SS Behavior

[penny03]

Hi everyone. I am currently in a blending situation, I came into the relationship with my son when he was the age of 1. My significant other entered our relationship with 2 daughters age 1 and 2 at the time. Our little ones are now 4, 4, and 5 and not long ago my significant other and I had a baby of our own. Since day one his oldest daughter has been a handful. She moved in with us pretty early into our relationship and from there the arguments between myself and significant have been constant and never seem to end and they're always over the same thing - his oldest daughter. His oldest has some severe and obvious behavioral problems and it was to the point during the school year there was rarely a day that went by where the school / her teacher was calling REGULARLY or she'd flat out be sent home and told she couldn't come back the following day. Him and I argue over the fact that I dont "mother" her the way HE feels is right. But like i stated earlier, she has behavioral issues and the way i go about parenting her is the way I feel I'd parent MY children if they were to EVER acted the way she does. She gets a kick out of breaking things and its rarely ever HER stuff but its more often than not my son, my daughter or own personal belongings from things I've had since high school that have sentimental value, to legit ruining soooo many of other items of mine, to breaking my kids toys. Shes loud all the time. She thinks everything in our home is hers. At this point, any and everything I say or do to try and correct her behavior I'm met with push back from her dad. It never fails. she also DOES NOT LISTEN. It doesn't matter how many times you punish her, take her toys, take her tv etc she just flat out doesn't care. In my situation its become extremely hard to form a bond with her. Shes literally in trouble or being told to stop doing something ALL day long. When shes around I legit feel as though I have to walk on eggshells to prevent from being accused or cussed over the "treatment" she received (per her dad). As i also stated earlier the school was continuously calling us about her behavior and has told her dad he needs to have her tested. I've suggested it and all he says is "im not putting my daughter on meds" which I completely agree with but at what point do we acknowledge that this child has an issue? I love her, but she is truly becoming annoying af and its becoming taxing to my mental health and feelings. Does anyone have coping methods or advice? Im struggling this point and just want to back off from the entire situation and allow him parent her without me being involved period.

[pikapikachu]

Getting a diagnosis doesn't mean meds. It usually means new strategies and methods for preventing and dealing with behaviour.

Did she behave like this before the baby was born? Did she behave like this before your partner and you moved in together? How many days at your house and mum's house?

[GreenTulips]

What does your DH suggest you do instead? Does he have all the bright ideas?

[penny03]

I’ve told him the exact same thing, taking her to be seen would help us help her but he’s not hearing it. We need new methods on coping and helping her outside of whoopings and taking things when she acts out. She’s behaved this was since before him and I were officially “together”. When we were just dating she was always “the one” getting in trouble or told to stop doing things. I came into the picture when she was 2, and I legit can’t name one thing about her that has changed, unfortunately. There’s no evidence of her maturing as she gets old. Not that I expect her to be super mature at 5, but there’s certain things 5 years shouldn’t be doing. She’s with us every week and goes with her mom every other weekend, and on the weekends she’s not with her mom, we have them

side note both his oldest has lived us for a while & his other daughter lives with her mom (her mom had her every week, we get her every other weekend & on the weekends we don’t have her she’s with her mom)

[dreichuplands]

Are you in the US OP? If you are I have some sympathy for your DP being concerned about medication, if you are in the U.K. I think he is worrying unnecessarily.
What ideas have the school had to help you?

[penny03]

He has absolutely no solutions other than “mother her” “have some patience with her” & “bond with her” I’m not too sure how I’m suppose to bond with a child who I have to tell “stop” “sit down” “you’re too loud, stop screaming” 24/7 from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to bed. It’s annoying. She’s annoying lol love her to death but I am WORN THIN😔 lol

[penny03]

@dreichuplands we’re from Columbus Ohio in America. I completely understand the medicine issue but when you’re flat out refusing to help your child and her behavior is only becoming worse to the point I’m almost concerned for other kids safety there’s an issue somewhere

[penny03]

@pikapikachu @GreenTulips those to responses are to you guys❤️

[pigcon1]

I have found this book useful to help understand and address inconvenient behaviour
www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994/ref=asc_df_0241250994/?hvlocphy=9045917&linkCode=df0&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310856639426&th=1&hvpos=1o1&hvdev=m&hvtargid=aud-544645955450%3Apla-652389659738&hvrand=4595490284948022705&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[GreenTulips]

So do the two ever spend time together
Ie mim has both one weekend and then you have both the weekend so effectively they have each other at weekends

[dreichuplands]

If she was only misbehaving at home I would say you had a DP issue and not a dc issue but it is obviously more than that if she is regularly being sent home from school.
Can you ask the school to speak to your DP and insist on some form of outside support being sought?
Although I'm guessing school may have broken up for you?
Is dc in a summer club of some kind? Could she manage one?
There are some good books to read, like the how to talk so your child will listen series. But no parenting strategy works when only one parent does it. Dc learn very early on how to play one parent off against another.
Backing off a lot and letting DP practice his parenting doesn't sound like a bad idea.
If he isn't happy with the results then maybe he will work with you and not against you.

[Teddybear45]

In the US often doctors won’t even bother with further tests as medication is cheaper. For that reason I do understand DP completely.

I’m going to take this from a different angle. Has your DP ever asked her if she wants to live with him? She’s not your daughter and by your comments you clearly aren’t able to parent her; but her mother isn’t able to either. She basically doesn’t have a consistent mother figure and in this situation it might be better if she does live with her mum.

[Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge]

Your dp can't have it both ways. Be her dm but you can't suggest she sees a doctor.
Is he scared to parent her incase she makes noises to want her dm full time?

[HerRoyalNotness]

CHeck with your school district to get a global assessment done. It costs nothing and they are very thorough. They can then recommend help for her. Even though it’s summer vacation they will still be working at the assessment centre. Have a look on the school district page. IME they don’t diagnose for the sake of it and won’t be pushing for meds for her

[mcmen71]

Why is she not able to be with her mum more. Does she behave better for her mum.

[penny03]

@pigcon1 thank you!

[penny03]

@mcmen71 that’s just the agreement they worked out with each other. I’ve told him what she needs from me, she needs from her mother. I can’t force myself on to her & id hate to overstep any boundaries.

[penny03]

@GreenTulips yeah they spend time with each other. Unfortunately the girls only see each other on the weekends.

[penny03]

@mcmen71 I also think this is their agreement because their mom was at the Same point i am with her when she originally sent her with her dad. She couldn’t handle her behavior anymore and I think mom thought sending her to us would make her behavior improve but it hasn’t.

[penny03]

@HerRoyalNotness I’ve talked to her teachers a lot. She’s only in prek so here in the school district we’re in, pre kindergarten isn’t mandatory. Her teacher suggested for us to have her tested but her dad never did. It’s completely free. Unfortunately, you can only request to have your kid tested at this age since like I said prek isn’t mandatory here. In order for them to test her , her dad has to agree to it before anything.

[mcmen71]

Your dh seems to not be taken it seriously are you left with her more than her own parents.
Sit all off you down with her ask her where she wants to live. Work ss a team with her. Hope you ok it sounds hard for you. X

[HerRoyalNotness]

I’d tell him to get her tested or you’ll leave. Drastic I know, but if you can’t help her and he isn’t parenting her, then what else can you do? It might give him the push he needs, it might not. But then at least you won’t have to deal with it

[Footle]

OP, what does "whoopings" mean?

[dreichuplands]

A smack on the bum usually.

[Footle]

So you're hitting her. Do you find that helps?

[PerfectPenquins]

Stop hitting her for one thing would be a good start. Sounds like all the attention she's getting is negative and no actual support. You and your husband could do with some parenting classes to help you both but also the school should be supporting you with looking at why these behaviours are happening and what can be done to support the child. Your husband refusing to investigate is neglectful and the child will suffer m.