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How about a thread for resident children in a second marriage.

(14 Posts)
smallereveryday Tue 09-Jul-19 21:07:17

So many threads about Dsc and blending a family but to me the unsung heroes and heroines are the children who live with Mum and Dsf , who have their lives changed by the arrival of the dsf children every other weekend.
Many have to share rooms, share their mum and get used to kids they would never choose as friends, becoming part of their family.
If you are a blended family how have your kids coped ?
For my part , I have 3 of my own, now 17,22 and 24.. but we have been blended for 13 years. They are fine together but none would choose each other as mates and have no contact unless it's family get togethers.. how are yours ?

howdyalikemenow Tue 09-Jul-19 21:09:34

I was one growing up. Several times (mum married 5 times). It was bloody shit and I hated it. I wouldn't put my kids through that so I choose not to live with my dp until my kids are 18+

brightfutureahead Tue 09-Jul-19 21:40:06

I wouldn’t want to put my kids though it. They’ve already been the resident children in a blended family (younger half siblings rather than step) which is difficult enough for them. But it would be a cold day in hell before I give them stepsibling.

Magda72 Tue 09-Jul-19 21:42:51

@smallereveryday - I am sooooo feeling this right now. I have a post on describing how my poor kids really stepped up on a really hard holiday. I am soooo sick of everyone feeling sorry for nr dcs (most of whom have a ft home with an rp) & just expecting resident kids to suck it all up!

HerRoyalNotness Tue 09-Jul-19 21:45:11

I had SS growing up but as they lived a few hours away we only as them in holiday time and we all sent away to the beach each time. They weren’t really encroaching on our home space so to speak. Plus I’ve known them since I was 2 and love them like actual siblings. Hence why we’re not in touch as adults and rarely see each other grinwink

I’d never want to introduce another bloke into my family if my marriage fails, quite happy to be alone with the kids tbh.

smallereveryday Tue 09-Jul-19 21:58:08

Mine have been together since 3,4 ,6 & 9 (dsc) and 4,7 & 11 (mine) . I love them all . Have a great relationship with all of them but none of his or mine seek each other out or communicate much now that they are t 'forced' together by obligatory fortnightly contact.
They do meet up at Xmas/ dads birthday - and are friendly and polite but not 'mates' and certainly not siblings despite spending over a decade together every fortnight.

.. and I do feel that even though the focus is always on the dsc.. MY children are the ones that made the sacrifices. My DSc mums new DH had older children, so no sharing, no halved finances.. no shared holidays (no - 'can't go on holiday unless ALL children included' ..

Love my DH but would t do it again .

Mitebiteatnite Tue 09-Jul-19 22:02:34

DH isn't my DCs biological dad, but I'm lucky in that he doesn't have any bio children of his own. DCs had a hard enough time getting used to someone new in their life without other kids being thrown into the mix too. DH is a fantastic step parent, and selfishly I love that he doesn't have any prior experience of parenting because it just means that he trusts my judgement and opinion more than he probably would if he had dc of his own.

stuffedpeppers Tue 09-Jul-19 22:42:02

There are no unsung heroes or heroines in my mind - both sides mothers kids and fathers kids make huge sacrifices for their parents.

Mine were treated like the unwashed and unclean in their DFs house for a long time- no sacrifices made for them by the residentDCS - think my DCs shared a bed in the laundry room, whilst resident DCS had own rooms and a separate playroom, where my DCS could not touch the toys. But they did have a teenage ninja turtle duver cover to share!!
My DCs now share a house with 3 older SDCs, what i did notice in the beginning was their over whelming desire to make the SDCs feel welcome. Small very innocent gestures - woud dyou like my special duvet to sleep in because you are not at home and home things are always nicer. It was so sad to watch and made me realise how much they suffered. They give up space now for much larger SDCs but have to say there is a mutual respect from SDCs and DCS that they all belong.

SandyY2K Wed 10-Jul-19 07:45:53

I honestly think it's difficult for all the children involved. The blended family route isn't something they would likely have chosen and they're all forced in one way or another to change their lives to a certain extent.

Some parents (like the mum who married 5 times), really do not prioritise their children in all this.

Marriages and relationships do breakdown and that's a part of life .. but it doesn't make it any easier on the kids.

swingofthings Wed 10-Jul-19 09:20:34

Surely most of the children who experience other children barging into their lives every other weekend are the same children who barge into another set of kids' lives when they go and visit their dad?

Kids of separation experience things that those who grow up with their mum and dad haven't but my experience is that it makes them more aware of others differences and respectful of differences and more resilient.

Magda72 Wed 10-Jul-19 09:30:42

For my kids no. My dc have had to cope with their df having more kids but also with dp's kids coming into their home.
Dp's kids dm has never had another relationship so their resident home has never been disrupted since divorce.
Exh's kids are very little but I can't see that they will ever mind my dc being in their ft home as they are siblings whose parents get on well enough & encourage integration.
I'm feeling a bit sensitive around this issue at the moment & while I agree it's not easy or either set of kids I think that the perception of nrps (such as my dp) & often their dc, that the resident dc in a 'blended' situation have it so much easier than the nrdcs is just not true or fair.

lunar1 Wed 10-Jul-19 09:35:52

I think it's a huge sacrifice on the part of children on both sides to be honest. There are negatives for both sides. Some adults within blended families manage it well, sometimes one set of children get the shot end of the deal and sometimes both lots of children do.

Parents kid themselves the majority of the time when they say the blended family is for the benefit of the children. The ones who get it right do an amazing job.

There is honestly something to be said for parents who will admit that it just isn't working rather than ploughing on regardless of how miserable everyone is until everyone leaves home.

stucknoue Wed 10-Jul-19 09:47:00

It's a consideration every parent entering a new relationship has to make. Of course perhaps we should consider more carefully before having kids but things happen, people change. Mine are adults and I still would be wary about moving in with someone/them moving in with me though I find myself daydreaming about it

Pipandmum Wed 10-Jul-19 09:50:31

My late husband had two boys 13 and 15 when we had our first then another two years later. Enough of a gap that they didn’t have to compete. The oldest moved in with us at 14 and the next when he was 16. I don’t know how they felt about the new family, but the boys (now late 20s) have always made a big effort with my son taking him to football and having him for the weekend. Possibly because even though they were technically adults when their dad died, they realise my son is growing up without his huge presence. Less so with my daughter but she does consider them her brothers. We don’t live near them now but I always try to make plans to see them when we go up to London.
Strangely I was surprised when introduced recently by one of them as his stepmother - I didn’t really mother them at all so never felt like that was what I was (their mother lived nearby and was very much part of their lives). It was quite nice.

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