So annoyed and need to vent!

[QueenOfIce]

Dh and his ex partner have an amicable relationship. There's never been any fighting or taking badly about the other parent so she isn't awful..however.

She absolutely will not parent her daughter it will always fall to dh. If things go bad at her mums she's on the phone wanting dh to be the bad cop.

Dh shares care, we live close by and as dsd is almost 16 arrangements are flexible. Dsd has no self control, is rude, abusive and aggressive. Dh is always told he needs to deal with it because she's 'too weak' "I can't stand up too her" simper simper.

Dsd is getting progressively more aggressive and Dh and I are left to deal with this shit because her mother won't co parent.

She only tells Dh what she thinks she should ie today she was in isolation for disrupting the class (again) but dh only just found out when she knew because the school emailed her. He's always in the dark which leaves him on the back foot.

I am so sick of her piss poor parenting and dh being left to deal with her behaviour. Just needed to vent. It's none of my business but I feel for my dh he has a tough job.

[CanILeavenowplease]

At 16 she just left school, surely? Or are you not in the UK? Your DH needs to develop his own relationship with the school and ensure that he is receiving communications from them.

You can’t make the ex parent in the way you want her to.

[QueenOfIce]

She's almost 16 in year 10. I know I can't do anything I just needed to vent my frustration!

[pikapikachu]

If I were your h I'd contact the school. Totally normal at our school for both parents to get reports, calls etc This cuts out the problem of the ex only giving the highlights.

[Firefliess]

Sympathies. My DH's ex is also probe to sending him long emails demanding that he sorts out all kinds of problems that are really hers to sort - "DS won't get up in the morning, DD is rude to me, DS smells.... " I think it's a legacy from when they were together and she would require him to be bad cop whenever needed, but it's all the more stupid when some of the things she's upset about are really happening within her house not ours and not things DH can solve.

But as suggested above, then school should be able to ensure that all emails are sent to both parents. So get that fixed to help your DH keep on top of DSD's life as best he can.

[LatentPhase]

Very frustrating and odd. Similar situation here. My OH is not much better, hopefully your dsd responds better in your house so is learning some boundaries. In my case not (teen out of education for years and sitting in her room all day on the internet). Which is why we don’t live together.

You have my sympathies.

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

Why is her behaviour so out of control? She doesn't sound like a happy child to be honest.

My DSD1 went through a really tough stage a few years ago, just completely off the rails, non attendance at school, trouble with the police. She was desperately unhappy and now she's turned things around, got herself together and got into college.

Is there something underlying with your DSD causing this behaviour?

[Snappedandfarted2019]

I feel sorry for the dm it sounds like shes really struggling with her challenging behaviour. Ds is similar hes 11 and has a bad attitude especially towards me and both me and his dad speak to they and manage his behaviour it's part of co-parenting together

[CanILeavenowplease]

DS won't get up in the morning, DD is rude to me, DS smells...it's all the more stupid when some of the things she's upset about are really happening within her house not ours and not things DH can solve

He can act as a responsible parent, he can challenge his son on poor behaviour like refusing to get out of bed, remind his son what the impact of that is (lost learning, stressed mum, if mum gets to work late the fact she could ultimately lose her job...), and back up mum with any punishments (removal of tech or WiFi even at your home?) because even if the behaviour isn’t happening when with him, he is still a parent 100% of the time and still holds responsibility for teaching and shaping his child for the future. Or is he only a parent if his child is actually standing in front of him?

[QueenOfIce]

Why is her behaviour so out of control? She doesn't sound like a happy child to be honest.

Because her mum won't give her consequences for her behaviour she calls dh so he can do it but she is with her at the time so should fall to her to handle it in her own home.

She constantly tell dh and I that 'challenging behaviour is all part of growing up' that might be true but I'm sorry love I'm not making concessions for anyone who is abusive including your daughter.

It's hard for dh to co parent because the co part is distinctly missing.

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

Fair enough, was only asking.

Your hatred of the ex is clear, no matter how shit she is (and believe me I know how it is to have a shit Mum for DSD, I could write a book) their daughter shouldn't be the one suffering, and she is.

Can she live with you? Or get some counselling for whatever is going on in her head? Because she sounds mixed up and unhappy which is presenting in shitty behaviour. Help her to feel better and that solves everyone's problems surely?

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

Also, she is still your DHs DD whether she's in your house or not, so he should be involved (although not used as bad cop).

[TwentyEight12]

So what... I mean she is now 16 years old and has had 16 years of being conditioned that she she can do whatever she wants by her main residential parent. Why would she suddenly start becoming a new person now?

I mean really, imagine you are her. You are a 16 years old again. You’ve lived with your Mum alone for the majority or a large part of your life. You’ve learned and know deep down your Mum has not got the inner stamina, resolve or coping skills to mean what she says and do what she means, you know that because she always calls her ex, your Dad in her last ditch attempt to get back in the driving seat.

But you know that your Dad isn’t around all the time and you only see him sometimes so what does that mean to you really? Not a lot. Yeah, you’ll get told off on the phone or when you see him but hey, it doesn’t mean a lot in the big scheme of things, because what the hell, your Mum has completely lost the battle in implementing any form of meaningful parenting and you know it, she lost your respect a long time ago so it’s all a bit vanilla and ‘am I bothered’ now.

If she wants to mess up her own life... let her. My feeling is this is a young person who isn’t willing to listen or learn from anyone else so let her make all her own mistakes and learn her own lessons from them. Then and only then, will she be reciprocal of listening to her Mum or anyone else. She’s not a baby any longer... she wants to join the school of life and hard knocks? No problem. Her choice. It’ll do her good.

[QueenOfIce]

She's 15, 16 this year but yes perhaps learning from her choices is the only way for her.

[chamenanged]

Or is he only a parent if his child is actually standing in front of him?

That sounds a bit like reflexive anti-separated dad talk given the one abdicating parenting the child in front of them appears to be the mother.

[SandyY2K]

How old was she when her parents split up?

If the norm was him doing the discipline, then she will struggle now.

The fact that bee behaviour is bad at school shows their is a deeper issue than her mum's lack of discipline.

If the consequences she received when her dad stepped in were strong enough (as her mum is useless with parenting) from what you say, then her behaviour would overall improve

The alternative is she's got underlying issues that need addressing. Not every child with a mum like hers becomes aggressive, so it needs her parents to find out what is causing her behaviour. It might be attention seeking..as she knows her dad gets called when she plays up.

Does she have friends? Is she polite? Courteous? Does she show appreciation?

[QueenOfIce]

@SandyY2K she was 1 when they split, the temper tantrums started around 7 and have got progressively worse. She has very little self control will scream in your face demand you do X for her and will try to intimidate (doesn't work)

My Dh has had shared care of her since he and his ex parted company he has never been absent. Neither have ever really disciplined her until now and even now there aren't strong enough consequences for the way she acts.

She can be polite, mostly she tells people or demands. It's wearing and I was fed up when I started this thread. Needed a place to vent!

[SandyY2K]

Lack of consequences is a problem. Her behaviour of screaming in your face and making demands isn't normal.

I'd be very worried if my 15/16 year old behaved like that tbh. It's not typical or normal teenage behaviour, but if her parenting has been lax, then she has a green light to keep on behaving like this.

Considering she's one of the oldest in her class, one would expect her to be more sensible, not causing disruption to the point that parents are made aware.

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

Neither have ever really disciplined her until now

And yet it's her mother's fault?

She needs discipline, she needs security and she needs support. From both of her parents, not just her Mum.