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He said he doesn't like one of my children.

(96 Posts)
gerbilfun Thu 20-Jun-19 11:35:47

So last night me and dp were having a heart to heart because we're going through a bit of a rough patch. And he admitted that he doesn't like one of my kids and I don't know how I feel about it.
Back story.

We've been together 8 years. I have 3 teenagers from a previous relationship. Kids are 14,16,17.

We have two kids together 5 and 2.

Last summer my 14 year old got in contact with her father that she hadn't seen for 8 years. He came round being abusive and threatened to slash dp throat. It really terrified dp and he went to stay with a friend for a couple of days. Since then he has been very off and different with dd. She still speaks to her dad on the phone but hasn't seen him an awful lot because he's a selfish wanker and isn't consistent.

Last night dp admitted that he doesn't feel the same about dd and he almost resents her because he's always got to watch his back and dreads coming home in case ex dp is here. (In the 12 months since this happened ex dp has been here once) he said he still loves them all the same but he just can't have the same connection with her that he does with the older two.
I don't know how I should feel about this. He doesn't leave her out of anything and he still provides for her ( which he's done from day one) but he just doesn't really have anything to do with her. It's kind of hurt me tbh. He blames her for ruining are family unit that we had.
Not sure really why I've started this thread but I needed to put it somewhere and hopefully someone can tell me things will work out fine.

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birdonawire1 Thu 20-Jun-19 11:40:00

Seems quite an immature attitude from a grown man. It's not DDs fault her father is an arse. Why did the ex kick off at him?

CloudRusting Thu 20-Jun-19 11:43:30

“He blames her for ruining are family unit that we had.“

Wow. He knew she had a father and it is perfectly natural for her to want contact with her father. I am sure the experience with your ex was terrifying for your dp but ex’s behaviour is not your daughter’s fault. And punishing her for this is outrageous.

Have you considered the impact on your daughter and also your relationship with her of her step father blaming her in this manner and in your own words having nothing to do with him whilst her mother stands by?

WishingILivedOnAnIsland Thu 20-Jun-19 11:44:42

That doesn't sound great. Your poor DD. Between her abusive father and her cold step father she must feel so confused and lost.

Has your DP sought any counselling since your Ex threatened to kill him? That's a serious trauma and it sounds like he has been deeply affected by it. I would consider sending him to counselling and having him assessed for PTSD. It may be that he feels unsafe in general (understandably!) and your daughter is an easy scapegoat for his feelings.

gerbilfun Thu 20-Jun-19 11:47:07

Why did the ex kick off at him?

Jealousy probably. Another man doing his job and providing for his children. He's an awful bully.

Just before he made the threats he was arguing with my eldest calling her an ugly bitch (because she wants nothing to do with him) she said "well your no brad Pitt yourself" and then that got him where it hurts (he's Inlove with himself) then he started picking at dp appearance and screaming that he was going to cut his throat.

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3dogs2cats Thu 20-Jun-19 11:47:49

Crikey, that’s really tough for your family.
The positives are that he treats your Dd the same and that he was able to discuss his feelings with you. He sounds like a nice guy.
I guess he may need help to see this from her viewpoint. She will have had all sorts of fantasies about her Dad, she went from being the baby to a proper middle child when you and dp got together, I guess she was really hoping for someone for her. Instead, all hell broke loose. Must have been shit for her too. If you could help him to see that she may really need him right now, and may be vulnerable to wankers in the future if her relationship with him isn’t repaired?
Sounds counterintuitive, but I think what’s needed is for your dp and dd to try and reconnect.. any chance they could spend time together, swimming, the weekly shop or whatever.
So tough for you though, always our job to fix everyone.

AuntMarch Thu 20-Jun-19 11:48:43

Did he actually says he doesn't like her, or just that he feels like that incident impacted their relationship?

It won't have been an easy thing to say to you! The incident obviously really affected him if he didn't feel safe in his own home. While it obviously isn't actually your daughter's fault that her dad is unstable and aggressive, your DP can't help the impact it's had on him. Maybe he just wants your support to rebuild what they had before? You say he doesn't leave her out or anything so it sounds like he is trying?

Why on earth did your ex have an issue after all this time, was he reported to the police?

AuntMarch Thu 20-Jun-19 11:49:51

Cross posts

Digestive28 Thu 20-Jun-19 11:51:39

I wonder if it is PTSD, a trauma and then avoidance and anxiety would fit. Sounds like the ex scared him and he has struggled to process it, not that he doesn’t like your DD but he associates her with something that really frightened him. Would he consider going to gp?

Magda72 Thu 20-Jun-19 11:52:40

Immature? Maybe. But also a very understandable I think. @gerbilfun - my reading of this would be that your dp feels betrayed & hurt by your dd; in his eyes he's cared & provided for her as his own & then she went and carelessly undid all that. Of course dp is an adult & has to manage these feelings & your dd is only a teen & I'm sure didn't mean to deliberately hurt your dp. But she has, & not only that she also opened him up to being violently threatened which (again, not her fault) is an awful thing for anyone to have to go through.
If the threat was so bad that your dp felt he needed to decamp to a friend's for a bit then he could possibly be suffering from pts & maybe he should go talk to someone professional to help him with his feelings.

Nesssie Thu 20-Jun-19 11:54:11

He needs to leave then. Unfairly blaming her for something not her fault? And the biodad only came round once and now hes scared all the time? Overreaction.

he just doesn't really have anything to do with her. - she will definitely notice this and feel left out.
It's kind of hurt me tbh. Imagine how she feels? Rejected by her bio dad, and now rejected by her step dad because her bio dads a wanker?

gerbilfun Thu 20-Jun-19 11:55:36

Has your DP sought any counselling since your Ex threatened to kill him? That's a serious trauma and it sounds like he has been deeply affected by it. I would consider sending him to counselling and having him assessed for PTSD. It may be that he feels unsafe in general (understandably!) and your daughter is an easy scapegoat for his feelings.

After he came home from being at his friends I noticed his mood deteriorating over the coming weeks I made him a doctors appointment and he was diagnosed with depression. He's got a lot better but it still really affects him. He's a really quiet man and doesn't do fighting.

Did he actually says he doesn't like her, or just that he feels like that incident impacted their relationship?

He didn't actually say those words but I knew in the way he was talking that that's what he wanted to say. It came about when I mentioned that he doesn't do much anymore with those 3. He said he was fine to take the older two but doesn't care to spend time with her like he used too.

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Magda72 Thu 20-Jun-19 12:00:45

@gerbilfun it really does sound like he's suffering from pst. He really should see someone for all your sakes. He's had something very shocking done to him & the people on here minimizing that are the reason pts & other mh issues are still so stigmatized.

Birdie6 Thu 20-Jun-19 12:01:06

Last summer my 14 year old got in contact with her father that she hadn't seen for 8 years. He came round being abusive and threatened to slash dp throat

So did your DP feel that the two incidents were connected - that DD14 set off this chain of events by contacting her father ? If DP has always stepped up and cared for her he may feel that she has let him down.

I feel sorry for both of them - and you. .

gerbilfun Thu 20-Jun-19 12:01:59

I've never looked into ptsd but it does sound like that.

Imagine how she feels? Rejected by her bio dad, and now rejected by her step dad because her bio dads a wanker?

He doesn't make it obvious to her. He still gives her money and will pick her up and drop her off to friends, pays for her trips ect. I'm not even sure she realises the impact she's done. I begged her not to get into contact with him because he's nasty but she did it behind my back. We've had to move in the past ( days before dp) because he threatened to burn our house down with us in it.

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Nesssie Thu 20-Jun-19 12:04:16

he just doesn't really have anything to do with her. That would be obvious to her.
and a 14 year old is going to want to speak to her father. Its natural. She had to learn his true nature herself.

gerbilfun Thu 20-Jun-19 12:05:35

@Birdie6 I think that's the main factor here. I think he feels hurt. He's much younger than me and has brought them up as his own. Even after having the two with me he treats them all the same and doesn't favour his own over them. He told me last night that he feels betrayed. He's never told her this so she's obvious to it all.

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gerbilfun Thu 20-Jun-19 12:08:03

She gave him a Father's Day card on Sunday thanking him for all he does for her.

It's all just really sad and I feel like I'm stuck in the middle.

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HollowTalk Thu 20-Jun-19 12:12:45

Why does he blame her for her father's behaviour, though? That doesn't make sense to me.

gerbilfun Thu 20-Jun-19 12:16:37

@HollowTalk probably because she started this? She opened a door that can't be closed.
She's showed her father where we live.

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HerondaleDucks Thu 20-Jun-19 12:17:24

Oh gosh I feel for all of you.
I don't think he's been immature, I think the event traumatised him and as a result he's been diagnosed with depression?
I think he was reaching out to you by confessing these feelings.
When your ex came round the house, did he come to see your dd? And what was her role leading up to him being abusive?

Is there any way you could do family things together to try and help him feel more settled around her again?
Is there scope for you to have a conversation with her about her dad and how its not fair on the rest of the family to allow him to come and be abusive? Does she understand the impact this has had?
Maybe a group/family meeting to talk about it? We have family meetings a lot in our house and we find they are very useful especially when something is troubling my dsd.

gerbilfun Thu 20-Jun-19 12:19:59

The older two want nothing to do with him and he isn't satisfied with that. He's sending my eldest daughter awful messages about her looks and saying she's a whore. My son was born with club feet and he's leaving voicemail messages to him calling him a cripple. I've called the police and they advised that we change their phone numbers. So we did and he bullied dd until she gave her db and Ds phone number to him.

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Cheeseandwin5 Thu 20-Jun-19 12:21:34

Sorry, if your asking him to be honest about his feelings , than you need to listen to what he says without making judgements. If he feels sharing means he will come under such scrutiny, then do moan when he doesn't share in the future.
Now its out in the open you should (both) be working on improving things/ relationships.

Snappedandfarted2019 Thu 20-Jun-19 12:23:11

Hes been particularly unfair putting this on all on a 14 year old girl she's a child who wanted to have a relationship with her real father unfortunately he was abusive. He needs to get help but it's not normal to put the blame on you're girl and if he cant move on he needs to leave

gerbilfun Thu 20-Jun-19 12:24:27

When your ex came round the house, did he come to see your dd? And what was her role leading up to him being abusive?

When he came to the house me and dp were tidying the garden and dd walked in the back gate with him. To say I was shocked was an understatement, it was the first time dp had met him. They shook hands and her dad was being pleasant but I saw through him and knew he'd turn nasty. I gathered dp inside and told him to stay there and pretend he was doing something. That's when eldest dd started arguing with him and he got abusive younger dd saw the whole thing but still maintains that she wants a relationship with him.

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