say we love each other, even though I still never come between her and her mum. I genuinely love her and involve her in everything.

WelshMoth Fri 26-Jul-19 20:38:08

It's complex on so many levels with so many possible dynamics at work here. The most tricky one to navigate is if Mam is insecure and, now that I'm a Step-Mam AND a Mam myself, I totally get why Mam's are insecure with new partners/step-mams on the scene. Our children are precious and we fiercely guard them! Maybe Mam is insecure and projecting, in which case, saying something similar could help smooth things out with her. Or, DD could be feeling guilty and disloyal to her Mam if she's forced to admit her loving feelings for you.

Either way - an open and honest chat will sort this. You sound utterly lovely with her - she will grow up trusting you forever. What better reward is there?

flowers

whatthehelldowecare Fri 26-Jul-19 20:51:31

@WelshMoth having grown up with the stereotypical 'evil stepmum' I wasn't try my best forever to make she never feels towards me the way I did towards her. Thanks for this though, you've been so lovely 💕

OP’s posts: |
WelshMoth Fri 26-Jul-19 22:56:55

Yes well, us non-evil-Step-Mams do exist- Herefortheduration and you are testimony to this.

It is SOOOOO tricky but once the balance is struck, it's a bloody lifelong rewarding experience. I'd give my
Step DD anything and she knows it. It really helps that her Mam and me have a relationship of our own built on mutual respect and her Mam
knowing that I'd walk over hot coals for her daughter - not because I want to replace her as a Mam, but because she's a bloody fantastic kid!

It's incredibly rewarding and has given me dimensions to my life that wouldn't have existed beforehand.

You sound very similar OP. All step-power to you thanksgrin

WelshMoth Fri 26-Jul-19 22:58:16

...meant to add...

Having read your last post - you've actually got something to thank your own Step-Mam
for - How NOT to be!

whatthehelldowecare Fri 26-Jul-19 23:20:19

@WelshMoth all praise us fairy step mums! Yourself and the few several glasses of wine I've had tonight have put my mind at ease!

Have a great weekend and thanks for being so lovely thanks

OP’s posts: |
Iamnotagoddess Sat 27-Jul-19 09:08:22

Is this a stealth boast at what a wonderful stepmother you are as to me this is a total non issue.

Drunk stranger at a wedding confused

WelshMoth Sat 27-Jul-19 13:05:41

@Iamnotagoddess Don't be an arse. If you don't like the tone of the thread, pass on by.

Herefortheduration Sat 27-Jul-19 14:28:54

Iamnotagoddess
Testimony to damned if you do and damned if you don't. "I don't love my step daughter" evil bitch "I love my step daughter" stealth boast.

whatthehelldowecare Sat 27-Jul-19 15:14:15

@Iamnotagoddess not a 'non issue' at all. Apologies, I thought I'd clearly explained the issue(s) were 1) an upset DSD 2) my desire to ensure it doesn't affect our relationship or leave her uncomfortable 3) her raging mum.

I was looking for, and got, advice on how to deal with these issues.

Hope that clears things up 🙂

And for the record - I know I'm a damn god stepmum.. nothing but blatant boasting from me

OP’s posts: |
whatthehelldowecare Sat 27-Jul-19 15:16:02

Good*

OP’s posts: |
readitandwept Sat 27-Jul-19 16:24:59

@whatthehelldowecare pay no attention to @Iamnotagoddess

She has her own thread running where she has also been told she is posting about a non issue, and her resentment of her sc is quite evident.

InTheHeatofLisbon Sat 27-Jul-19 16:30:10

I think it's a tough one, you couldn't have dealt with it any differently (and you do sound like a lovely SM), equally Mum has no idea of the actual situation but has seen her DD really upset and is angry about it.

Would it help if you explained exactly what had happened (including your response to the dickhead) and that you were pissed off too?

I can see both sides I guess, I can get fucked off when DS1 comes home upset but would ask his SM (because his dad is fucking useless) for her take and then go from there.

I hope it gets sorted soon, and that dickhead had a monster hangover!

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