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How much part do you take in disciplining SC ?

(15 Posts)
TheStuffedPenguin Wed 03-Jul-19 11:52:38

So far I have not said anything controversial to my two SC but we are going on holiday and I suspect that there will be times I will be biting my tongue . My DH has told me to treat them like my own but I'm not sure about that ...The two of them have a bad habit of talking down to their Dad as he is very easy going and I can see myself saying "Why are you speaking to your father like that ? " ...I can't quite imagine what the reaction would be . Would be interested to hear how others approach this and whether you are actively involved ?

ChangesAt30 Wed 03-Jul-19 11:58:56

I'm actively involved in disciplining my DSD (which both my DH and her DM encourage) as I spend so much time with her it would be unreasonable to expect me not to.

However, I've been in her life since she was so young she can't remember me not being around. I can imagine it would be harder if the DSC were older.

TheStuffedPenguin Wed 03-Jul-19 12:04:29

Yes they are teens and only here every other weekend and some holidays. Thank you.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 03-Jul-19 12:05:16

Do you live together? How old are the DC? Mine were little when we got together and we have them twice a week so I’ve always been a parent figure rather than just dad’s gf then wife and that means being able to care for and discipline them when needed. I can’t imagine telling them how to speak to their dad because we haven’t had that issue but I’ve certainly told them not to be horrible to each other, broken up scraps, told DSS to clean up after himself in the bathroom, put them to bed etc and I wouldn’t have been willing to have them by myself if I didn’t feel comfortable looking after them properly - which includes at times stopping them from killing or maiming each other or wrecking the house - or didn’t have DH full support.

HeckyPeck Wed 03-Jul-19 12:55:52

My rules are that I don’t get involved unless:

It directly impacts me, e.g. rudeness to me, my or my/my DH’s joint belongings being misused with potential for them breaking etc)

It directly impacts another child, an animal or someone otherwise unable to speak up for themselves.

Step child is doing something dangerous e.g running with scissors, playing with matches, hanging out a window.

Other than that my view is that if my DH doesn’t mind his daughter being rude to him or whatever behaviour it is, then that’s up to him. He’s the one who has to deal with it not me. Once I accepted that it wasn’t down to me it bothers me much less when things aren’t done how I might do them.

Thankfully she’s very well behaved, so it doesn’t come up often.

TheStuffedPenguin Wed 03-Jul-19 13:01:53

annelovesgilbert Yes we are married but not that long. Kids are 15 and 18.
heckypeck yes I guess if he doesn't pick them up on the way they speak to him , well leave them to it but son creates an "atmosphere"

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 03-Jul-19 13:10:32

Ah, their ages make a big difference and one of them is an adult so I’d stay well out of it and leave their dad to handling/managing/parenting them.

If you haven’t been together that long I can’t see them taking kindly to you telling them off. Especially on how they relate to their dad. It might be annoying or upsetting for you to see but it’s really between them and they won’t change because you try to pull them up on it.

Hope you have a nice holiday smile

HeckyPeck Wed 03-Jul-19 14:06:00

Have you tried talking to your DH about it?

Maybe you could explain that you find it very difficult to hear them being so rude to him and that as their father it’s up to him to decide what he will put up with, but if it starts to make you feel uncomfortable on holiday you will have to take yourself off for an hour or so (to wherever would work where you’re holidaying)

In my situation just because my DH chooses how to discipline it doesn’t mean I have to stick around to watch! That would not make for a happy home!

tisonlymeagain Wed 03-Jul-19 14:13:06

None. Not officially a step-mum in the eyes of Mumsnet or their mum but they live with me 3 nights a week. I leave discipline to my DP, it's not my place. Goes the same for him and my kids. Obviously if the situation arose and I HAD to, I would step in but as a rule, we deal with our own and it helps to keep relationships smooth and there's no shouts of "you're not my dad/mum"

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 03-Jul-19 15:15:04

What happens if one of you isn’t there tisonlymeagain?

It sounds like your set up works for all of you but what if he’s in the shower and one of his DC wants sweets before a meal that will be on the table in 5 minutes or is throwing something at one of the other DC?

sue51 Wed 03-Jul-19 15:19:26

As you have not been in their lives for long and given their ages, I would bite my tongue. Talk about your feelings to your DH but leave parenting to him.

tisonlymeagain Wed 03-Jul-19 16:44:01

@AnneLovesGilbert If one them wants something and he's around, I tell them to ask him. If I am looking after them I might tell them to wait but I don't really see that as discipline as it's not behaviour that needs addressing and if they're told no, they take it on the chin, much as mine do.

We're lucky I guess in that they don't fight either so never been an issue.

NorthernSpirit Wed 03-Jul-19 18:30:14

Same here as @HeckyPeck

My DSC are 9 & 13, been in their lives over 5 years.

My OH says he’s happy for me to discipline them. But they are this kids and that’s his job.

However I won’t tolerate rudeness (and i’d pick any child up in this) and I have started getting involved in table manners (as my OH doesn’t seem to notice that the almost 14 year old eats everything with her hands and I can’t abide poor eating habits). So I do politely ask her to stop using her haves and use a knife and fork).

Good luck on the holiday!

user1493413286 Thu 04-Jul-19 06:32:25

I normally let my DH step in first but if he’s not there I’ll tell DSD off and when she’s rude to him I’ll say something to her. I’ve known her a long time and we’re close but still me sayings something is often more effective than when DH does as I’m not her mum.

TheStuffedPenguin Thu 04-Jul-19 08:17:01

Thanks everyone . Things to mull over.

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