DP’s kids taking things that don’t belong to them

[TheChain]

I’m a bit annoyed today. DP and I have been together for 4 years but don’t live together, we tend to split our time between our two homes.
We both have 2 DCs from previous relationships.

I keep a few things at DP’s, just a toiletries, some hair things and pjs. Very minimal.

Recently my toiletries have been found missing, I’m not talking about little things like shampoo but expensive face creams (upwards of £30) and also a pair of GHD hair straighteners I bought to keep there.

Youngest SD has said she’s seen these things in her sisters room at their mum’s house which means eldest SD has been going to DP’s house when he isn’t home and stealing my things. She’s nearly 15 so she knows what she’s doing.

DP said he’s sorry to me but then hasn’t offered to replace the items or even tell SD off because “he doesn’t want to upset her”.

What about my upset? I’m not happy and having had over £200 worth of things stolen and I can’t afford to replace them. I’m on a very limited income and bought these items with money given to me by family members for a significant birthday (think money in cards from my mum and brother etc).

Also his youngest DD keeps stealing from my DD. Most recently a pair of shoes... I bought them both a pair of identical shoes for a party (they wanted matching outfits) and my DD has only with hers that one time, but we’re going on holiday next week and I wanted to take them with us.
SD has worn hers so much they are filthy, coming apart at the seams and so just helped herself to my DDs pair instead.

It went unnoticed for a week or two because like I said, my DD hasn’t been wearing hers. But I brought it up with her and asked if she had taken them by mistake and the ruined pair were then returned to us with her insisting the immaculate pair were hers!

I don’t know how to tackle this because my DP seems to be reluctant to tell them off or replace the items, but I now feel like I cannot leave anything at his house or have his children in my home because they are so light-fingered.

What do I do?

[TheChain]

Sorry for the typos.

My DD has only worn her shoes that one time for the party I meant to say

[unmumsymumof2]

He needs to speak to them. 'Not upsetting' them by not saying anything isn't an option.

I don't mean he needs to scream and shout at them but by no means should they be helping themselves to things that belong to you, specially expensive items! At 15 she really should know better.

What's she like at home? Do you get on generally? I was just wondering if it's an attention thing for her.

[Undercoverdetective]

All the adults are saying it's ok to take other people's things as there won't be any consequences. Is that really the lesson you want to teach your children. You are in a relationship with a man who thinks stealing is ok. You need to sit down and discuss rules and boundaries and stolen items need to be returned. If she wants straighteners she needs to buy them with her own birthday money.

[NorthEndGal]

If he won't be an adult, do you want to stay with him?

[HeadintheiClouds]

He sounds a bit dim, allowing behaviour like this to go unchecked because he doesn’t want to upset her. What if she’d been nicking things at school, would he react the same way or is it just you he deems unworthy of respect, I wonder?
I really wouldn’t like to be stuck in the middle of this

[WhatTheAbsoluteFuck]

I’d be removing all my things from his house, and refusing to stay there until he deals with this. I also wouldn’t have him or his DC at my house either.

And if he doesn’t deal with it, LTB.

I have no time for spineless parents.

[TheChain]

What's she like at home? Do you get on generally? I was just wondering if it's an attention thing for her

We get on so well! Especially the eldest SD and I, in fact it’s a bit of a running joke that she talks to me more than her own parents. This is why I’m finding this so awkward?
I think she just likes the nice things I have so is helping herself? She knows it’s wrong but I don’t think it is targeted at me, does that make sense?
She calls me and wants to spend time with me a lot so she definitely likes me.

Youngest SD has some jealously issues with my DD as they are the same age. I’m more concerned with this to be honest, she tends to take things that aren’t necessarily of great value or that she actually wants but things that would cause upset or inconvenience to my DD.
For example previously she’s taken the middle novel in a series of books DDs reading, or something crucial to an activity DD is doing like the mixing jar for a make your own perfume kit DD was enjoying using.

[TheChain]

I’d be removing all my things from his house
I have, and I’ve insisted my hair straighteners are returned immediately.

[TheChain]

What if she’d been nicking things at school, would he react the same way or is it just you he deems unworthy of respect, I wonder?
2 years ago oldest SD was caught shoplifting and had no real repercussions, just lost her phone privileges for a day or two. If it was my kid I’d have gone nuclear

[Fizzypoo]

Honestly if he thinks that little of you and your DC what is the point in being with him.

Discipline is one issue but him not offering to replace yours and your dds stuff is taking the fucking piss.

You don't live together, the times you have are emotional ones. I'd cut him off and move on.

[StressyDressyHeels]

When would your OH draw the line? Cash? Items of sentimental value? Obviously the shoplifting isn’t a concern.

I’d be worried about my own DC associating with your DSC sending a very dangerous message.

[TheChain]

It’s not all time and sometimes the missing items aren’t noticed to be missing for a while so I can’t always pinpoint when it happened so DP brushes it off as “How do you know it was SD?”
Because it very clearly is. The face cream and shoes are just the most provable examples which is why I’ve mentioned them in my OP... there is no doubt these things were taken by them, there’s no denying it.

Other times though I know it’s them but I can’t prove it which makes it harder and DP gets defensive and implies I’m making wild accusations.

I once left a very expensive bra at DPs, when I was there the next time I went to pack it in my overnight bag and noticed the straps had been cut off. They couldn’t possibly have fallen off, they were deliberately snipped with scissors which conveniently and unusually were in DP’s bedroom and not the kitchen drawer where they’re usually kept.

Again we couldn’t prove which child had done it so nothing was really done

[HeadintheiClouds]

Why are these kids spending so much time in your home when you don’t even live together? Does your dp has full custody? Being able to help themselves to your children’s clothes unnoticed sounds odd.

[TheChain]

I have a much bigger house so they often want to come over to play.
It’s not all the time, DP has them official EOW but in reality it’s a lot more than that.

The shoes thing was because they were in the shoe rack in my hallway, she must have just put them in her bag

[HeadintheiClouds]

Come over to play? At 15?

[TheChain]

@HeadintheiClouds no the younger SD who is 10.
Older SD who is nearly 15 stole the items I’d left in a drawer a DP’s house

[fedup21]

Your partner is being a twat not dealing with these issues. I would struggle to get past the cut bra straps and the missing shoes but if someone pinched my GHDs and my partner did nothing, I’m afraid I’d be off!

[TheChain]

Also I have a big garden with a small pool which older SD loves using

[TheChain]

The cut bra straps were a few years ago now but seemed like a deliberate act of spite which makes me inclined to believe it’s the younger SD, it’s her M.O to destroy things if she’s not happy. Luckily it’s rare but I’d bet my money on it that it was her and not the older child

[Fizzypoo]

Oh well, they'll miss that when you don't have them over anymore as they cant be trusted not to steal 🤷‍♀️

Your dp is a spineless twat who needs to dad up and actually parent them. His job is to teach them how to be independent adults who are happy and confident. Not little thief's.

[TheChain]

I just have no idea why they’re doing it, I’m very generous with them... like I said the shoes were a gift from me to younger SD.
And if older SD asks to use my toiletries/things I have no problem and I’m happy to share. What I have a problem with is them just helping themselves or stealing them

[HeadintheiClouds]

Well, you need to make it plain that they’re not welcome in your home unless they show more respect for your possessions, and you will no longer be staying over at his until the same thing happens there.
His response will tell you whether this relationship is viable or not.
Personally I’d bail now, he doesn’t sound like he has much integrity or even basic niceness?

[Hadalifeonce]

You need to have a frank discussion with you DP; it is not acceptable for your and your DD's things to be taken/abused by his DDs; he might not want to upset them, but is quite happy that you are upset? They are stealing from people they supposedly like, that is absolutely not on and he should should demand his DDs return everything they have taken, and then punish them accordingly.
If he fails to address this issue, you seriously have to look at the relationship, not having things at his house which you have bought, and not having his DDs at yours, if they get upset, you can let them know why.

[Pineapplefish]

YANBU to feel really cross about this.

However, I think you're right not to take it too personally and spoil an otherwise good relationship.

As your DP is refusing to deal with it properly I think the only thing you can do is not give them any opportunity to take your stuff. Don't leave anything at your DP's place in future.

[Joh66]

Ban them from your property. What else can you do if their father refuses to deal with it.