Their mum is abandoning them

[sillycat72]

So I have 2 sds 13 and 15 and my own 2 dcs 13 and 16. Sds mum has always moved around and in the past been pretty unstable and caused us a lot of grief in the process. But the last few years she met someone new and things had been a lot better. She's now decided to rent a house 40 miles away, didn't tell anyone till she picked up the keys. The 15 year old is about to do her last year at school doing her GCSEs. Her mum still reckons they can commute to school. We have a 50/50 arrangement so it wouldn't be every day but wtf is she thinking, sd15 is so angry with her mum, she doesn't want to move all her friends etc are here. We've obviously said they can live here in the week, but what a selfish thing to do. She's being very evasive were she's moving to as well won't give us the address.

I'm worried for so many reasons, firstly how they are going to cope in September, my dh is getting stressed about it all and that's worrying me as he had a heart attack last year! I'm worried about how this will effect us all . Of course they can stay here, we would never say anything else, but it becomes so stressful with 4 teenagers in the house. It wasn't long ago they told me they didn't like me, was never given a reason just said that's how they felt, which upset me because I do everything for them, it also upset my 2 dcs, they don't want to hear that. I did pull away a little to protect myself but if they are going to live here full time I'm worried about the pressure it's all going to have on us all. None of this is their fault they are being let down by their mum, so I'm being strong for them and my dh but inside I'm worried about what all this can bring. Does anyone understand?

[hadthesnip2]

I'm on virtually the same boat. Divorced 9 years & my 3 kids lived with their mum & I had them eow. Last summer ex-wife met a new bloke & he had virtually moved in within months. Kids had a massive falling out with her & at xmas all moved in with me. My house is only 2 beds so found a larger place to rent in their town so they could still see their friends, get the same bus to school etc. Dd14 hasn't seen her mum since & ds12 & ds15 see her eow but dont stay over at all. Just found out she is moving 30 miles away - no direct transport link & she doesnt drive. Eldest is devastated & doesnt know what to do.

Sorry.....cant really help but wanted to let you know you're not alone. No idea if I've done the right thing as by them moving in with me has facilitated her moving in with her boyfriend.

[hadthesnip2]

Meant to add.......but had to do it. You know your DC's better than us but mine needed stability & someone they could talk to about it all. That wasnt going to be their mum.

[sillycat72]

@hadthesnip2 I just can't understand these women, you've done what you have to do, same as us, it just worries me how they will cope with everything. It worries how we will cope too. I just can't believe she done this and actually we still don't know exactly were she is moving to, we think she is being evasive for a reason. I think it is further than she is making out. The dcs will find out Thursday

[stuffedpeppers]

Firstly, I disagree with the actions of the current RP.

However, why the moral outrage - Mum is abandoning them and moving 40 miles away. Fathers do it all the time with their new families and leave the old ones behind there is no difference.

Just selfish people of both genders who think with their genitalia first and children second.

[Magda72]

A good point @stuffedpeppers, but I think if a couple divorce/separate & a decision is made on one person being the rp then the rp is more or less committing to staying put. Same with 50/50 whereby both should be committing to staying put.
In my case I am the rp - it's a decision my ex & I made jointly. If my ex were to move it would be hard on my kids, but nowhere near as hard as if I decided to move & either take them with me or leave them behind. That's a responsibility I choose but I won't lie, that decision has had a very negative impact on my career & earning capacity.
@sillycat72 - I honestly don't know what to say to you but I feel there will be problems no matter what is done. If the kids move with their dm they will possibly resent all the he adults allthewhile missing their dad. But if they stay with you it will impact your dc & you'll be dealing with kids who will most likely feel they have been rejected by their dm & the tension in the house could be unbearable.
I honestly feel that it my dp's kids had to live with us for any reason I would choose to live apart as in my circumstances I don't think I could put my kids through having to live with dp's kids & the fall out of their dm's actions.

[sillycat72]

No there is nothing I can do about it, and I do realise this happens with fathers and mothers not just one specific parent. My dcs live with me full time and there is absolutely no way I would choose to rent a house miles away without discussing it with them, without good reason. I don't understand it, I think we'll just have to enjoy the summer holidays now and start dealing with this in September but she still hasn't told us or our dcs exactly were it is, they are convinced it's further than what she is telling us. I'm so disappointed with her. The bf has 4 year old twin boys about to start school, so they will be starting a school up there. Their mum doesn't seem to be in the picture either my sd15 said so that's ok for them but what about us. That made me feel really sad

[Magda72]

@sillycat72 - it really is a horrible situation for everyone involved. You really do have my sympathy.
I must say that I've never felt so helpless & lacking in control over my own life since both divorcing & then meeting dp. It's so hard to see down the road & despite all best efforts it's so difficult being responsible for the emotions is so many kids & teens.
I hope you guys at least get some clarity as to where she's actually off to soon.

[swingofthings]

Did she need to move there? Is it to be with her new boyfriend? If she did because she had to move, job reason, than fair enough, but otherwise, it's quite a selfish thing to do just before GCSEs.

[sillycat72]

@swingofthings I have no idea what the reason is, it's not to do with a job, they both run a business in this town, they know no one there, just they want to live in the country, there is more to this, still don't know but very suspicious

[SandyY2K]

How selfish to move at a critical time in her DDs education. Some parents are so self centred and don't prioritise their DC.

They have no idea of the long lasting impact this kind of thing has on their DC.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It must be tough.

Putting her DD through a 40 mile daily commute to school is ridiculous. I can only assume among everything else, she doesn't take education seriously. No responsible parent would do this. The move could have waited till after her exams next year.

[averythinline]

your DH needs to step up here

You need to concentrate on your DC... you have hardly mentioned them at all ...its horrible that she has left them hanging like that and I know that what is creating the situation but your DC must feel like they've been invaded!
have you room for them all?

[greenwaterbottle]

I think a sit down meeting with step children you and dh is needed. To air these previous problems and start afresh. Agree house rules and they're the same for all. Good luck

[sillycat72]

@averythinline I've not mentioned my dcs because I don't care about them it's just a thread about my dsc.

We have a 5 bedroom house so yes we have room. We still don't know what is happening, their mum is still being very evasive! I think your right we will have to all sit down and discuss it. The next month or so should be ok as it's holidays here then with their mum, though I did hear she was taking to boyfriends twin boys away and not the 2 girls, so we will see.

[averythinline]

At least a bit of time will help - as well as an all together meeting you and your dh should have a joint one i would suggest around parenting ground rules you want - a house full of teenagers will be an interesting one ...
especially with the 'abondonment' feelings the dsc are likely to have....
is there counselling etc available at their schools as it will be good for them to have somewhere neutral they can go and talk to about stuff...

You and dh will need to be def on the same page about all the DC

[sillycat72]

@averythinline yeh I think so it will effect everyone. We have finally got the address it's not as bad as first thought but still at least a 50min school run, so they are very likely to be here more. But you know what you made me realise, not one person as actually asked how my dcs feel about this. I asked them yesterday separately, my ds13 said he didn't know really, he enjoys having them here but likes a break also. My dd16 is more concerned she knows there'll be more jealously issues between the girls that they will be treated differently by my dh because he will feel sorry for his dcs. So a firm chat with him is what I see. Everyone is concerned about the step children for obvious reasons no one has considered my dcs feelings. I feel stressed already

[sillycat72]

Well I'm absolutely fuming, so the whole time she has been lying, she gave us a false address it is over an hour and a half away! We only found out cos the location showed up on youngest step daughters snap chat it's exactly were the oldest daughter showed us and then their mum has lied to us. It's even worse than we thought it's in the middle of nowhere. Dp has tried phoning the mum but surprise surprise she's not answering.

I feel really upset, angry. I think because this is just been going on and on all week

[SandyY2K]

She's a disgrace for a mother. What an inconsiderate person and telling lies on top of it.

She knows it's too far, hence the lie. Her behaviour is deplorable...these are the mothers who wonder why their DC go no contact with them as an adult...and claim to have sacrificed heaven and earth for them.

Perhaps discuss how your DD feels with your OH... but not making it seem like it's all about her...as he will just get defensive about it.

[sillycat72]

And then dh gets a text message from dsd 15 saying mum says can you stop phoning her. so now we're going to look the bad party! I'm so fuming!!!!