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Custody and bitterness

(26 Posts)
eastview Tue 02-Jul-19 09:31:40

Hi everyone just looking for a bit of advice really.

Have a partner with a 5 YO child. I have no children of my own and we have recently lost our first baby due to MC in May.

I am at my Whitt's end with partners ex. She is completely neglectful of the child. Sends them to us completely soiled, Unbrushed or washed hair, dirty unmatching clothes and no school uniform when they have school the next day (can I point out that I have sent numerous cleaned, dried and ironed outfits home and sets of uniform including shoes). I have tried my absolute best to make sure that they have plenty of things to dress them in especially when they're being sent to us but she is always dirty. Completely dismissed or doesn't answer when we say she's dirty or always has a stupid excuse. I'm fed up of it. My partner and I argue over it constantly as she is quick enough to contact about something totally irrelevant (is have you watched etc on TV to which he didn't respond.) I feel like I'm losing my mind.

We have been collecting evidence for some months now and partner is wanting to go to court for full custody (we have the child 50% of the time). May I also point out that social services have been involved in the past due to similar issue.

Any advice would be great.

Cersei61 Tue 02-Jul-19 09:39:54

I would say absolutely nothing to do with you - get your partner, the child's father, to step up and sort this out.

My ex's new partner was a bit like you. Our children were fine, clean, fed, well looked after, wanted for nothing. But the new gf would find fault with anything and everything. Till I told her to STFU as she was upsetting our children.

The child's father needs to contact the school to see if there is a problem that they can see, talk to the mother and talk to the child. And leave you right out of it.

DaisiesAreOurSilver Tue 02-Jul-19 09:47:55

How predictable. A reply from a bitter ex.

Ignore, OP, it's obvious this woman is neglecting the DC if SS have already been involved. The previous poster has chosen to ignore that.

Of course it's your business to support your DP.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart Tue 02-Jul-19 09:53:16

When you say “soiled” is the child still in nappies/pull ups at age 5?

Coop14 Tue 02-Jul-19 09:57:48

Well you are already doing all you can so good luck in court. Needs re reporting to social services for neglect x

Whathappenedtooursummer Tue 02-Jul-19 09:58:10

Not trying to rain on your good willed parade but please make him do all the stuff off your above list. The dc aren't yours. He won't remember they are his if you step up so highly... I was invested in such a set up. Dh had no intention /inclination of making it work having his dc. It fell flat after a while. He got depression and mh issues. He wasn't fit to be a df imo. Mostly due to Twatism.
His dc, his fight..
If you get them and he wants you to, get involved. Must be all his doing though...

eastview Tue 02-Jul-19 10:00:16

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart no as in dirty knickers. We even found dirty knickers (which were supposedly clean) in her school bag which we have kept photos of as evidence.

It does have something to do with me when I am the one caring for the child when they're in my home. We have a partnership and his worries and struggles are mine too. if child is upset or wanting anything they will always come to me. Past few weeks they have been a lot more vocal about what's happening at home ie YOU put me in the bath, YOU brush my hair, hence my concerns. Child also gets upset when they're pack back in clothes they were sent in (although I've washed them) as they want to wear the nice clothes we have for them. I always feel so guilty but I can't afford to be buying new outfits every few days. I was worried that I was being over the top but we were putting all of the evidence we have collected into one album and I literally cried at the amount of it we have. It's disturbing. I don't think she's doing it on purpose to spite us. I just don't think she cares enough.

I love my step child as I would my own and I would never see her without or dirty. Also the school have commented on childs appearance.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart Tue 02-Jul-19 10:03:40

Oh the child is having accidents in her pants! That’s not good. Was she not properly toilet trained?

eastview Tue 02-Jul-19 10:09:21

I'm honestly at breaking point with it all. I almost died during my MC and had to have a lot of time off work. My partner then had to work more hours to cover bills. We still had the child on normal days and days he wasn't there it was just me and the child. They're the most wonderful thing that's happened to me but my mental and physical health has taken a huge plummet since my MC and I don't know how much more I can take. I have considered leaving over the past few weeks as I just can't handle the stress as there's constantly something. I just don't know what to do for the best.

Teddybear45 Tue 02-Jul-19 10:12:01

Who told you the knickers were meant to be clean? What is the child like personality wise? How do they get on with their dad? Remember your existance doesn’t matter to social services as you aren’t married. They will be looking to see if it’s in the best interest of the child to move permanently in with their dad and it takes a lot to make that happen. The fact that you and he have just had a miscarriage will also result in a lot of questions about both of your mental health if it goes to court. Are you prepared for that?

swingofthings Tue 02-Jul-19 10:13:10

How you describe it doesn't amount to neglect. You are being ridiculous. A 5 yo should be able to go a week without washing their hair without being totally dirty. Hair not brushed, big deal, or more likely, it was brushed in the morning, but messed up within an hour.

Clothes dirty, again, could have been cleaned when first put in and dirtied within an hour. 5yo do get dirty quite quickly. Unmatched clothes, are you kidding?

As for dirty pants, again, at 5, it happens. My DD still had many accidents at that age, and indeed, I got quite a few dirty pants coming back in her school bag. She is now at Uni doing very well.

You are entitled to be annoyed at the fact she and you have different standards, but please, don't use the word neglect, it is an insult to kids who really are neglected. Good luck getting full custody on the basis of what you've described.

eastview Tue 02-Jul-19 10:18:33

@swingofthings child has been taken away previously due to complaints from other sources. They don't take children away from their mothers willy nilly. Child is rarely dressed when we collect and they are put into clothes that are clearly dirty. The child knows they are dirty and asks us for different clothes and a wet wipe as soon as they get into the car. We get them home and straight into the bath as believe me a wet wipe doesn't even touch the surface.

swingofthings Tue 02-Jul-19 10:24:22

They don't take children away from their mothers willy nilly
Indeed, but they don't take them away for the reasons you've described either, so there must have been more to it.

How did you end up with 50/50. Didn't your OH ask for custody at the time the child was taken away?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart Tue 02-Jul-19 10:26:19

The child has been removed from her mother by a judge? And placed with your partner?

notapizzaeater Tue 02-Jul-19 10:29:19

Surely if child was taken away SS would still be involved - have you spoken to her SW?

DaisiesAreOurSilver Tue 02-Jul-19 10:35:26

Give up, OP. The step mother haters aren't interested in facts.

Maybe83 Tue 02-Jul-19 11:26:38

Were was the child placed when taken away? With you both?

Why is your partner not involved with social workers and what is the care agreement?

lunar1 Tue 02-Jul-19 11:40:42

Your husband probably has a really strong chance of getting his daughter more than 50:50 if she has already been removed from her mum before.

You do need to protect yourself through all this though, your dh needs to do the bulk of the parenting, with you supporting him.

You've been through one miscarriage which is traumatic enough. If something were to happen to your marriage you could end up having little to no contact with your DSD. Protect yourself and make sure you talk to dh through this, don't become a primary carer by default.

BasilFaulty Tue 02-Jul-19 16:44:24

Honestly this forum hmm A SM could come on, say they're SD is being abused and neglected daily and the old reliable 'Not your problem/none of your business/stay out of it/bet it's not that bad' parade would still be out in force.
Have you got any real life support OP?

CanILeavenowplease Tue 02-Jul-19 17:25:44

Why has a child who has previously been removed from the mother’s care back with the mother on a 50/50 basis?

GlitchStitch Tue 02-Jul-19 18:09:33

The fact that you and he have just had a miscarriage will also result in a lot of questions about both of your mental health if it goes to court.


JoxerGoesToStuttgart Tue 02-Jul-19 18:24:52

Why has a child who has previously been removed from the mother’s care back with the mother on a 50/50 basis?

No idea about the OPs case but children are often removed to foster care and then return home when all of SS conditions have been met. For example it could be due to poor condition of the home (my friend’s daughters were removed for several weeks until her parents could clean the house and make some repairs and replacements.) or it could be that the parents have to go into rehab or complete a parenting course and prove they are fully understanding of the reasons the children were at risk previously.

smallereveryday Tue 02-Jul-19 18:28:38

Op I feel for you and say THANK YOU for being there for this child. I too have dsc who were similarly 'not looked after' . Their mother decided that as father had left her - she would get her 'revenge' in this way because the only power she had was the children.

A decade in the family courts , and an actual line to the Judge of 'if he wants to play happy families with another woman then he can look after the bloody children ' ... meant residency was transferred to us.
10 yrs later and I have 7 adult children who know and appreciate that I (and their dad) stepped in and up for them.

You actions now WILL be remembered.

Livelovebehappy Tue 02-Jul-19 18:40:19

I would definitely go for full custody, obviously in the hands of your DP, but with your support. I’m saying that on the basis of you saying social services having previously been involved which suggests a problem exists.

Anuta77 Tue 02-Jul-19 21:54:11

Why are you arguing with your partner if you are preparing to fight for full custody? You are heading towards what you want.

Your partner should be the main person concerned with his child's wellbeing. Depending on their relationship, maybe there's a way to talk to her (without making her feel inadequate because that is never well taken by anybody)? There should be a reason why the child is always sent to your place badly dressed. I remember my ex's ex who sent her son to our house with clothes way too small, he had smelly feet, shoes with holes and telling him that his father owes her money. It was infuriating, but he's 20 now and grew up to be a nice young man, raised mainly by her as my ex only had him on weekends and never planned on taking more responsibility.

When you don't have your own children, it's easy to get overinvolved with your partner's child and love them as "your own". But if you don't have the rights that come with your own child, it's easy to get frustrated. You sound like you're her main caretaker and you have no control, that's why you're losing your mind. If you let go of control, you will feel better. Your partner is already taking steps to have his DD full time, there's no point in getting upset every time you see the child.
Also, when your partner picks up his DD, he could surely ask the ex to give some outfits that he bought?

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