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Not invited to partners sons sports day because his ex will be there

(45 Posts)
Kerlouphil Thu 20-Jun-19 18:21:41

My partner has 2 children and his youngest has a sports day coming up and his eldest has an awards evening. I was in conversation about these events with the older child and she invited me and her dad to her evening which I delightfully accepted. I asked her for the dates of this and her brothers sports day to which my partner said I couldnt go to the sons sports day as his ex wife will be there but that I could go to the daughters award evening because his ex wife will be working that evening so wouldn't be there. If it wasnt for his daughter I really dont want to go now as i feel i am only allowed to attend these events if the ex wife isnt present. As far as I have been told the ex wife has no issues with me although I have never met her. I have been with my partner for 2years now!!

Kerlouphil Thu 20-Jun-19 19:01:29

Sorry I meant to add - should i be feeling like my feelings come 2nd to his ex wife? Or is this normal among 2nd families that the partner doesn't have that level of involvement in their partners childrens lives.

AshesOfEden Thu 20-Jun-19 19:11:04

When it comes to the certain things for the kids, I do think your feelings should come after the ex wife's. In the nicest way, although you're a part of their lives, she is their mum. I don't think it's fair for her to feel uncomfortable at her own sons sports day. How old is the son?
I personally don't think dads girlfriend trumps mother in this scenario.

Isadora2007 Thu 20-Jun-19 19:16:06

Maybe having two people on parental type roles is enough for events? Maybe the child deserves to not feel awkward and torn during events? No matter how much of a “non issue” there is between you and the mum, you’re still her exes new partner and they remain their childrens’ parents.
Let it go.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis Thu 20-Jun-19 19:16:39

It would be really unfair on the ex, on you, and on your partner's child for this to be the moment you do meet for the first time.
And it would be horribly unfair on the little boy if his mum felt she couldn't attend because you would be there.
There's a difference between "no issues" and wanting to be confronted with meeting a new partner at something like this.

Sorry YABU

Loveislandaddict Thu 20-Jun-19 19:23:51

I think it’s nice your step child invited you. Would she like you at the sports day? If so, you should go.

3boysandabump Thu 20-Jun-19 19:26:02

For some of our schools events only 2 people are allowed to attend so maybe it's the same for this?

Teddybear45 Thu 20-Jun-19 19:28:41

I think you shouldn’t go if the child’s parents don’t want you there, no matter what the child may say. Children are usually more excessively polite to NRP and their partners and may not feel comfortable showing their true feelings.

Kerlouphil Thu 20-Jun-19 19:29:00

Thank you for your replies I have wondered if I'm in the wrong and I would really like to meet his ex- she sounds like a nice enough woman and through mutual friends she has spoken well of me from what I have been told. I'm just unsure on step parenting etiquette. My partner is very involved in my childrens daily lives alongside the fact they have an excellent dad who goes above and beyond for them. It's all so difficult to know what is right etc. I have many friends who's partners attend their step childrens events with exes there also. I've a lot to learn about this 2nd families protocol 😩

Munhu Thu 20-Jun-19 19:36:19

Should i be feeling like my feelings come 2nd to his ex wife?

Where their kids are concerned, I think it's completely normal and acceptable that their mother's feelings come before yours... why wouldn't they?

Kerlouphil Thu 20-Jun-19 19:36:56

@loveislandaddict I was really pleased when I was invited and we all get on so lovely, I'm a hairdresser and she asked me if I would style her hair before the event which apparantley her mum told her to ask me if I would. And this I am invited to go to it's the sons sports day I'm not invited to. I'm not sure it's the ex wife who has the issue more my partner!!!

eve34 Thu 20-Jun-19 20:50:35

I do genuinely feel for you. But as that child if either parent had their husband/wife at such an event it would of just been plan awkward for me

From a personal point I am nothing but positive about my ex's girl friend she is clearly very kind to the children. I haven't laid eyes on her in the past two years. And mean her no malice. I do not want her at any school event. The children have two parents supporting them at such events.

Although ex/gf. Play no active role in the dc school life in anyway. So really is not appropriate in my opinion. And each family have different dynamics.

ladygracie Thu 20-Jun-19 20:55:12

Have I read it right that the eldest has invited you to her event but the youngest hasn’t actually said he/she would like you to come? I think it’s lovely that she would like you there and you need to focus on that. I get on really well with my kids step mum but it would feel a bit odd if she was at sports day.

Kerlouphil Thu 20-Jun-19 21:03:30

Yes the eldest invited me and the younger one asked if I would be at sports day and also my sons (he idolises both of them) I explained that they would be at school but that I could try and get the day off work which is when my partner said I couldnt go because his mum would be there but that I was fine to go to the eldest event as the mum would be working that night. I'm unsure as to what is to be expected of me and also kind of being told I can only attend events if mum isnt available. Should I take a step back and stay away from all events!!! Not really sure what the right thing is to do. Get involved or not get involved or do I just accept that I can only go to certain occasions when mum isn't around. She seems more than happy for me to attend the eldest event and get her daughter ready for it by doing her for her. Step parenting is clearly not for the faint hearted

Daygals Thu 20-Jun-19 21:04:55

So the daughter invited you to the event she (presumably) knew her mother wouldn't be at. That was perfectly reasonable and very nice of her. I expect her mother is gutted that you will be there and she won't but that can't be helped and is not your issue.

Your not being included at an event where both the parents will attend is equally reasonable and as far as I can see, the son hasn't invited you anyway?

Why would you want to meet your step children's mother for the first time in such a public place anyway?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis Thu 20-Jun-19 21:06:17

do I just accept that I can only go to certain occasions when mum isn't around.
yes, perhaps, for now until otherwise it becomes apparent that this is no longer an issue.

Step parenting is clearly not for the faint hearted never a truer word

RomanyQueen Thu 20-Jun-19 21:08:39

Yes, your feelings where their children are concerned, shouldn't really come into it at all.
He has a life besides you, where he has children with another woman.
You must have known their mother would want to come before a step mother who has only been with the dad for 2 years.

Daygals Thu 20-Jun-19 21:10:48

Oh x-post OP

Mum actually sounds lovely and it does seem like it's your partner who has an issue with you being there together. Maybe he's scared you will compare notes grin

I wonder if she would like to meet you too and he's been keeping you apart. She's being very generous to be so willing/encouraging for you to be supporting her daughter when she hasn't met you.

It probably would still be odd for you all to be at sports day though

Lllot5 Thu 20-Jun-19 21:17:00

Yes her feelings come before yours where the children are concerned.
Think yourself lucky your going to the evening event.

Kerlouphil Thu 20-Jun-19 22:23:29

Thank you all. Maybe I have jumped the gun on this one and need to step back. Never thought that deeply on how the mum may feel about it as up until now theres never been a reason to. My partner is so involved with my childrens lives and my ex has no issues at all and nor would I if my sons stepmother wanted to share some of the fun stuff that happens in our childrens lives. Guess maybe she is different in these circumstances and I have to step back a little and respect the fact that this is their family and not mine. Although I bet none of them will object to their bacon sandwiches in the morning being cooked for them 😂
I will have to now think of an excuse to give my stepson as to why I cant go on this occasion. Maybe I'll sneak off to the local spa that day for a treat 😊

stuffedpeppers Thu 20-Jun-19 22:50:21

Because the event is about the child and not the parents.

No matter what if one EX turns up with a partner and the other does not - people watch and look to see the state of the relationship and wait for a bad look /words etc.

Personally I do not want to be subject to the bitchy parents gossip and looks - it is bad enough being a single mother at school events without adding that aspect in aswell.

CanILeavenowplease Thu 20-Jun-19 23:02:04

Erm...I have never met any of my ex’s new partners. The last one was batted away from me for 6 years. I guess he would prefer she didn’t get any information from me first-hand. Be very wary.

Anuta77 Fri 21-Jun-19 00:04:35

I think you have to ask your partner directly. Every family is different.
I recently read on another forum about a SM asking whether she should go to her SD's first day of school. The mother was openly against it, but the SM sounded like she considered her just as important as the mother, the SD loved her and she and her husband told the mother to suck it up and she will go anyway, because "her SD's feelings are more important than the mother's". And many SM's reported the same situation. The partner was on their side against the mother.
Then you have people who say that the mother's feelings are more important.
So you really have to see what's going on in your situation.
Also, I wouldn't lie to my schildren. Tell them that daddy doesn't think it's a good idea and leave it up to him to explain it.

NoSquirrels Fri 21-Jun-19 00:11:13

Surely this is where you need an honest conversation with your DP to find out how he wants this stuff to go in the future? Surprised it’s not come up before now, tbh, if you’ve been together 2 years.

In terms of an ‘excuse’ for your DSS, just say you couldn’t get the day off work for sports day, and ask your DP to take lots of video/pics so you can admire them later and congratulate him?

swingofthings Fri 21-Jun-19 06:40:53

Them first meeting ex-new partner is usually quite awkward for everyone even when there is no bitterness. Doing so at a school event when it is all about the child and is supposed to be a time of feeling relax and having fun is not appropriate.

It's not about excluding you, it's about timing, that and the fact that indeed, the school might limit the number of people who can attend.

Discuss with your OH about meeting with the ex and whether she would agree.

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