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adivce please?

(11 Posts)
Athena1985 Tue 25-Jun-19 08:02:52

im writing because I'm a step parent of a eight year old, I'm really struggling with the fact that me and my partner have done everything we possibly can to try and work reasonably with his ex but is has come to the point that no matter how nice you put things, are understanding, encouraging etc she really is impossible to work with - we have child arrangements in a written plan so its not like we really have to think about the day to day stuff but she doesn't do what she agrees to sometimes for example handing over simple stuff like if the child has been sick, lying about doing his homework with him , buying him aged 18 figurines when the child is eight ! not telling us when the child has been to the doctors and to me its infruriating that she simply , obviously is doing it for control rather than understanding the impact on the child because shes rapidly jealous of the fact that her ex and I are moving on- she was the one who called it off and cheated on him- but he divorced her for unreasonable behaviour I can see why !!! She is nasty about me - making things up about me that simply is not true , sayng that I am saying horrible things about her when I'm alone with the child - saying that the child has said this when I don't believe this for a second as we have a fantastic relationship- but this was all said when my ex gently mentioned the above ! it really is draining , it is coming to the point now where we are agreeing with each other ( me and my partner and my step childs dad) that we are not even going to interact with this person , because rather than trying to get any info out of her we will just speak to school , the doctors and hospitals ourself because it really is easier . It really does sadden me deeply that the childs mother is like this and has to make life so hard for everyone involved but I think I need support to let go of the fact that sometimes it does not matter how much you want something to work for the sake of the child - it simply doesn't sometimes people all though they say they want to , in their actions show they don't want to change and its about doing what myself and my partner can do for the child whilst they are with us - anyone else in this position /gone through it? sometimes I feel like I'm the only one !

bluejelly Tue 25-Jun-19 08:27:02

That sounds really tough.
I don't think there's an easy answer. You can't change other people - you can only change how you react to them. Found this really useful when I broke up with my immature and irresponsible ex. Once I stopped trying to make him reasonable and reliable I felt a whole lot better.

Athena1985 Tue 25-Jun-19 08:39:07

great advice - I think secretly I know its how I react that I need to change , I guess emotionally I'm just sad for the child involved that they have to go home to a horrible "mother" like that

Athena1985 Tue 25-Jun-19 08:41:42

also ... your right in the sense of accepting that I cannot change how she is ... deffo is a good way to go

NorthernSpirit Tue 25-Jun-19 10:06:28

As the above poster says.....

I’m in the same position. Absolutely vitriolic bitter EW who makes things difficult for difficult sake. To the point her bitterness affects the children which is so sad.

I’ve learnt (for my own mental health) not to get involved. I support my OH but let him, the dad deal with everything.

You can’t control her, you can only control your feelings and how you react. What ever you do do not fuel her fire - she’s looking for a rise and gets off on she still has an element of control.

I’m 5 years in and it has got slightly better (slightly).

00deed1988 Tue 25-Jun-19 11:09:42

After 7 years of step parenting I have learnt to pick your battles and just turn the other cheek and rise above it....easier said than done.

My husband has been the resident parent from 5 days old and my stepsons mother who wasnonky allowed supervised contact made all sorts of allegations when I came on the scene to SS. Said I was an alcoholic, drug dealing prostitute, that my family were violent drug dealers, that I abused my SS. Thankfully SS saw she was being malicious but it still doesn't make it easier.

The sad thing is that I could have been her advocate in the situation as I saw how hard it must be for another woman to help raise your child but she had such melt downs about me even after we tried mediation and all sorts that she now hasn't seen my stepson in over 3 years (her choice) due to her not liking I am involved even though I am the one who has brought him up and pays for everything for him. He is now 8 and barely remembers her. Anyway, I have gone off point...

So as hard as it is just take a deep breath and save your energy because there is no changing people who are that controlling, you just focus on what you need to but I would personally document all the little things like that in a diary so if anything ever did end up back at court for any amendments to the child arrangements order you have a record of all if it.

Good luck smile

Athena1985 Tue 25-Jun-19 11:30:02

thanks for the advice everyone , I really do appreciate it and actually it really helps knowing I'm not the only one who has had to deal with this - my partner is wonderful - however he is not a step parent so its nice to meet other women like me. We have EVERYTHING in writing in regards to communication with her , we do not talk about anything face to face or in text because we need to keep the boundaries as she abuses them and we need everything written down because - well you have to with people like her

Athena1985 Tue 25-Jun-19 11:32:25

also we have got copies of all medical records and we communicate with school in a home school diary as she is known to either withhold info that they have passed on for parents or lie so we are able to query what she has reported with school or the doctors, so I feel the more people that know about this the better, including professionals as if anything did escalate on her part in regards to her allegations - the bigger picture will be seen

Frazze Sat 13-Jul-19 18:55:00

Hi, I’m new on here and don’t know if I am posting this in the correct place 🙈.
Sorry if I am and sorry again because it’s a bit longwinded.
I met my bf almost 3 years ago. We are both in our 40’s with children from previous relationships. The problem is that he doesn’t seem to want to progress the relationship forward when it comes to our children. His ex has been difficult even though they were apart for 3 years before he met me. It has calmed down over the last 12 months but he still seems resistant to me having too much contact with his children and resistant to having too much contact with mine. By too much, I mean once a week for an hour or two. We see each other 3 times a week and he has his children 3 nights a week. I have most likely spent roughly around 15 hours with his children over the last 6 months. He has spent slightly longer with mine. I get to spend time with his children every few weeks, sometimes going longer between visits. He says that we need to let things happen naturally and organically and not rush it. I understand this but I am getting frustrated with the situation. He says that he loves me and sees us spending the rest of our lives together or marriage etc but I don’t see how that will happen if we don’t start building proper bonds with each other’s children and actually seeing if we all get on properly on a regular basis. He says that he doesn’t want to affect his time with his kids but I am not asking to be there for more than a couple of hours every week. He has 50% access so still has plenty of quality time available. It’s obviously a bit more in-depth than this but I don’t want to bore you with all the details.
Just wondering if I am being unreasonable and should I try to be more patient. Very upset and confused right now.
Thank you for reading 😊

Livelovebehappy Sat 13-Jul-19 20:18:19

The child though probably doesn’t see her DM as ‘horrible’, so no need to worry there. The issues are really between the parents - I’m sure she’s not a horrid to her dd. And I would hope you don’t imply to your SC that the mother is horrible? There’s a lot of ‘we’ in your post, and it might be more appropriate to let your DP and his ex thrash things out between them. It can sometimes feel like being ganged up on when you have two people coming at you and she may be getting defensive due to you being very invested in involving yourself. I know that might seem unfair, but you might need to try a different approach to make things better for everyone.

Clariana Mon 15-Jul-19 20:33:02

Oh Athena 1985, this brings back memories! Sadly, I think it is more common than we might think. My DH's ex was an absolute nightmare with their DD. She was three when I met my DH and he had been split from the ex for 2 years.

The ex lied, was difficult and lied again. It all came to a head when a weekend visit was arranged and my DH went to collect DD from her. She had a hissy fit because he gave her a cheque for that months child support, and she wanted cash. She refused to let DD come with him for the visit. DH came away and shrugged his shoulders and said he would wait for her to calm down. The following week we got a solicitors letter saying the ex was taking DH to court to stop contact with DD because he was going to kidnap her and move abroad! Just to clarify, we are both British and have no particular links abroad, so quite where we were going to take her, I have no idea! It was all lies and fantasy.

Anyway, a few weeks later there was a session at family court, she arrived with a barrister, and my DH went on his own. The judge saw through her immediately, and rejected her application completely, and re-instated contact. No doubt it cost her a lot of money, with the barrister etc, but that was her problem. After that she was slightly less unreasonable, but the constant lies and fantasies continued.

This happened over many years, DD is now 22, but really sadly though DD has grown up as dishonest and deceitful as her mother. She constantly stole from us etc over many years and now has been sacked from 4 jobs that I know of for stealing from the till. Like mother like daughter unfortunately.

OP you have my sympathy, and I think you just have to live with it as best you can.

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