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Another holiday fxxk up

(64 Posts)
Tactfulish Fri 21-Jun-19 15:28:14

Why oh why does DP's ex treat him like an entity without any feelings. The latest is she has told the DSC she is going to take them away on a lavish long haul holiday for christmans and New year.
Firstly she has often done this about a holiday (not at xmas) which doesn't materialise but also what right does she have to decide she can do that over a special family orientated holiday period without first talking to the DSC other parent.
The arrnagement is to share time over christmas NY and has been for many years.
It also means my DP has to look the baddy as usual if he says no because he would like to spend time with his DC over christmas......
She would go ballistic the other way round but yet again is just treating DP like he doesn't matter - will probably ask him to pay towards it next hmm rant over grin

TremblingFanjo Fri 21-Jun-19 15:47:31

Well he can always go to court or mediation and get set dates, couldn't he?

CanILeavenowplease Fri 21-Jun-19 15:51:50

There is a thread in AIBU at the moment where a significant number of step mothers have said the feelings of the mother don’t matter. So why should the father’s?

Is it an amazing trip? Will the children not love it?

Tactfulish Fri 21-Jun-19 16:35:45

The DC might well love it and Im sure in the grand scheme of things my DH wouldnt stan dinthe way. The point is more that shouldn't she at least have a conversation with the other parent before proposing it to the DC. Just consideration surely?
They have set dates for christmas to be fair, alternating christmas day and new years eve, the DC are teenagers now so a court order isn't going to happen.
It is just my rant Mumsnetters smile because it just lacks any real thought and I was gobsmacked, I would never dream of telling my DS that having not spoken to his DF to see if he minded and I know my now DH wouldn't do it either but I just can not fathom why then she does it....

swingofthings Fri 21-Jun-19 16:44:57

How old are the kids? If I'd said that to my kids, they would have no because they wanted to see their dad at Xmas and rightly so.

NorthernSpirit Fri 21-Jun-19 17:48:45

Ignore the first 2 bitter ex wives.

They do it because they lack empathy and think they are in charge, control.

My OH’s bitter EW tried to pull a similar stunt once (they have a very defined court order that very clearly states alternative Christmas & NYE. One year she had the children over Christmas and ‘demanded’ the children back for NYE (they had spent 2 days in between with dad).

My OH calmly and factually reminded her what was stipulated in the court ordered contact agreement.

You can’t reason with crazy and the kids will figure it out themselves over time as they get older.

CanILeavenowplease Fri 21-Jun-19 17:57:48

Bitter? Hahahahaha!

It’s OK to say a mum’s feelings don’t matter but a dad’s do?

DeRigueurMortis Fri 21-Jun-19 18:15:22

I don't think posters are insinuating that the mothers feelings don't matter.

However I do (as a SM) think it's discourteous to book a holiday and not discuss it with the other parent first.

DH and his Ex have always done this (in a reciprocal fashion) both to check dates, any concerns with the duration/location and as a matter courtesy to each other.

The parent not holidaying always receives a full itinerary (flights/accommodation) so they know where their child is and we make sure contact is regular (Skype) over the holiday. Which is nice as the children have lots to share/talk about what they've been up to.

Guess how many holiday "dramas" we've had over the years: zero.

Tactfulish Fri 21-Jun-19 18:46:28

@CanILeavenowplease - you are referring to people’s views on another thread, I have not said anyone’s feelings don’t matter, quite the opposite. hmm

CanILeavenowplease Fri 21-Jun-19 20:36:31

But that’s my point - apparently what mum thinks isn’t important, neither are her feelings. You said your partner was being treated as an ‘entity without any feelings’ so my question is why do his feelings matter and mum’s don’t?

For what it’s worth, I think it should have been discussed but the double standards don’t sit well with me and need pointing out.,

Tactfulish Fri 21-Jun-19 21:22:52

But where does it say I think the mums feelings are not important? Or have suggested her feelings are not important where as my DP are?

HerondaleDucks Fri 21-Jun-19 21:29:07

It's a real shame she's done that without discussing it with your dp.
I hope that the enjoyment and excitement the dcs would have on this holiday would make up for his disappointment.
Maybe you could plan a holiday to take them on as well?

Banhaha Fri 21-Jun-19 21:37:20

I can't see anywhere that OP has said mum's feelings don't matter!

I think holidays over special dates should be discussed before letting the DC know, so any arrangements can be agreed on.

Could your DP plan a holiday to take them on next year?

Ohkayyy Sat 22-Jun-19 09:47:15

Referring to that post on AIBU is completely irrelevant. You may well disagree with posters on that thread but they aren't the OP or what she has said.

You can't just say 'well some random person that is nothing to do with you, once said X, so why should I care what you say?'.

What a stupid arguement.

Fwiw OP, I agree. There needs to be a certain level of courtesy when it comes to co parenting which includes informing the other parent of big plans like this. My H would never dream of booking a holiday like this without informing his ex and checking that was okay.

Unfortunately a lot of mother's think they are above their child's father when it comes to parenting decisions.

Magda72 Sun 23-Jun-19 09:43:48

She does it because she knows your dp won't say no now, as he wony want to disappoint the kids now by stopping their holiday.
However fwiw - like what swing said - if I suggested this to my kids the first thing they'd say is "but that's not fair on dad". What do the kids themselves think? And has she actually booked anything?

Tactfulish Mon 24-Jun-19 09:46:16

One Kid has said I'm not doing that and not seeing Dad the other will take what ever can get holidays/money/new stuff (that goes both waysat houses).......
She has not booked it and I doubt will, she has done this many times in the past but it's been summer holidays etc where its not an issue for us only for her letting them down when it doesnt materialise.
On this occassion though over christmas/NY is different as it's a known family period where extended family will also of wanted to see the DC etc and therefore it was thoughless and selfish of her to forge ahead telling the children when she had not discussed it with the other parent first.

FightingForSMsEverywhere Mon 24-Jun-19 11:13:51

We had the same last Christmas, OH didn't see them for two weeks until New Year (its funny that she managed to bring them home in time to have New Year to herself, you know, priorities and all), when we suggested it was only fair OH had them for Christmas day this year and that we'd take them home Boxing Day morning (they usually split the day in two), she said No, she wants to continue the split because its a "special day". That didn't seem to matter than OH missed the WHOLE of the Christmas period with them last year and wasn't so much as asked, more like told. Yes, OH could have stopped it or caused a scene, but he knew they would enjoy the trip and didn't want to cause them upset for the sake of it, but I know he missed them terribly and it wasn't Christmas at all for him.

Anyway, yes OP, she is unreasonable. They usually are, I'm afraid that is life now. Don't dare call her on it though, you wouldn't like to see the Wrath of the Hypocrite, its vile wink

Butterflyone1 Tue 25-Jun-19 12:27:16

Speak to DSC Mum and explain the issue. If she insists on taking them away, ask that it's over only Xmas or New Years and not both. Or if she takes them away for both then explain you would like them over the whole period next year.

It sounds like you have nothing to worry about if you don't think she'll book anything.

Also has anyone thought to ask what the DCs want?

19lottie82 Tue 25-Jun-19 22:39:30

If she’s not going to take them on the holiday, then what’s the point in getting worked up?

My DSDs Mum does this, Ive lost count of the amount of time they come home and tell us “Mums taking us to New York / Australia / Florida”. I just nod and change the subject. The holidays have never materialised.

SandyY2K Tue 25-Jun-19 23:06:24

This is for your DH to discuss with his Ex...but it sounds like she's difficult.

She really needs to discuss holidays with him first. That would be the sensible mature thing to do.

It's sad that children are in the middle of this.

I'm not sure why a pp is referring to a different thread, which has nothing to do with you.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls Tue 25-Jun-19 23:19:16

I empathise @Tactfulish .

My DSC used to behave exactly the same.

Bitter , disruptive & didn't ever co parent amicably.

She made a decade thoroughly unpleasant & i was so happy when the DSC turned adults and could reflect on what a selfish immature cow she had been and make their own decisions.

Kids grow up @Tactfulish ... they then realise the effort mum has put in to being unreasonable.
Iv seen it for myself.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls Tue 25-Jun-19 23:20:08

Apologies for the bold i think its a glitch.

Tactfulish Wed 26-Jun-19 10:38:33

@19lottie82 yes same here, it's happened loads before but as I said ususally we have not worried as even if it did happen it has no affect for us and would be nice for the DC.
Christmas is obviously a bit different however not getting worked up and DH has not expressed anything to ex or DC it is just nice to be able to come here to vent.

Bitter , disruptive & didn't ever co parent amicably

This is true in my DH and ex case and that goes both ways (before I am accused of being negative to Ex wives) sadly after 10 years neither of them have found a way to co-parent positvely for the sake of the kids....

FightingForSMsEverywhere Wed 26-Jun-19 10:42:03

@tastful, well at least there is only a maximum of 8 more years to go, you are on the home stretch! smile

SolsticeBabyMaybe Wed 26-Jun-19 14:13:09

I think the point is - t's really unfair to promise the kids something you don't then deliver, and it's quite immature not to discuss this with the dad first.

First few comments on this are really strange. Why would it ever be okay to take the decision upon yourself to take the kids away from dad over the entire festive period, against usual arrangements?

That definitely needs prior discussion.

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