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Just feel like a massive failure

(28 Posts)
Here4help Sun 21-Jul-19 20:11:10

Hiya
Need to talk to people that know. Feel absolutely heartbroken today. I have been a sm for nearly 6 years now and its still not working and I feel like such a massive failure and am so upset I can't draw this kids in, the upset takes over you. I was very happy to be a step mum, I wanted to care for these new little people and really mean something to them and 6 years later I have tried as much as I can and now I am so not in a good place which is really unhealthy, I need to find some peace with it all. They basically don't want what I want, never shared my dream, no surprise right, why would they. But it hurts. And it hurts watching my husband suffer.....i just don't know how he copes with the rejection. It used to be pure anger, irrational, unreasonable behaviour and luckily we have moved away from that a bit but now we just don't seem to factor, they don't want to know us. It doesn't help that there has been a lack of emphasise from their mums side such as manners, empathy, flexibility and they are very entitled and if its not exactly how they wanted it well then shutters up and fuck everyone. We've been so so patient, taken it all and come back for more. I have made sure they know I personally think their relationship with their dad is so important and pushed for time with just them and dad, I even suggested they set up a whatsapp group with them and both their parents so that they can talk to them at the same time ffs. I have accepted all the bad behaviour, the ignoring my son when he was born, the punishing of my daughter for just existing. I have had my say but part of me wishes I had been firmer from the beginning and said not having this behaviour in my house. My husband tries to be there for them everyday but he never knows if he will get cut off, refusal to talk, door shut in face, blamed for not seeing them when its them that won't come over. They can be good if they want, we have had some good times, they just don't care enough but they are just cold now rather than punishing, we don't exist/matter. SS was younger when we met and has given us more back (that we absolutely cherished) but that's just seemed to switch off. The things we have done for them and we just seem to fall off the face of the earth for months after, I am floored. SD is very angry/sad and won't truly accept the divorce (although it seems to be ok for mum to move on) and SS who is obvs on the spectrum and is hard to deal with in general and prob unable to feel empathy for his dad. I am aware this is a long depressing rant so apologies I just don't know where to go with this but right now I am angry and that's not good. Besides feeling rejected myself (which I know they don't owe me) I feel like 6 years is a good amount of time to be understanding and the pain they are putting my husband through is just not ok.

OP’s posts: |
LatentPhase Wed 24-Jul-19 18:27:56

@Here4help I hear you, re being women being the ‘doers’ that’s my issue.

DP and I don’t even live together. Me and the kids and in fact all of us get on well. No problems there. It’s just a dysfunctional relationship - him and his dd and her mum.

To me she’s like a caged bird (18 and no GCSE’s, bobbing about the house, shopping online, never going out, periodically saying ‘my life is ruined’). DP feels no need to address it and neither does his ex. He’a happy with the way thing are (with his dd out of sight/out of mind, her shutting down all discussions about making her life better).

It’s that that I need to detach from. And the idea that I can live with him and basically adopt that situation and the dysfunction that goes with it. Which I can’t. I need to detach and accept my life isn’t going to merge with his and we will never live together.

Here4help Wed 24-Jul-19 22:01:25

@LatentPhase ah that's horrible for you. I feel sorry for DD as well how can parents not want so little for their child? Must be very very frustrating. It's terrible it's keeping you apart. Could you maybe set like one goal for DD every month or two? That would not be a lot to ask of her potentially and u will feel happy seeing her develop without investing too much. Or put a list of ideas of things she can do on the fridge and leave it to her. Or would you get annoyed if she wasn't doing them? Maybe that's how you get to live together? Maybe you have tried all this. Just a shame it's stopping you live together. I will say this when I was doing things for my SK like they were mine and setting extra curricular things up it pissed BM off big time as she hated I thought of doing it, she started being a more attentive mum just to shut me up I think. Saying that every time we see her son he has black finger nails and I have never seen so many nits on a child as I have seen on her son week after week and he has short.hair. Would NOT have been been hard to get rid at all. On a girl yes but that was a joke. Plus! He's had an eating disorder since her Was In pre school, he's 11 and it's only marginally improving, what.parent.leaves that?? He's under developed and it's caused him other physical problems. Grrrr. And the woman's got the ducking cheek to give me advice!

OP’s posts: |
LatentPhase Thu 25-Jul-19 19:58:23

It goes deeper than putting a list on a fridge. The issues are deep rooted. Plus my DP, his DD, her DM are locked firmly in the unhealthy dynamic together. Each playing a part.

I have suggested ways forward for DP (because his DD is lovely and I see the potential in her and it’s in my nature to want to help). That’s more than enough. Now all that’s needed is to detach.

I’m getting better at it. DP was talking about his DD last night and I said nothing and felt neutral and just listened.

It’s kinda liberating, not investing yourself in an outcome that you can’t control. But for some of us it needs practice!

flowers

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