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Am i being unreasonable

(34 Posts)
Justme86 Tue 16-Jul-19 19:10:02

I have been with my partner nearly 2 years i have 2 children (3 and 6) he has 2 children (6 an 3) he still jumps for his ex like now she is in hospital and he has been told to have kids my partner works so its me who actually has the kids, he pays full maintenance yet she never sends clothes for the kids its me who has buy clothes an shoes for them. She may be in hospital for months yet an will not provide any money for the children or she will not arrange any child care for when my self or my children have appointments, she has her family and a partner who have not offered to help its literally all been put on me, the shame thing happened last year while she was in hospital i had her kids clothed them etc an didnt get a penny an turns out she wasn't even in hospital the full amount of time she told us she was. The other issue is the 6 year old an behaviour (does not have adhd or anything as had all tests) just very naughty for example swears, hits people like sibling an my children also hits me an dad hits strangers when out, cut my childs head open, hit teachers at school. Smashes things up thats just a tiny bit of things.
Looks like i have the children during school holidays so any plans for me an my children have had be cancelled its like ive being made pick between my children or his.
I dont know what do i love my partner but the children are a handful an he jumps for his ex too much

tartanbum Thu 18-Jul-19 21:02:57

@SandyY2K Why shouldn't they provide that? I appreciate that in this circumstance, the NRP isn't going to have a massive supply of clothes, so yes, should get access to what's at the mums.

But generally speaking, NRP's should be providing everything the child needs while at their house. Clothes, underwear, toiletries, food. That's absolute basics. The child shouldn't have to have their belongings carted back and forward. As you say, it's enough moving between houses themselves.

It also means the NRP can wash and iron clothes while the dc isn't with them. Or should that also all fall to the NRP, to have everything ready for next handover?

My ex buys some clothes for dc. Ultimately, the clothes end up between houses, but they're all his clothes and he has a number of outfits to wear between the two homes without packing up every time he moves between us. He is capable of buying clothes his child likes.

It's not petty. It's expecting the NRP to act like a parent, not a childminder, and letting the kids feel at home, as opposed to like a guest.

The RP's I personally know expect nothing less for their children. And luckily, the NRP's provide nothing less.

Frankola Thu 18-Jul-19 20:18:55

If you have them full time while she is in hospital then stop maintenance until she gets out. You shouldn't be paying when you have them full time for the foreseeable.

However, I'd like to put something to you. This mum seems to make it clear to everyone, especially her kids,that she has little to no interest in them and sees them as a burden.

You and your partner are currently acting in the same way. I hope you arent making it so obvious to them as you are to us on here that you don't want them around.

Those poor kids. They must feel like their own parents don't want them. How sad.

lunar1 Thu 18-Jul-19 08:08:24

Walk away from this before you lose your own children. If I was your ex and saw that my children were repeatedly injured by your step children I'd have already been to a solicitor and be putting things in place to remove them from you to keep them safe.

SandyY2K Thu 18-Jul-19 07:58:11

Also it’s normal that mums don’t provide clothes for when children are at their dads as it’s expected they’ll provide them

I would have thought most mums would pack enough clothes for the time their child is with the father.

It just seems like a pointless battle that affects the child in a negative way.

From my experience and knowledge, I don't see it as normal for the RP not to provide clothes when the child is with the other parent.

When parents descend into this kind of behaviour, it's treating the child like a possession and not a human being.

The RP is usually the one who knows the child's favourite clothes etc... it's enough for the child being shuttled from house to house, without adding to their issues.... by digging your heels in.

At the end of the day...the question should this helping my child.

user1493413286 Thu 18-Jul-19 06:43:22

To be honest it’s not her fault; why should her family look after the children when they have a dad? The problem is with your DP that he’s leaving you to look after the children. Also it’s normal that mums don’t provide clothes for when children are at their dads as it’s expected they’ll provide them.
I would expect though that if the kids are with you for that long it comes off the maintenance amount as that money is to cover the kids cost which you’re now paying.

SandyY2K Wed 17-Jul-19 22:47:41

So in the months she was supposed to be in hospital, he didn't take the kids to see her?

You're doing way too much and you're being used as a childminder. If you weren't with your DP, what would happen when he is supposed to have the children?

Why is your health being compromised and he sits back and lets it happen. He won't get in trouble for requesting the afternoon or morning off (unpaid) to allow you to attend a hospital appointment.

If you carry on doing all this, you'll run yourself into the ground and who will look after your kids then? Their dad, I suppose.

This will affect your mental health and wellbeing too. Look after yourself, because nobody else will.

SavingSpaces2019 Wed 17-Jul-19 16:22:52

You're bringing all this on yourself.
You may live with your DP but that doesn't automatically mean you are responsible for their childcare and paying for their upkeep.

Stop making excuses for him and step back - FORCE him to act like their parent.
It actually feels like he's only moved you in so quickly because he wants you to be the unpaid childcare and take responsibility for his parenting.

MrsDimmond Wed 17-Jul-19 14:55:37

Your dscs are being failed by both their parents. Dss's behaviour is a massive cry for help (if SNs have been ruled out). And if you leave yours in this situation you will be failing your dc too

romeoonthebalcony Wed 17-Jul-19 14:39:03

it sounds as if you have been very kind in trying to help these children but nothing is going to change either it sounds like and you have many more years of your and your children's needs being subordinated to the troubled and demanding.
you see many posters on here speaking about how their DM subordinated their needs to a man and allowed them to be hurt and therefore no longer want to see their DM. If your DC are being physically hurt by this child whose life and behaviour you cannot influence enough to counter balance the erractic behaviour of his parents who are fueling this. Why are you keeping them in the situation? If you had no DC and decided that you would take on the role for yourself only, that's one thing - but why have you allowed your DC to continue to be put in a situation where they are being violently attacked by your SDS?

Luaa Wed 17-Jul-19 14:27:55

I agree your partner needs to try and get full custody if his children as their mother is not parenting them.

How did anyone think it was for her to not see them for months?!

MrsDimmond Wed 17-Jul-19 07:56:32

She did this last year made out she was in hospital for months yet turns out she was in for 2 weeks yet didn't tell us that.

This is not a 'step-parenting' issue. This is a safeguarding issue and failure by both parents. Your dsc did not see their mother for "months" and you had no concrete knowledge as to where their mother was. But your DP returned his children to this woman's care when she re-appeared?

Shame on all of you.

Spanglyprincess1 Wed 17-Jul-19 07:45:09

Echoing comments. It's is their parents job to care for them. Just say no. It's a full sentence.
No I can't do that I have apoitments, you will need to arrange childcare between you.

My dp tried this once and only once, I flat point blank refused and made it very clear. He's never done it again!!

It's easier for. You to do it but there are options including paid for childcare. Ring Cms and say we have having them full time from. Week x to week z no maintenance will be paid for this period. Simple.

swingofthings Wed 17-Jul-19 07:42:57

Surely as a cancer sur I or yourself, you must know that staying for weeks if not months in hospital is nothing anyone would choose to do, so a bit of compassion should be shown.

It is right that their dad should look after them before anyone else in this situation, what is clearly missing is a mutual agreement as to how to work this out between yourself. It's a balance between time and money. It sounds like you are not working, so can assume l(apologies if this is wrong) that you rely at least to some extent on his income. He could ask for unpaid leave to look after his kids but then wouldn't be paid which would impact on you and your kids.

You need to agree on a balance. For a start, he should ask for unpaid leave for when you need to go to appointments yourself. He should be spending most of his time at home with his kids and impose his discipline and rules then so that they behave better with you. He should be liaising with her family so that they help taking the kids to see their mum, they must miss her massively ( probably contributing to their behaviour). He should take the step to stop paying maintenance whist they are with you. He should make arrangements to go pick up clothes and whatever else they need from their mums house.

You really need to sit down and talk about it all, and both listen to each other's perspectives. It's a tough situation, you need to support each other. If you can't or don't want to, then you should move on.

SeaSidePebbles Wed 17-Jul-19 07:24:20

Just, I happen to know exactly what I am talking about.
I have been in a relationship with DP for 3 years. We each have a child.
Each child has a mother and a father, who are responsible for their parenting.
At most, DP will pick my DD up from school very occasionally. I would wash his DD’s hair ( cause she trusts me not to splash her in the eyes).
We wash all the clothes together, we each do the grocery shopping and pick up what both children like.
We have holidays together paid 50/50 and we also have holidays with just our respective children.

We do not provide childcare for each other.
We do not educate each other’s child. We have ‘house rules’, which both kids are expected to obey (ie: put the wrappers in the bin, no eating in the bedroom etc). But if either of the kids has a temper tantrum, it’s their mum or dad that deals with it.

I would provide childcare in an emergency, but not on a regular basis. I am expecting DP to deal with his own child.

You’re not the only parent of a blended family. At the moment you’ve taken on too much. I understand what you’re saying, you’re looking after the kids, but they’re there to spend time with their dad, not you.

Fizzypoo Wed 17-Jul-19 07:23:55

Why are you letting yourself be walked over?

SarahMused Wed 17-Jul-19 07:18:09

You need to decide what you are prepared to do. Tell everyone and stick to it. No being a martyr because you feel bad about your partner‘s kids. They are not your responsibility and you have your own children to consider. If their lives are being considerably worsened by being in this situation then you need to step away. If you decide to stay in the relationship your partner will have to step up. Deal with the CSA if the kids are with you full time and pay for some childcare or sort some with extended family while he is at work.

Justme86 Wed 17-Jul-19 07:01:41

Seasidepebbles how on earth can i be too involved 🙄 i am looking after her children for crying out loud. Its people like you with no understanding that make people regret posting on here.

SeaSidePebbles Wed 17-Jul-19 06:36:47

OP, it’s all a bit ridiculous.
You’re too involved.
Each tends to their child.
End of story.

Justme86 Wed 17-Jul-19 06:11:18

Oh trust me everything is true i wish it wasn't. Last year when we had them i got them into a routine an the 6yr olds behaviour improved. I know she loves her child but her parenting is shocking 6yr old misses school due to being up late so gives day off. My partner has already used all his holidays due to all this an been in trouble at work already for times he has just had leave. I do my best to help with kids as i love them to bits its just a major struggle due to behaviour of 6 year old the amount of times ive had go into school an explain why my child is covered in cuts an bruises an ive had cover marks on my face with make up like i said doesn't have adhd or anything as had all tests done doesn't help when mum allows it as she has openly admitted she just wants be told child has something so can get magic pills 🙄. Been told by school permanent exclusion will be happening soon due to teachers an other pupils being attacked. I just wish the mum would step up an be a proper mum and stop getting us to jump for her, dad allows it as he doesn't want to lose his kids but puts a massive strain on us

Thesearmsofmine Tue 16-Jul-19 23:37:02

Tbh I think if everything you have said is true then your partner needs to look into having the children full time. It sounds like mum is not doing a great job if she is pushing out the 6 year old and lying about being in hospital so that she doesn’t have to have them at home. Those poor children need their dad to step up and give them a stable home,

readitandwept Tue 16-Jul-19 23:16:16

Why can't your partner take the time off to watch his kids if yours has an appointment?

Not that I am excusing her behaviour. But your partner needs to do something. What if he wasn't with you?

Justme86 Tue 16-Jul-19 23:06:03

My problem is her lying its going same way as last year she doesn't want to speak to kids on phone or doesn't ask how they are etc and this happened last year an turns out she did it as didn't want us knowing that she wasn't in hospital. My son has an appointment coming up that been booked ages im unable take any children to i sorted childcare for my child she will be with her dad, we have asked my partners family an my family if can have his kids for couple hours but they all working so we have asked mum if can ask a member of her family and been told no as its not her child that has an appointment.
I have to have regular appointments (cancer survivor) an ive had cancel a few times due to child care when she had demanded i have kids when partner in work

Justme86 Tue 16-Jul-19 23:00:37

She has family who can help as she has a baby on way which is not my partners baby an its not her partners baby but she has had cheek to ask my partner if he will be will look after the baby for her when she wants go out

Snappedandfarted2019 Tue 16-Jul-19 21:06:49

He needs to step up not you the issue here is with you're dp not his ex.

pikapikachu Tue 16-Jul-19 20:18:32

Not everybody has extended family that they can rely on. My parents and siblings don't even know where I live and how many kids I have so if I was in hospital, ex would have to take the kids or they'd end up in foster care.

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