Court with my fiances ex :(

(107 Posts)
roxyk0303 Tue 16-Jul-19 21:37:27

I found this site whilst googling and hope someone can help sad

My fiancé and his ex are currently going through court about access arrangements for his 2 daughters. He has put in an application for shared care (full 50/50). We currently only have them 1 night a week. He sees them on a Monday for tea (takes them to his mums) then on a Thursday and Friday he works 6am-2pm so he picks them up from school those days. On a Thursday he drops them home at 8.30/9pm and then they sleep over on a Friday, returning home at 3pm Saturday. He now wants them with us Monday, Thursday and Friday over night every week, with a Saturday overnight added every second week. I want to support him but in reality its not practical at all!

We live a 30minute drive from them and their school, its longer with traffic. I don’t drive and I have my own daughter (12yrs) to get to school in the morning before I go to work.

Im completely torn and cant help feeling he is doing this for all the wrong reasons!

His daughters are 11yrs and 9yrs old. He and his ex split up almost 4 years ago now, she left him and he thinks she was cheating (she had a new man and was pregnant within 3 months). They had been separated for 8 months when I met him. He was left paying a lot of debt when she left. A personal loan for £15,000 that they got to renovate their house, and a car loan of around the same. He lost his house after she left him as he couldn’t keep up with the mortgage so he got no money from that and he stupidly put both the loans in his own name when they were together so he had no come back on those. She took the car with her when she left, then denied having it when he tried to transfer that loan to her. He couldn’t prove the car was hers and the kids told him she didn’t have it any more but he never found out where it went. He is still paying these loans now.

Because he was paying the loans, he wasn’t paying her any maintenance. She seems to think he has access to an endless pot of money. She wasn’t happy not getting maintenance and went to the CMS. They awarded her 16% of his gross wages a month. He changed jobs at the end of last year. The CMS recently did a review and his ex has been awarded an extra £130 per month. He is absolutely furious about this and this is what has spurred him to go to court for 50/50

We are not rolling in money by any means. He pays out a small fortune each month on those loans, due to defaults when he was signed of work ill, they now come to over £600. and when you add in the maintenance, our rent and other bills and just day to day living expenses, there isn’t a lot left at all at the end of the month. We cant afford to pay her any more money. We simply don’t have it. CMS don’t care about outgoings, they just take what they want from the top amount

The relationship between my fiancé and his ex has always been extremely fragile, it completely broke down when he reported her to social services (before I met him) for neglect. They found no concerns (I don’t believe there ever would be, the girls have the life of riley there) and his complaint was marked as malicious. He has admitted to me that he was trying get the girls removed from her care to hurt her. The girls were told what he had done and refused to see him for months. When I met him he was trying to re-establish contact and they were battling access out through their lawyers. They reached the current agreement and that has been in place since (no court order).

The girls live with their mum, her boyfriend that she left my partner for and their son. They also have an Auntie that is very (overly so, I feel) involved in their lives. Auntie has a daughter the same age as mine (12yrs) who also spends a very minimal amount of time with her own father. The girls spend a huge amount of time at their Aunties (their
houses are walking distance apart). They refer to their cousin as their sister and will correct you if you if you say shes their cousin. Auntie is loaded. She seems to have endless amounts of cash to spare. She is very glamorous, gorgeous, has a fast car and is just oh so cool. She is all about big hair, make up, designer sunnies and ripped jeans. Both of the girls worship the ground she walks on. They sleep over there several times a week, even on school nights. She takes them on holidays and constant weekends away, usually meaning my fiancé misses his Friday contact. When my fiancé put his foot down one weekend and said they couldn’t go and had to come to ours, they were a nightmare the full weekend, then we didn’t see them for nearly 3 weeks because they were mad with him!

There are also a lot of things we don’t agree with regarding how they are being brought up, but whenever we try to put our parenting views across, or enforce our rules, they just stop coming. They are “ill” or have “a birthday party” or are at Aunties house instead. The youngest especially blows off a lot of time with dad in favour of Auntie and regularly starts sentences “When im bigger and live with (Auntie)…….”

That was the reason my fiancé actually started court proceeding in the first place. He was initially just trying to get a court order put in place for his current (already agreed for almost 3 years) contact so that he has some clout over his time with his children and could try and make them come when they are supposed to. He is seen as so unimportant and they pick and choose when to come and spend time here.

They say that its boring here and we never take them anywhere. This is true, but its because we have no money left after paying their mums debts and the maintenance. We cant afford days out and trips to the cinema and I feel like when we do give them things or take them places, they don’t appreciate it because its not as good or exciting as what they get from mum and Auntie

He had already applied for that and it was in the process of going though when the maintenance review happened and their mum got awarded the extra money. He then changed his application to complete 50/50 care, meaning there should be no maintenance paid at all. I completely see where he is coming from. We simply cannot afford to pay out more money every month (his mum is paying his lawyer as we are so broke sad ) but if he gets the 50/50, then the practical logistics of getting his girls to school from here in the morning are not possible. Especially on the Friday morning when my fiancé starts work at 6am. He is talking about having his mum come over and pick them up (she lives close to the girls mum, so she would be driving here to pick them up and drop them at school on a Tuesday and a Friday morning) but she doesn’t keep well at all and is currently under investigation for some sort of heart problem, they were talking about a bypass, so I really don’t think its fair to put that on her. She doesn’t like driving at the best of times, never mind an hours round trip in morning rush hour.

He was at court today and the judge has ordered that the girls have to be asked what they want, so there is someone from the court being sent out to talk to them at their mums, about their wishes. The girls have already said they don’t want anymore over nights, and the judge basically said today that what my fiancé was proposing was too much and would be quite disruptive to the girls, so I really don’t think it will go to full 50/50 shared care but that doesn’t help our financial situation. They are back in court in early October

On one hand, 50/50 care would help our finances (ie get rid of the maintenance payment, or at least greatly reduce it) and free up some cash, but practically it would be a nightmare. Its also not what the girls want

But on the other hand, if access stays as it is just now, we are completely screwed from a financial point of view. His mum is already paying his lawyer and my mum has already helped us out. This was the first month with the higher maintenance payment. We don’t get paid till the 27th July and we have £85 left in the bank. My fiancé needs diesel and we need to do a food shop. That £85 should be £215 and we would normally get by, but I don’t know what we are going to do this month

I also don’t see why we should be paying all that money to their mum when the girls seem to spend the majority of the time with their Auntie sad

I just really don’t know what to do sad

OP’s posts: |
lyralalala Tue 16-Jul-19 22:19:36

I just really don’t know what to do

Why would you want to be with a man who spitefully reported the mother of his children to social services?

And who has applied for 50:50 care of his children purely because it’ll be cheaper?

He is, to be frank, a shit father. Why does he not at least have them every other weekend?

He’s got them one night a week and now he wants to uproot their lives to save a few quid.

I’d boot him out.

Speak to step change about the debts. And they aren’t “their mums debts” they are his debts, or at very most their debts.

Maintenance should be should be his priority along with rent/mortgage and council tax.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 16-Jul-19 22:24:01

I didn’t read all of that but end it and walk away now. He’s awful and you shouldn’t be with him.

readitandwept Tue 16-Jul-19 22:25:20

How much CMS is he actually paying?

GlitchStitch Tue 16-Jul-19 22:28:09

Well he's not going to get 50-50 is he, because it isn't in the best interests of the children. In fact he isn't even claiming that, he just wants to disrupt their lives to save a few quid. Although I hope he realises that in a 50-50 situation they'll need feeding, and clothing, and school uniform, dinner money, school trips, petrol costs for increased school runs, pocket money etc. Or does he think they won't cost anything? He sounds like a real prince by the way.

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 16-Jul-19 22:31:41

He's not a nice man at all is he. And a pretty shit father too, if he's going for 50/50 to save money. I'd have shown him the door as soon as I found out about his malicious report to SS.

Quartz2208 Tue 16-Jul-19 22:32:17

he has been continually malicious and resents paying through CMS (the minimum) and wants something YOU cant practically do

What should you do - RUN A MILE


HolyFuckballsBatman Tue 16-Jul-19 22:33:25

He sounds utterly vile. Why are you happy to stay with a man like that?
Those poor kids - he's doesn't give a shit about them, just saving himself some money.

Oswin Tue 16-Jul-19 22:34:44

What you do is get rid of him.
Why on earth would you think a man like him would make a good partner? He wanted to hurt his children just to spite the mother when he reported her to Ss. He wants them more purely for financial reasons.
Jesus get away from this man.

readitandwept Tue 16-Jul-19 22:35:53

I do hope you have no intention of having kids with him. Ever.

Oswin Tue 16-Jul-19 22:39:11

And the loan for the home improvements? Was the house his. If so why should she pay that debt.

This man is proven to be a spiteful shit so why are you believing a word he says?

Oswin Tue 16-Jul-19 22:39:23

And the loan for the home improvements? Was the house his. If so why should she pay that debt.

This man is proven to be a spiteful shit so why are you believing a word he says?

roxyk0303 Tue 16-Jul-19 22:42:54

Well that wasn't what I was expecting 😔

He is ashamed of himself for reporting her. He actually went to counselling after it to sort himself out. He wasn't in a good place

One of the loans was for their mothers car. She took the car with her when she left him and he is still paying for it

He used to pay £250 per month maintenance. It's been put up to £380

He did try step change to sort the debt out. But the payments weren't really that much less and it was going to take a lot longer to pay it. It was just about manageable before the maintenance review, so we thought if we could keep going and pay it off quicker, it would be better. We moved to a cheaper area to try and help (while still being close enough for him to have some sort of relationship with them) but this extra money every month is killing us. I will say to him to go back to step change and see what they say now.

He just wants to see his children and be a part of their lives. He is seen as so unimportant and disposable to them. It hurts him. He didn't ask to be living apart from them. He didn't ask for any of this. Neither did they.

They are so wrapped up in this little girl gang bubble with their mum and their auntie and cousin that it's hard for him to keep any sort of proper relationship with them. Their mum acts like he's an inconvenience, she doesn't encourage them to come for contact, if they say they don't want to come, she just says ok. Then when they do come, if anyone so much as breathes next to them in a way they don't like, then they don't come back for weeks.

I'm not saying what he's done with applying for 50/50 is right. I actually don't think it is, and in reality it won't work. He is very very down tonite

I think he was just trying to see a way out of our finance problems and not really thinking about the consequences

OP’s posts: |
C0untDucku1a Tue 16-Jul-19 22:42:59

Get rid of him. He maliciously told ss the children were being neglected and told you this was a lie done out of spite.

He only wants 50/50 out of spite.

He sounds awful.

Havd hou actually asked him how he plans to look after the children if he does get 50/50, as you wont be able to do the running around?

C0untDucku1a Tue 16-Jul-19 22:45:45

Also, he could take them out. Loads of
Places are free. Museums, parks, walking, football in a field. Does he actually make an effort to entertain them? Of just blame lack of money?

Nat6999 Tue 16-Jul-19 22:48:03

First, it's not practical for children to be staying several separate nights, they don't feel like they belong, its disruptive for sleep. If your partner insists in applying for 50:50 it's better that it is a block of at least 2 nights, otherwise they arrive after school, go to bed & before they know it, it's time to go home. They need to have their own belongings, a space to call their own. If your partner is just doing this to be vindictive & score points, it's not fair to do this to his daughter, CAFFCASS will speak to your partner, his ex & probably his daughter, her wishes & feelings will be taken in to account. From what you have written, your partner isn't putting his daughter's wishes & needs first, his main concern is to cut the amount of maintenance he pays. The fact that he has reported his ex to social services wont go down well & could well go against him. Do you really want to be someone who is using his child to score points against his ex? One day in the future you could be that ex.

Mumski45 Tue 16-Jul-19 22:52:40

Why doesn't he ask his mum to help pay off his debts instead of pay the legal fees to fight for a situation that would rise hi pt their lives and not be in thier best interests. That would be a far better use of her help and he could afford the maintenance for HIS kids who are HIS responsibility.

PanamaPattie Tue 16-Jul-19 22:54:13

Run away.

Whisky2014 Tue 16-Jul-19 22:56:18

His fault for putting the loans in his name only. Tbh he sounds like a complete idiot.
He has also been malicious and also you are having to suffer a shitty restrained life because of his poor choices.
Also, was the car in his name? He could report it stolen and claim on insurance. Well, the ship has probably sailed on that one but hey ho.

So to sum up... leave him and his shitty poor choice life.

Teddybear45 Tue 16-Jul-19 23:02:52

I think you need to focus on your daughter and leave this damaged man. It’s a red flag that even his kids don’t want to see him and I don’t believe you’re getting anywhere near to the full story from him - His past behaviour suggests there may have been abuse involved on his part and you absolutely don’t want to be the woman he turns on next.

lyralalala Tue 16-Jul-19 23:11:08

He is ashamed of himself for reporting her. He actually went to counselling after it to sort himself out. He wasn't in a good place

And yet he’s spitefully applied for 50:50 even though he can’t do it and knows his children don’t want it.

There’s a common denominator there.

Also, if he’s been calculated as paying £380 a month despite the reduction for your DD and an overnight a week then he’s on a good wage. So he needs to cut his cloth accordingly - his children should be high on that priority list.

I think he was just trying to see a way out of our finance problems and not really thinking about the consequences

The consequences are his children. They should be his first priority. Not a pawn for him to use to save money and get one over on his ex.

lyralalala Tue 16-Jul-19 23:13:17

He is talking about having his mum come over and pick them up (she lives close to the girls mum, so she would be driving here to pick them up and drop them at school on a Tuesday and a Friday morning) but she doesn’t keep well at all and is currently under investigation for some sort of heart problem, they were talking about a bypass, so I really don’t think its fair to put that on her. She doesn’t like driving at the best of times, never mind an hours round trip in morning rush hour.

Also I’ve just spotted this - wtf? His mum is I’ll and doesn’t like driving and he’s planning to get her to do it twice a week AND he’s taking the piss having her pay legal fees for an absolutely pointless legal fight.

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

RonnieScotts Tue 16-Jul-19 23:13:34

Please please take note of how he has treated his ex and using the girls as pawns to get back at her without putting their best interests first. He is not a nice person and this could be you one day, that's he's turned on like this.

Tulio123 Tue 16-Jul-19 23:14:04

Your partner is paying £6.26 a day per child, from a take home salary of around 2k. He can afford his kids.
His debts are his own fault. Presumably you work full-time too?
It isn't that he can't afford his kids or his debt, it is that he cannot afford to live with you.
Can he move in with his parents?
He isn't going to get his 50:50 residence, so why not ask his mother for help with his debt instead?
Of course he is down, he feels sorry for himself. Run and don't refer to him your fiance, get your priorities straight, especially as he can't.

Snappedandfarted2019 Tue 16-Jul-19 23:18:36

Agree with the other posters you have been told half truths. He sounds selfish and a waste of space

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