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Am i being unreasonable

(34 Posts)
Justme86 Tue 16-Jul-19 19:10:02

I have been with my partner nearly 2 years i have 2 children (3 and 6) he has 2 children (6 an 3) he still jumps for his ex like now she is in hospital and he has been told to have kids my partner works so its me who actually has the kids, he pays full maintenance yet she never sends clothes for the kids its me who has buy clothes an shoes for them. She may be in hospital for months yet an will not provide any money for the children or she will not arrange any child care for when my self or my children have appointments, she has her family and a partner who have not offered to help its literally all been put on me, the shame thing happened last year while she was in hospital i had her kids clothed them etc an didnt get a penny an turns out she wasn't even in hospital the full amount of time she told us she was. The other issue is the 6 year old an behaviour (does not have adhd or anything as had all tests) just very naughty for example swears, hits people like sibling an my children also hits me an dad hits strangers when out, cut my childs head open, hit teachers at school. Smashes things up thats just a tiny bit of things.
Looks like i have the children during school holidays so any plans for me an my children have had be cancelled its like ive being made pick between my children or his.
I dont know what do i love my partner but the children are a handful an he jumps for his ex too much

romeoonthebalcony Wed 17-Jul-19 14:39:03

it sounds as if you have been very kind in trying to help these children but nothing is going to change either it sounds like and you have many more years of your and your children's needs being subordinated to the troubled and demanding.
you see many posters on here speaking about how their DM subordinated their needs to a man and allowed them to be hurt and therefore no longer want to see their DM. If your DC are being physically hurt by this child whose life and behaviour you cannot influence enough to counter balance the erractic behaviour of his parents who are fueling this. Why are you keeping them in the situation? If you had no DC and decided that you would take on the role for yourself only, that's one thing - but why have you allowed your DC to continue to be put in a situation where they are being violently attacked by your SDS?

MrsDimmond Wed 17-Jul-19 14:55:37

Your dscs are being failed by both their parents. Dss's behaviour is a massive cry for help (if SNs have been ruled out). And if you leave yours in this situation you will be failing your dc too

SavingSpaces2019 Wed 17-Jul-19 16:22:52

You're bringing all this on yourself.
You may live with your DP but that doesn't automatically mean you are responsible for their childcare and paying for their upkeep.

Stop making excuses for him and step back - FORCE him to act like their parent.
It actually feels like he's only moved you in so quickly because he wants you to be the unpaid childcare and take responsibility for his parenting.

SandyY2K Wed 17-Jul-19 22:47:41

So in the months she was supposed to be in hospital, he didn't take the kids to see her?

You're doing way too much and you're being used as a childminder. If you weren't with your DP, what would happen when he is supposed to have the children?

Why is your health being compromised and he sits back and lets it happen. He won't get in trouble for requesting the afternoon or morning off (unpaid) to allow you to attend a hospital appointment.

If you carry on doing all this, you'll run yourself into the ground and who will look after your kids then? Their dad, I suppose.

This will affect your mental health and wellbeing too. Look after yourself, because nobody else will.

user1493413286 Thu 18-Jul-19 06:43:22

To be honest it’s not her fault; why should her family look after the children when they have a dad? The problem is with your DP that he’s leaving you to look after the children. Also it’s normal that mums don’t provide clothes for when children are at their dads as it’s expected they’ll provide them.
I would expect though that if the kids are with you for that long it comes off the maintenance amount as that money is to cover the kids cost which you’re now paying.

SandyY2K Thu 18-Jul-19 07:58:11

Also it’s normal that mums don’t provide clothes for when children are at their dads as it’s expected they’ll provide them

I would have thought most mums would pack enough clothes for the time their child is with the father.

It just seems like a pointless battle that affects the child in a negative way.

From my experience and knowledge, I don't see it as normal for the RP not to provide clothes when the child is with the other parent.

When parents descend into this kind of behaviour, it's treating the child like a possession and not a human being.

The RP is usually the one who knows the child's favourite clothes etc... it's enough for the child being shuttled from house to house, without adding to their issues.... by digging your heels in.

At the end of the day...the question should this helping my child.

lunar1 Thu 18-Jul-19 08:08:24

Walk away from this before you lose your own children. If I was your ex and saw that my children were repeatedly injured by your step children I'd have already been to a solicitor and be putting things in place to remove them from you to keep them safe.

Frankola Thu 18-Jul-19 20:18:55

If you have them full time while she is in hospital then stop maintenance until she gets out. You shouldn't be paying when you have them full time for the foreseeable.

However, I'd like to put something to you. This mum seems to make it clear to everyone, especially her kids,that she has little to no interest in them and sees them as a burden.

You and your partner are currently acting in the same way. I hope you arent making it so obvious to them as you are to us on here that you don't want them around.

Those poor kids. They must feel like their own parents don't want them. How sad.

tartanbum Thu 18-Jul-19 21:02:57

@SandyY2K Why shouldn't they provide that? I appreciate that in this circumstance, the NRP isn't going to have a massive supply of clothes, so yes, should get access to what's at the mums.

But generally speaking, NRP's should be providing everything the child needs while at their house. Clothes, underwear, toiletries, food. That's absolute basics. The child shouldn't have to have their belongings carted back and forward. As you say, it's enough moving between houses themselves.

It also means the NRP can wash and iron clothes while the dc isn't with them. Or should that also all fall to the NRP, to have everything ready for next handover?

My ex buys some clothes for dc. Ultimately, the clothes end up between houses, but they're all his clothes and he has a number of outfits to wear between the two homes without packing up every time he moves between us. He is capable of buying clothes his child likes.

It's not petty. It's expecting the NRP to act like a parent, not a childminder, and letting the kids feel at home, as opposed to like a guest.

The RP's I personally know expect nothing less for their children. And luckily, the NRP's provide nothing less.

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