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Leaving stepson to lock up - AIBU?

(23 Posts)
MichelleC69 Wed 17-Jul-19 16:38:18

Have posted a few times about my stepkids before with very mixed responses. The eldest stepson is 18 and has his own key as you would expect at that age. My problem is that he has gone out and left the house insecure with windows open (upstairs, but large windows) and on one occasion he went out and left the front door unlocked all afternoon (there was no one in the house). I'm now at the point where I don't trust him to lock up and it makes me worry all day if we leave him in the house alone and i know he's going out. I shouldn't really have to worry about this at his age, and my husband thinks we should learn to trust him. Is it unreasonable of me not to trust him if he hasn't proved that he can be trusted? He walks around in a dreamworld a lot of the time with no thought of the consequences of his actions. When we call him out on it he just shrugs and goes 'yeah sorry' 🙁

Aquamarine1029 Wed 17-Jul-19 16:44:44

This would do my head in. It is outrageous that an 18 year old young man isn't responsible enough to lock the bloody house up. I would be furious with him and his father for not dealing with his son's immaturity. I think you need to get really tough about this.

MichelleC69 Wed 17-Jul-19 16:54:30

Well it's come up now as we have a choice tomorrow when he's due back at his mum's for him to be dropped off in the morning before work or leave him in the house to make his own way there. I'm pushing for him to leave when we leave for work but my husband thinks I'm being funny about it.

NorthernSpirit Wed 17-Jul-19 17:15:06

He can’t be trusted to be responsible do until he takes some responsibility for his actions he needs to be treated like a child.

No way would I be comfortable leaving him tomorrow in his own. He needs to prove to you he can be trusted.

FFS.... at 18 I was living 250 miles away from my parents and was independent. He needs to be patented (by his dad) and taught some life skills.

LatentPhase Wed 17-Jul-19 17:58:22

This is the ideal way for him to learn consequences. Behave like a child, get treated like one.

Why has he not developed this skill yet! My dd went through a stage of being like that but she was 14. So when I went away for the weekend I confiscated all keys til she could be trusted. It’s called parenting.

This is your house so you get equal say!

Magda72 Wed 17-Jul-19 18:16:13

My 13yo locks up after herself!?!
As a pp said - get tough on this. A shrug & a sorry won't wash it you come home someday & the place is cleaned out!
Not sure this guy is really getting stuff at all! How is he going to cope with college?

Pipandmum Wed 17-Jul-19 18:20:24

You could get a self locking door.
My stepson once went out leaving the front door wide open (in London). I was just pulling in to the cul de sac and assumed he had seen me so had left it open for me. I asked him later and he said hadn’t! He was 18. But if had shut the door it would have locked...

MichelleC69 Wed 17-Jul-19 19:58:58

Common sense has prevailed, he's leaving with his dad in the morning. I leave my 16yr old to lock up too, wouldn't doubt for a minute that she won't do it. I think uni is going to be a wake-up call for him!

SandyY2K Wed 17-Jul-19 22:33:18

Does he have learning difficulties?

My DD could lock up from year 7.

MichelleC69 Thu 18-Jul-19 06:28:02

@SandyY2K no learning difficulties, he's extremely intelligent! Just has his head in the clouds most of the time 🙄

snitzelvoncrumb Thu 18-Jul-19 06:34:24

Does ss leave anything of value at your house? Next time the house is left unlocked take something and say it was stolen. If he gets the negative consequences maybe he will think next time?

user1493413286 Thu 18-Jul-19 06:35:49

Have you put up notes for him by the day? Or next to his keys? Or when you all leave the house together got him to be in charge of checking windows and locking up?
I’d be worried too but I think he needs to be helped to remember.

MichelleC69 Thu 18-Jul-19 06:38:14

Hmmm good idea but he tends to carry his valuables (laptop/phone etc) between houses.

DH has even had him call at the point of leaving before now to confirm he was locking up!

One that particularly pissed me off in the winter was him leaving his bedroom window wide open and his door open - I'd left the heating on very low as I didn't want them to freeze and I got home to the boiler going full pelt to meet up for the fact that the window was open - it was an icy cold day! 😡

snitzelvoncrumb Thu 18-Jul-19 06:40:13

You need to take his key and not allow him in the house when you or dh aren't home.

TheStuffedPenguin Sat 20-Jul-19 10:03:50

I have one of those too - just doesn't care , has this " the world owes me " attitude . It is a tricky thing because yes it is their home as Dad is here but yet you/I feel as if we can't really lay into him ( plus I don't want to - been there and done it ) . It's all about them at this age and they are the same at home with Mum I imagine.

TheStuffedPenguin Sat 20-Jul-19 10:04:33

Mine doesn't have a key. He gets one while here but not taking it away .

MichelleC69 Sat 20-Jul-19 12:44:18

What is it with kids who have their head in the clouds?! Does my head in!

Ariela Sat 20-Jul-19 13:46:47

In the light of past leaving it insecure, ask him to text and confirm the doors are locked and the windows shut. You could shut all the doors and lock them and the windows before you go out, leaving just the door he goes out of to be re-locked, and a not reminding him.

MichelleC69 Sat 20-Jul-19 14:07:31

@Ariela good idea however he always has his bedroom window open and as we leave while he's still in bed we'd have to go in and wake him!

I have to admit that after the incident with the heating last winter I locked his bedroom windows and took the key away, but I wouldn't be so cruel as to do that in the summer!

BlueSkyBurningBright Sun 21-Jul-19 14:44:57

Mine is like this. I got home one day to find the back door wide open and no one in. He just shrugged and said he forgot that he had opened it. Drives me mad. Luckily my DH is on board with me on this and constant reminding has meant that he is better. Still would not trust him overnight if we were not here. He is 18.

MichelleC69 Mon 22-Jul-19 09:59:43

@BlueSkyBurningBright so frustrating when they clearly don't give a shit!! My SS is staying at his mum's alone all of next weekend in preparation for starting Uni - rather her than me!

FinallyHere Thu 25-Jul-19 15:44:54

I have done this, left the front door open and/or left my keys in the lock.

The difference is it was my front foot and risks only me.

MichelleC69 Thu 25-Jul-19 18:28:35

He's actually just gone to stay at his mum's for 10 days while she's away on holiday to learn a bit of independence and look after himself. I'm really pleased that he volunteered to do it (am also really pleased that it's her house rather than mine!!!)

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