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Help no bond

(11 Posts)
Stepmum928 Tue 23-Jul-19 16:00:25

I don’t have any biological children, just my step son. Recently me and his dad have been arguing about me and his son not having a bond. He is suspected autistic/add and does not communicate with me, only to ask for snacks. To the point where I stood next to him one day wearing gym gear and he shouted to his dad ‘is Emily going to the gym’ and didn’t just ask me. He is at our house most of the time, his mum will palm him off all the time which is horrible but poor lad is used to it. When he is here he disappears up to his room to play games and I don’t hear a peep out of him until he’s hungry again and even then he brings his Nintendo down ... and my other half wonders why I have no bond with him. Other half refuses to acknowledge that a bond can’t be built through a closed door and just thinks I resent his son. Every time I ask to do things together as a family I get told ‘no he’ll get bored’... we took him to Blackpool pleasure beach and he just had the face on all day- no matter what we did- because of game addiction. My other half doesn’t think game addiction is a thing and just leaves him to play all the time... 16 hours I counted one day and he’s 10! It’s the school holidays and I’m just worried about looking after him. I really want to build this relationship with my stepson because I’m marrying his dad and would like to make a family. But at the minute it’s all very one sided, I’m doing all the typical ‘mum things’ and caring for him but having zero back in return. What do I do? It’s affecting my relationship with my partner

OP’s posts: |
Hawkmoth Tue 23-Jul-19 16:15:03

I play games with my autistic nearly 10 year old. I'm better at Minecraft than him. Perhaps you could find something you could join in with. I don't talk about much else with DS at times!

Stepmum928 Tue 23-Jul-19 16:17:38

I guess I could try and get involved with the games. Thanks for that suggestion

OP’s posts: |
floodypuddle Tue 23-Jul-19 16:40:35

I like my step children a lot but I don't really have any 'bond' with them. Don't particularly miss them when they aren't around etc. As long as you are kind I don't see what the problem is...

A lot of step parents don't feel it and that's with children that engage. Maybe try reading stepmonster so you know you aren't alone and let your partner have a read?

littlemissmandi Tue 23-Jul-19 18:07:57

Please don't worry! I have exactly the same relationship with my step son who is 12. He plays on his xbox at every waking hour he can! When we go out he counts down the minutes until we get back. He's definitely addicted and my other half is just realising it I think. The problem is when he goes back to his mums she doesn't see it as a problem and won't share our concern. We've never really had a proper relationship and that's mainly due to the awful lies his mother fed him about me when he was younger (and still does). It's really not his fault but I find it so tough and uncomfortable in my own home. I really do try and that's all you can do. I just hope one day he will start responding differently. Good luck. It's not easy but I think it's kind of normal in a way.

Teddybear45 Tue 23-Jul-19 18:10:59

Your DH should be encouraging him to talk directly to you if he has a question.

Stepmum928 Tue 23-Jul-19 18:34:30

Thank you! Knowing I’m not alone helps! Good luck to you too

OP’s posts: |
Firefliess Tue 23-Jul-19 18:51:39

I've found the best way to develop a bond is to spend a bit of time with them when your DP isn't around. When he's there they'll always look to him first, but if you do something just the two of you then they have to relate to you individually. Would be play a board game? Cook a meal with you?

swingofthings Tue 23-Jul-19 19:27:15

I sympathise. Its hard to bond with a child when all they are to do is go and play xbox/Nintendo games.

You need to compromise, you'll make an effort to take him out to do things he enjoys ut his dad need to install a rule that he can't go on it at certain times of the day. This should be done coming from him, not doing so just to please you. He too can make an effort to do things with his son during that time.

SandyY2K Thu 25-Jul-19 00:31:08

When he shouted "us she going to the gym" what did your OH say?

Why doesn't he correct him? Did you say anything like what can't you ask me?

16 hours gaming is ridiculous. Tbh I couldn't marry a man with such a lax attitude. He's showing you the type of parent he is...lazy.

TheStuffedPenguin Thu 25-Jul-19 10:25:45

I have this kind of attitude from an 18 year old . Asks his father "what is there to eat ? What is for dinner ?" when he knows it all comes from me . You have the extra of age and suspected issue so it is a toughie .

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