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I just need a rant I'm starting to think I can't cope with it all

(8 Posts)
doublestrengthsquash Thu 25-Jul-19 13:30:41

I am finding things really tough with DSS lately - he is 12 and although things have always been difficult they seem to be becoming worse.

He used to be a lovely little kid - albeit a little insecure but now he's acting very entitled.

His mother spends money like it grows on trees although she works part time and still lives with her mum who bails her out.
She refuses to wear anything that isn't designer, drives a flash (but old) car and this is all rubbing off on DSS who goes on and on about how much something costs, refuses to wear anything that isn't designer, has a new pair of trainers every 3 months or so at £100 a time.

He over eats, he is very overweight for his age, extremely unfit , doesn't do any exercise, sits on his xbox after school until after 11pm most nights, gets everyone to run around after him, if he leaves something at our house he will ring my DP and get him to fetch it over and same with his mum when he's at our house.

He has kicked off massively because we are getting married (even though he tells my DP repeatedly that he really likes me and is so glad he met me!) and is refusing to come to the wedding which obviously exw is supportive of - said if either of his parents get married or have another child they are dead to him!

HIs attitude when he comes over is disgusting, he leaves stuff around all over the place, doesn't put his washing in the basket or will wear something for ten minutes and then throw it in the basket so i have to pick out what i think is genuinely dirty from the clean stuff thrown on the floor

Every time i bring this up with DP he doesn't see the issue, always sticks up for DSS and says he can't compete with the main parent (his mum) as she has more of an influence on him so anything he says or tries to enforce will just fall on deaf ears.

He now wants a key as he has changed schools closer to where we live and wants to be able to walk to our house until his mum finishes work as her house is too far to walk to - she will then collect him from ours and he will make her a cup of tea whilst she is waiting for him to get ready!! I feel extremely uncomfortable about her wandering around our house whilst either me or DP are not here but DP says he doesn't see how he can enforce her not coming in because if we aren't there we won;t know and DSS will just not tell us

Am I right in thinking this situation is just going to get worse and not better??

SandyY2K Thu 25-Jul-19 13:52:03

Every time i bring this up with DP he doesn't see the issue, always sticks up for DSS

This is a big part of the problem. I wouldn't be marrying someone who didn't see the behaviour as a problem.

He clearly doesn't want to have a stepmum or stepdad...and accepts you as dad's GF.

His comments about a future sibling are worrying. That would make me run far away from this relationship.

Am I right in thinking this situation is just going to get worse and not better?

You're right. In fact things will get a lot worse.

Is this the life you want? If not you need to OCD it. His jealousy will come in when you have a baby and you won't be able to trust him around the baby either. How could you.

The boy has issues, but I couldn't subject myself to that kind of life, with an entitled child, whose father refuses to acknowledge there's an issue.

That's the kind of dad he'll be to your child. What better prediction of a good dad could you have, than his current parenting.

His excuse of not doing anything because he's not the RP and has no influence is just that. An excuse.

FinallyHere Thu 25-Jul-19 15:41:20

Nooo, don't marry him.

Certainly not until your fiancée has stepped up to parent his DS. It's a niggle now but your resentment will only grow.

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 25-Jul-19 16:16:41

Okay three issue.
Key is a no if exw comes in house while you are not there. Dss can have one if your okay with that as it's his home but it isn't hers. You can lay down the law if you wnat to eg you can have a key but no guests Inc xyz. Or just say no key due to behaviour eg mess.
Could you offer key as a reward eg if you tidy up after yourself or attitude changes you get a key?

Spanglyprincess1 Thu 25-Jul-19 16:19:46

The dp ds thing needs resolving. Can you sit down with everyone n agree rules?
The wedding is irritating but is what it is, let him know he's welcome but it won't change fact its happening.
You n dp need to get on the ame page. Disney dadding solves nothing and creates problem adults if the kids behaviour isn't dealt with. Children need good boundaries, this helps them feel settled n cared for.
How is relationship with dp n exw could they agree a parenting approach ref rules

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 25-Jul-19 19:33:12

doesn't put his washing in the basket or will wear something for ten minutes and then throw it in the basket so i have to pick out what i think is genuinely dirty from the clean stuff thrown on the floor

Why are you picking up after him? He’s 12. He knows where the washing machine is, or he should. His dad should be cleaning up his mess and when he gets sick of maybe he’ll start parenting his child and getting him to look after himself a bit.

You really shouldn’t marry him. Things are going to get much much worse. I know it’s hard to walk away but there are so many things wrong with this picture, particularly your DPs attitude, that I can’t see how it’ll improve. I couldn’t respect a man who has such a spineless lax defeatist attitude to his child’s health and well-being, behaviour, ability to learn how to become a kind, well rounded, independent person.

Whatever might be good in your relationship, he’s refusal to tackle his son and his ex (no fucking WAY would she be in my house making cups of fucking tea!) would be such a turn off I couldn’t share my bed with him never mind the rest of my life.

TheStuffedPenguin Sat 03-Aug-19 09:37:07

There is no place for a 12 year old with a key to your house and your partner's ex in there too. No fucking way !!

FreshAprilStart Sat 03-Aug-19 09:44:15

Do not marry him. It will only get worse. Get away now while you can.

Been there and any child you have will be marginalised.

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