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Moving away from DSC

(63 Posts)
MapleDragon Sat 29-Jun-19 16:55:03

In the past we wouldn't have even considered it but now I'm not so sure. DSC are 16 and 12. They would be 17/13 by the time we moved. They used to come EOW and really seemed to enjoy their time with their younger half siblings. Now contact is far more sporadic as they have social lives that revolve around friends. DH has been offered a job in another country. It would mean seeing them in big chunks at Easter/Christmas/Summer/half terms. Has anyone done this? How did it work out for the kids?

WindsweptEgret Sat 29-Jun-19 17:01:16

Would you pay for the 13 year old to visit in the holidays, or just visit them? A 13 year old still needs some looking after and entertaining in the holidays even though they can stay home alone and use public transport, it shouldn't all fall on the other parent.

HerondaleDucks Sat 29-Jun-19 17:17:40

I wouldn't move to another country whilst a child is 13. That feels like abandonment.
Unless you had them to stay every single holiday for the whole time and you paid for it. I wouldn't even consider it. Talk about ripping a world in half.
If it was out of area a few hours away maybe. I couldn't even consider this.

negomi90 Sat 29-Jun-19 18:21:51

By moving you make the kid choose between having minimal parental contact or sacrificing friends and holiday things in order to have a relationship with their parents.
They esp the 13 year old will view it as abandonment.
In many ways teens need their parents more than littles. A toddler just needs feeding, clothing and patting on the head. Teens need input and connection and to feel important and someone who they can reject and accept as they need to.

MapleDragon Sat 29-Jun-19 18:23:28

We would pay for them to come to us whenever they liked. Their mum has never wanted to put either in any kind of camp etc during summer. We see them about once a month as it is now as it's done to when they want to come/when is convenient. They do still always come on holiday with us. Living abroad would mean having a pool etc and they would still each have a bedroom at ours etc.

CanILeavenowplease Sat 29-Jun-19 18:37:51

Unless you had them to stay every single holiday for the whole time and you paid for it. I wouldn't even consider it

Maybe their mum would like to take a holiday with her children and enjoy the downtime? Or should she do all the parenting and none of the fun whilst her ex buggers off abroad to a new life?

Knitwit99 Sat 29-Jun-19 18:40:46

It could work if you travel home to see them once a month if that's their usual contact, then see them every holiday.

How far away are you moving?

Whathappenedtooursummer Sat 29-Jun-19 18:43:33

Some df's work away and see dc erratically and aren't classed as abandoning them!! Later on having a second home abroad will be very appealing to them imo! As long as you facilitate visits I would def do it!

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Sat 29-Jun-19 18:49:17

Is it a short term (1-2 years), longer or permanent move?

For longer / permanent, you might want to consider if you could fund the 13 yo being able to invite a friend or future gf. You’d want to ensure that they both had the freedom to decide to visit for a weekend (if short haul) at the drop of the hat, and a method to show you’ve considered it (getting to the airport, travelling alone, collecting from airport).

It might upset them if they feel abandoned, but that’s partially down to how it’s organised and explained to them plus the adults judgement in their hearing. The 17 yo will be less concerned I’d imagine but the 13 yo will need to have the ability to contact you all over the trivia that’s the daily important stuff.

Your relationship with the mother may (will) greatly impact how smoothly it all goes. And it will be challenging for you all but definitely doable.

(Friends experiences not mine - the DSC will be moving permanently with them though and seeing the DM occasionally at their expense)

Livelovebehappy Sat 29-Jun-19 18:49:45

whathappened totally different situation. If DF still is part of a family unit and works away, it’s totally different to someone who has already left his family to then move with new DP and DCs to another part of the world. But hey ho, I guess the DF will sell it to his DCs as benefitting them having a pool and their own room and that of course he’s doing it for them as much as for his new family.

Smidge001 Sat 29-Jun-19 19:00:21

Compare the amount of time you see them now vs how it will be if you move. Take into account if the gaps will be significantly larger (though if you only see them monthly now then that seems unlikey if you still plan to see them each holidays). Talk to them about it. Also, is it forever, or just a couple of years? Will the other parent be supportive, or feed them bitterness re 'abandonment'?.

We did it for 2 years and my SC absolutely loved it. We even went from regular 50% of the time to just holidays and she really loved it. Came to us for 7 weeks in the summer, plus 4 weeks at Easter and another couple of weeks in another holiday. After 2 years we're back to week on week off in the same country and are as close as ever.

But we had the support of the ex (in front of the child at least) and a child who never gets homesick and always looks to the adventure. I would think at 16 and 13 given the time you spend together now, it would be a great idea. I presume they could bring friends to visit too if they would like to some of the time? How far away is it? Can you do long weekends too or are you on the other side of the earth (we were). Skype is great to keep heavily involved, honestly. We'd have it on in the background over tea etc. Felt very connected. It's funny, when I went to the other side of the world, my parents said they felt they knew more about me and my life than when I lived around the corner, as you make more effort to phone for a long chat, write letters etc and spend quality time together on holidays. When you're close by you often take it all for granted and end up with weeks passing.

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl Sat 29-Jun-19 19:08:33

someone who has already left his family

Well we have no idea if thats true do we hmm

lunar1 Sat 29-Jun-19 19:11:36

Would he be able to drop everything and come back if one of his children, or their mum was seriously ill and he was needed?

I know many people do it but I could never envision myself choosing to live so far from my children, no matter how old, his youngest is still a child.

beethebee Sat 29-Jun-19 19:16:46

I'd be super annoyed if my ex, who lives in another country suddenly decided he wanted the DC every holiday (not that he does, but....)

So I get to do all the school time/full time work slog and he gets the relaxed fun bits? hmm

Yeah fuck that.

IncrediblySadToo Sat 29-Jun-19 19:22:58

How far away/where would you be going?

Kids that age do need you, but generally really don’t show it

How old are the younger ones?

Could your DSC go with you if they wanted/their mum was ok with it?

Will they benefit in any way from the move? Other than a holiday home with a pool

What do you think their mum will think?

SleepingStandingUp Sat 29-Jun-19 19:28:29

Op if you broke up with DH and he moved abroad with his new family when your child was 13, how would you feel?

What's the travel time? Local language? Can kids reasonablly come and have fun out there alone or will they need taking every where? Can DH take big chunks of holiday to spend with them?

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl Sat 29-Jun-19 19:43:24

bee how else could it work? Its not like they can go in term time is it.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 29-Jun-19 20:08:14

I wouldn’t. I can’t imagine my husband only seeing his DC once a month but having them even less seems a mistake.

Does he want to move country?

beethebee Sat 29-Jun-19 20:22:55

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl well, it doesn't really work, I shouldn't think?

A committed parent probably would be unlikely to suggest moving country away from their DC and the resident parent would be very unlikely to agree to being without their DC for all/most holidays.

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl Sat 29-Jun-19 20:29:38

That is not what i asked.

MapleDragon Sat 29-Jun-19 20:30:11

Their mum won't care one way or the other I imagine. She takes them on plenty of holidays and I don't imagine that will stop. She has never allowed any weekday contact in the last 10 years.

When we added up the actual time we'd likely spend with them it comes out to more than we currently do. The little two would really miss the regular contact (age 8 and 3). They see themselves as one sibling group and don't differentiate as "half-sibling". They all have really lovely relationships. I'm just trying to see how it will impact them all.

We would be moving to the East coast of the US. DH would be back on business trips in the UK at least once a month.

readitandwept Sat 29-Jun-19 20:56:42

She has never allowed any weekday contact in the last 10 years.

And what did your husband do about that?

devilishlygood Sat 29-Jun-19 21:01:50

What an amazing opportunity for your family!

I can’t imagine a 13yo would see anything about his Dad being on the East Coast US as anything other than a great opportunity. It’s hardly the other side of the World these days. It can take longer to drive from one end of the UK to the other than to fly the Atlantic.

I find it pretty boring that adults here project THEIR feelings into a situation. It’s so typical of mumsnet posters to smash into a query on the STEP PARENTING page asking for some support assuming that a stepparent is only after destroying some kids life or shitting on an ex wife.

Livelovebehappy Sat 29-Jun-19 21:07:08

Df clearly not bothered about weekday contact 'not being allowed' as I assume any decent father would fight tooth and nail to see their dcs if it actually bothered them?

AshesOfEden Sat 29-Jun-19 21:07:40

This could absolutely mirror my youth.
My parents split up, I was 12, my brother was 10. Our half brother was born 3 years later, so we were 15 and 13. Dad then moved with new wife and child to Connecticut, USA. We saw him every holiday.
I was fine with it.
My brother didn't cope as well and still resents my dad for leaving when he really needed a male role model/father figure in his teenage years. Nevermind the fact he was moving with his "new" family to a different country.
Only since becoming a mother have I realised how sad it made my mum. She got the term time shit.. homework, attitude, ferrying to/from mates and clubs etc. And dad got all the rosy, happy holidays with no stress.

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