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I want more

(10 Posts)
Frazze Sat 13-Jul-19 19:16:40

Hi, I’m new on here and don’t know if I am posting this in the correct place 🙈.
Sorry if I am and sorry again because it’s a bit longwinded.
I met my bf almost 3 years ago. We are both in our 40’s with children from previous relationships. The problem is that he doesn’t seem to want to progress the relationship forward when it comes to our children. His ex has been difficult even though they were apart for 3 years before he met me. It has calmed down over the last 12 months but he still seems resistant to me having too much contact with his children and resistant to having too much contact with mine. By too much, I mean once a week for an hour or two. We see each other 3 times a week and he has his children 3 nights a week. I have most likely spent roughly around 15 hours with his children over the last 6 months. He has spent slightly longer with mine. I get to spend time with his children every few weeks, sometimes going longer between visits. He says that we need to let things happen naturally and organically and not rush it. I understand this but I am getting frustrated with the situation. He says that he loves me and sees us spending the rest of our lives together or marriage etc but I don’t see how that will happen if we don’t start building proper bonds with each other’s children and actually seeing if we all get on properly on a regular basis. He says that he doesn’t want to affect his time with his kids but I am not asking to be there for more than a couple of hours every week. He has 50% access so still has plenty of quality time available. It’s obviously a bit more in-depth than this but I don’t want to bore you with all the details.
Just wondering if I am being unreasonable and should I try to be more patient. Very upset and confused right now.
Thank you for reading 😊
Hi, I’m new on here and don’t know if I am posting this in the correct place 🙈.
Sorry if I am and sorry again because it’s a bit longwinded.
I met my bf almost 3 years ago. We are both in our 40’s with children from previous relationships. The problem is that he doesn’t seem to want to progress the relationship forward when it comes to our children. His ex has been difficult even though they were apart for 3 years before he met me. It has calmed down over the last 12 months but he still seems resistant to me having too much contact with his children and resistant to having too much contact with mine. By too much, I mean once a week for an hour or two. We see each other 3 times a week and he has his children 3 nights a week. I have most likely spent roughly around 15 hours with his children over the last 6 months. He has spent slightly longer with mine. I get to spend time with his children every few weeks, sometimes going longer between visits. He says that we need to let things happen naturally and organically and not rush it. I understand this but I am getting frustrated with the situation. He says that he loves me and sees us spending the rest of our lives together or marriage etc but I don’t see how that will happen if we don’t start building proper bonds with each other’s children and actually seeing if we all get on properly on a regular basis. He says that he doesn’t want to affect his time with his kids but I am not asking to be there for more than a couple of hours every week. He has 50% access so still has plenty of quality time available. It’s obviously a bit more in-depth than this but I don’t want to bore you with all the details.
Just wondering if I am being unreasonable and should I try to be more patient. Very upset and confused right now. Would just like to add that he treats me well apart from not letting me into his life properly
Thank you for reading 😊

SandyY2K Sun 14-Jul-19 11:28:53

He seems happy with the status quo. It can be difficult for the children involved and maybe he's following their lead on this.

You have to decide if its enough for you, or if you need more. Only you can decide that, but trying to convince him to do things differently won't help.

How did you get on with his kids? And he with yours? What sort of age are they?

xmasbaba2014 Sun 14-Jul-19 13:00:41

I can empathise, I'm in a similar position but we're not together as long, only a year and a half. My dp (female) also talks about our relationship in terms of moving in together, marriage etc but totally keeps me at arms length when it comes to her child. To be fair this is her mums doing more than hers (LONG back story) but it's still frustrating. She has much more involvement with my children and is happy to do so. She will offer to look after them if I have to work and the childminder lets me down for example. But I have probably only seen her daughter 6 or 7 times since Christmas. And only twice before that. I find it difficult to imagine how we will get from the stage we're at now to blending families, living together etc.

Pipandmum Sun 14-Jul-19 13:04:41

How old are the kids? Do your children want to get to know him? If they’re teens I can see some reluctance from the kids, but if younger then you really should be more involved with each other’s kids if the relationship is heading towards marriage. If you do get married what happens to the kids then? It is he waiting until they have all left home?

Magda72 Sun 14-Jul-19 13:24:19

Hi @Frazze - can totally identify with a lot of your post. I can pm you if you wish as I've a lot to say on this topic. But for the moment & in brief what I will say is that your relationship might be at it's most protected as it is. I can understand that in theory you may think you want more, but the more often involves kids (often on both sides) who have their own agendas which can put a dreadful strain in two parents of individual sets of kids.
I posted on here recently about a horrible joint holiday, the reverberations of which are still being felt this weekend. We're home over a week & I've only seen dp once since we got back.
If his kids are older then waiting it out until they leave home may honestly be the best route to follow if your relationship is to survive.

swingofthings Sun 14-Jul-19 15:13:28

It really depends on the age of the kids. If they are older teenagers, they might have not much interest in getting to know you well in contemplation of sharing more time with you if they'll be going their own ways soon enough.

There's more likely to it than what he tells you, he could be embarrassed with their behaviour, or they nigh have attachment issues, or the status quo suits him and doesn't have a y true intention to blend your families.

Pineapplefish Sun 14-Jul-19 15:23:22

I think that, as you see him three times a week, this is OK.

If you were seeing him less often it would be more of a problem, as that would mean that this issue was seriously affecting your time together as a couple. But as it is, he clearly is prioritising your relationship, but also wanting to keep it separate from his relationship with his DC.

Anuta77 Sun 14-Jul-19 15:56:03

Before I met my DP's kids, I was desperate to meet and blend. Now that we live together, I see that my life separately wasn't bad at all. Actually it was easier. Less cooking, less rudeness from his kids. Yes, we also had nice moments, but overall I find it more difficult.
I wanted to have another child, so living together as a family was important. If I separated now and had to restart my life and meet someone else, I wouldn't push it. You get the advantages of partnership without the disadvantages that go with another person's baggage.

raspberryk Sun 14-Jul-19 21:24:17

It sounds quite idyllic to me, I don't envy anyone having to blend families, hard enough having my dp move in. I know lots of couples who have been together for years and kept the kids seperate. I did this with a previous relationship and the non kid time is great and I loved that the two were completely seperate.

Catclock Tue 16-Jul-19 20:24:05

If you want more you want more. There's nothing wrong with that. Tell him. He probably needs a massive kick up the bum. X

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