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(63 Posts)
MapleDragon Sat 29-Jun-19 16:55:03

In the past we wouldn't have even considered it but now I'm not so sure. DSC are 16 and 12. They would be 17/13 by the time we moved. They used to come EOW and really seemed to enjoy their time with their younger half siblings. Now contact is far more sporadic as they have social lives that revolve around friends. DH has been offered a job in another country. It would mean seeing them in big chunks at Easter/Christmas/Summer/half terms. Has anyone done this? How did it work out for the kids?

OP’s posts: |
SleepingStandingUp Sat 29-Jun-19 21:08:54

If he's back monthly then I'd expect him to make the time to see them then, or will he be in tbe wrong part of the country / too busy?

If Mum takes them o lots of holidays and that won't change, how much of the holidays will you actually have them?

Livelovebehappy Sat 29-Jun-19 21:13:06

devilishlygooddo you really believe a 13 year old dc would be excited at this 'great opportunity' that would take his df halfway round the world? And that he would wave his df at the airport with a smile on his face? Really??? Bonkers.

MapleDragon Sat 29-Jun-19 21:17:10

I'm not going to rehash the court battles over contact. It's neither here nor there now. I'm after people's opinions on the kids not on our history which I'm unwilling to serve up so some bitter twisted fuckers can pick holes at.

OP’s posts: |
smallereveryday Sat 29-Jun-19 21:18:27

We did this for 2 years when my dsc were the same age. They absolutely loved it. !! We're Were really gutted when contract ended and we came home. They cane out every main holiday, Christmas, Easter and Summer.
Alternated Xmas with their mum so 12/12-24/12 one year and 23/12-6/1 the next .
DH went home half terms and saw them for the week.

Amazing experience that they all loved

smallereveryday Sat 29-Jun-19 21:21:10

Beware the first wives club OP .. they stalk the step parent threads... you will NEVER be right . You are a SM and therefore a wicked wrecker of families and a husband stealing banshee 🙄

readitandwept Sat 29-Jun-19 21:29:31

Sorry to have touched a nerve, but you felt it relevant to mention and it's simply a question I'd be asking when I grew up if I was a DC in that situation.

I wouldn't be sure the kids will be happy to spend chunks of their holidays away from friends at ages 13/17, especially if the mum is already taking them away for parts of them.

And no, @smallereveryday if a single father came on and asked the same question, my responses would be exactly the same. And there was a mother on here a few months back who did something similar. She was seeing her kid more regularly than is being proposed here and nobody thought she was doing the right thing either.

Livelovebehappy Sat 29-Jun-19 21:33:00

Speaking for myself I'm not a first wife and am married to the same dh for 30 years. Df to my dcs. But I am a dsd who had a childhood messed up by being part of so called blended families. I know first hand how decisions made by these families can affect children. Scars of which I still carry as an adult. Not bitter but frustrated when I see the stupid things on here that absent parents do and the excuses churned out for these decisions.

HerondaleDucks Sat 29-Jun-19 21:34:38

I'm a step mum. My post was entirely from a child's perspective.
My father was much older and retired when I was 6. He sold his flat and bought a caravan and lived in Spain 6 months of the year and I only saw him 3 times a year.
Aside from any issues I have with my father I felt utterly abandoned by him as when he was in Spain I never heard from him but got cheap plastic toys sent in the post.
I think that is very large distance. You would need to have a long conversation with these children to see how they feel. Especially if its permanent

smallereveryday Sat 29-Jun-19 21:36:27

You can only bed lead by your dsc OP. Your DH and you need to sit them down and ask them how they would feel about it.

Some may well be horrified. Some like ours - were really excited by the possibilities for adventure. It depends on the kids really

Clayplease Sat 29-Jun-19 21:43:49

I guess I'd worry about the kids relationships with each other- it's lovely they get on so well. Is this a once in a lifetime job opportunity or something that would be interesting but not a big deal?

CanILeavenowplease Sat 29-Jun-19 21:59:07

how else could it work? Its not like they can go in term time is it

Why should mum do all the routine parenting and never get any downtime with her children?

stucknoue Sat 29-Jun-19 22:14:51

I think it's reasonable but your dh should talk to the kids, especially the 13 year old before the decision is made, they may be quite enthusiastic at flying out to see you but will exw be ok with them flying solo? Most airlines allow from 12/13 but do check that too many solo kids flying services have been stopped)

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 29-Jun-19 23:01:43

I’m a second wife, to a second husband, a step mum and a step daughter. No agenda here. My dad wasn’t perfect but I’d have been devastated if he’d moved abroad when i was 13. He worked abroad for a few years when I was in my 30s and that was hard enough because I love him and missed him!

My DSC and DH would find it incredibly tough to be separated by such a distance, as would I. DH and I have several agreements about conditions and geography of the work we’d each do because while we’re both in professional roles and relatively ambitious, family life is more important and having a blended family makes it even more so. The relationship between my DSC and DC is also incredibly precious and I wish they were together all the time so we’d never take her away from them.

MapleDragon Sun 30-Jun-19 07:54:21

@Clayplease That's my biggest worry as well. Overall contact time would go up but is little and more often better? When contact was EOW we never would have even considered it but now that it's become more and more sporadic I wonder what the impact would be. The longer we wait the harder it will be to move the 8 year old as well.

OP’s posts: |
Mac47 Sun 30-Jun-19 08:43:08

My 13 yo dd is in a similar position, in that she cannot see her father frequently for logistical reasons.
Their relationship is ok, about as good as it can be considering the fact they only see each other 4 times a year, although she loves him very much and looks forward to seeing him.
She doesn't have all holidays with him, as I also want to spend holidays with her, but she would not want to be in his house for that long, as she doesn't feel it is her home. I don't think she would he bothered if he moved further, particularly if she knew when contact dates wpuld be.

MapleDragon Sun 30-Jun-19 09:51:41

@Mac47 Fo you think there is anything her DF could have done to make it feel more like her "home"?

OP’s posts: |
devilishlygood Sun 30-Jun-19 10:24:16

@Mac47 @MapleDragon The child already has ‘a home’! I lived with my mother fulltime and saw my dad regularly, so I had somewhere to call home but never really considered my Dads ‘home’. I didn’t ever require the need for more than one!!

Clayplease Sun 30-Jun-19 10:57:04

Like you say if it's actually more time together overall that would be great, and as the DSC get older I bet America would be an exciting draw it could all work out really well!

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Sun 30-Jun-19 11:03:18

I call several places home - the key things are my parents brought the exact same bed and mattress for my mums house for me and I had an input into the colour scheme. But it’s overall sameness of styles and ability to relax and do things you enjoy in it that makes things feel like home. Helping to select and have an input really does help. I prefer my mums to my family home (where I grew up) when visiting the area despite her moving their when I was a teenager.

(Not separated but they live separately)

AltogetherAndrews Sun 30-Jun-19 11:16:09

When your own DC turn 13, can you imagine any circumstances where you would move to America and leave them here? Why not? Because those are the reasons why your DH should not do this.

I’m a step child and a step mum, so no axe to grind here.

When I was a teenager, I probably spent much less time with both my parents, but I still needed to know they were there if I needed them. My parents made a promise when they divorced that no matter what, they would never move away while I was a child, and they stuck to it. As a result, I grew up resilient and the divorce did not damage me, as I knew I was loved and a priority to them both.

It’s sad that you miss out on opportunities, I’m certain that both my parents did, but that’s the deal, they made a commitment when they had kids and they had to see it through.

I have missed out as an adult on job opportunities because my step kids and my DH have a set up which predates me. That’s the deal.

SavingSpaces2019 Sun 30-Jun-19 17:10:19

Plenty of resident parents work away and only see their kids during holidays and ad hoc weekends.
Nobody accuses them of abandonment.
The mothers in those situations are not accused of damaging their kids.

You've got a brilliant opportunity so take it.

CanILeavenowplease Sun 30-Jun-19 18:33:21

there is a huge difference between a resident parent working away (and who comes home) and a NRP moving with their ‘new’ family to another country.

SavingSpaces2019 Sun 30-Jun-19 19:25:30

there's not actually much of a difference Canleave - the main difference is just in the label.
i know military families where despite the father being 'resident', he's actually away on posting the majority of the year.
The kids see him during holidays and the odd weekend.
The rest of the time they have skype/phones/emails to keep in contact.
The mother is actually in effect a lone parent.

MapleDragon Sun 30-Jun-19 20:28:13

@CanILeavenowplease I'm positive my DSC don't view us as their dad's 'new' family. We are one family. Younger DSC doesn't remember life without me. The kids clearly feel like one sibling set and do not delineate between half and whole siblings and in fact get offended when other people do. DSC gave me the name 'smum' a long time ago and I love them both fiercely. I get the narrative of the evil stepmother and the feckless father but that's not who we are. We are faced with a decision that would leave us with more contact time but also more distance and are carefully contemplating the effect that would have on our whole family but primarily the DSC.

OP’s posts: |
YouJustDoYou Sun 30-Jun-19 20:30:44

Became distant with father. Relationship never recovered.

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