Need a Rant.

[Hopeless25]

It never ends!!! Im the step mum to 3 children from partners 2 previous relationships. SS 14 has been the victim of parental alienation his whole life and just when things started going well it seems it all went downhill. Parenting plan stipulates holiday visits for 1 week every holiday but my partner has started giving the option. The usual routine is 2-3 days off work for my partner and I pick up child care the rest of the week to which I always plan a different outing for SS and I to do. But then we hear him telling his mum how bored he is and how he doesn't do anything when here. Last holiday he took issue with the fact that when partner and I get married he will inherit cousins???? He hardly sees them when here anyway. Holiday before that he claimed I never fed him enough - Pantry stocked with things HE CHOSE!!! This holiday a msg gets sent to my partner insisting on a number of expensive activities with JUST HIM and DAD. A point that was reiterated about 4 times. Every holiday i make sure there are things for just him and my partner but also for us to do as a family. I wished him happy bday and got a shit response in return. No thank u just a thumbs up. He then sent another msg stating that he will only stay with us for the time that partner has off..... i Have no idea where the animosity comes from, we have never had an issue before. So needless to say I am irritated by the self entitlement and blatant disrespect. Not only from him but my partner as well....should I expect him to do something??? He is almost proud and smug about it and as happy as I am that his son wants to spend time with him i am SERIOUSLY pissed off that I am being painted the wicked step mum when I DO EVERY THING for all 3 of his kids when they are here. Advice please!!!! I cant help but feel angry with my partner but i don't know what he can do to make it better

[Magda72]

Well he can start by telling his ds not to disrespect you! He's 14 not 4!
There's a lot of similar posts on here - mainly involving dads - who up this sort of behaviour whey they hit the teens. Some if this is hormones, some of it is teens pushing boundaries & some of it is kids who have been treated like little princesses & princes all their lives & who have never been thought a bit of empathy.
One of the big problems as I see it is that the kid who behaves like this feeds the parents ego - ie I ONLY want dad - which the parent feels great about even if only on a subconscious level & so capitulates & rewards the behaviour by given in to the demands. You & your dp have a long road ahead of you if he starts letting his 14 yo dictate what's going on but more importantly he should be pulling him up on the way he 'speaks' to you both verbally & non verbally.
All that being said does your dss have to fight for time with his dad with his other siblings - the siblings from the second relationship? Do they see your dp together or separately. This may have something to do with it & it's nothing personal to you as all - you're just the target for his ire. Either way he still shouldn't be disrespecting you.

[Magda72]

mainly involving dsds*

[Spanglyprincess1]

Old chestnut, you have a dp problem. He needs to deal with his children not you. Rudeness should never be tolerated and he should be corrected and taught manners. Imagine the adult he will become otherwise.
You don't have to like it but you do have to be polite. Eg please, thank you etc.
Dp also. Should correct the lies. It might be an age thing my sisters step son went through a period of lying at 14/15 but at 16 moved in with her full time and adores her now

[Snappedandfarted2019]

Well tbh holiday time should be spend with his dad and not you whilst hes at work otherwise what was the point in him coming. Bit worrying he has DC with more than one partner, are you planning on having DC together?

[Snappedandfarted2019]

Btw I'm not saying you not be there but he should take the full time off during the holiday not part of the time.

[Hopeless25]

Thank you the responses. I don't think DP sees anything wrong and just brushes it off as his age. DP only gets 4 weeks leave a year, taking a full week every holiday leaves him with no leave and the week with him is exhausting on its own. His other kids are only with us 1 weekend but if that weekend falls over the time SS is here all hell breaks loose. So we again move things around to suit him. Its just the whole attitude of its such a burden for him to come and he expects us to spend $$$ in the hundreds on him just to keep him entertained every day but now even dictating how/when and who does it. I am stucj between wanting to prove a point and not being around at all or being arouns and proving a point that WE are a family. I am dreading what is going to happen when we get married in a few months and how he will react to that news.

[Hopeless25]

Oh sorry never addressed your other msg snapped Ss was a happy surprise at a very young age and the other 2 are from a 10 year marriage.:-) We are planning on having kids mostly because I want them and I can only imagine the fights that will cause with the 14 yo

[Magda72]

Hi @Hopeless25 - sorry to sound pedantic but I don't understand when you say the other kids are only there 1 weekend?
And does dss only visit during the holidays?

[Hopeless25]

So SS 14 lives quite a distance away and is only allowed to visit for 1 week in the school holidays. And SD11 and SS10 from another relationship visit 1 weekend of every month.

[Snappedandfarted2019]

What do you think most parents do with annual leave? They take it to have time off with there DC, of course he should take the week off with him, my ds is having a week abroad with his df in August. Hes just had a week away in Turkey with us. He went away for a week in the Easter holidays with his df, part of having annual leave a actually spending time with you're DC nr necessary spending money but time.

[Hopeless25]

DP tries to encourage some time spent together so that the siblings can bond as well but this goes down like a ton of bricks with SS so the other kids havent been around for the last 2 visits. Again pandering to SS whims and demands.

[Teddybear45]

Doesn’t sound like your DP sees any of his kids very often and so there’s no point in them coming over when your DP isn’t around.

[Snappedandfarted2019]

So he visits one week a year and you're dp can take the full week off that pretty disgraceful tbh

[Snappedandfarted2019]

Cant*

[Hopeless25]

100% Snapped but SS expects all the leave to be taken and spent ONLY with him. And previous visits took place in a time when DP was in a new job and no work meant no pay which affected everyone.

[Teddybear45]

Your SS is right to expect that. Your DP needs to plan for the financial hit.

[Snappedandfarted2019]

He gets the crumbs why cant he have some time with his dad alone he gets half a week at best you both should be ashamed of yourselves you sound proud

[Magda72]

Gotcha!
And do you mind me asking how your dp sorted access with dss when he was previously married? As in did dss visit that home or was there some other arrangement in place? Were they blended or has there always been a certain level of separation?
I only ask as I think the main issue here is not really you, but dp's other kids & now the possibility of yet another family (dss's possible perspective & not excusing his behaviour or saying you shouldn't have kids ).

[Magda72]

I cross posted with a lot of people there.
Would it be feasible for your dp to travel once or twice a year to do a long weekend alone with dss? - in addition to the week spent with you guys? And then explain to him that the week with you guys is family time - to include you & his half siblings?

[AuntMarch]

As a teen I wanted to spend my school holidays with my friends- I was out all day every day. I'd have visited my parent but would have resented "giving up" (that's how it would feel) my holiday to spend days of it with a step parent. No matter how nice you are, he didn't chose you, his dad did.

If your DP can't take all the time off (are we talking one week at Easter/summer/Xmas? That still leaves him a week. All parents use leave for childcare, don't they?), SS should be allowed to go home early if that's what he wants to do. It's he and his dad that should have contact after all.

[AuntMarch]

• not saying you shouldn't be around as well as DP, just that I get why be doesn't want one to one time with you.

[Hopeless25]

Sorry Snapped, I am going to take exception to that comment. The arrangements have been made as a court order pursued by the biological mother. DP has fought for time with SS and has been denied time and time again. As I said I have always gone above and beyond for all step kids and I take offence to being so blatantly brushed off. Perhaps it is expected but I merely came on here to rant about my hurt feelings to ppl in a similar boat. Thank you for your generous understanding.

[Hopeless25]

Thank you all for your input, I definitely do get that as a teen time with a step mum does seem pretty shit hahaha so hurt feelings aside I do begrudgingly understand, just hurtful as I do really go above and beyond to ensure he has a great time when he is here and felt a bit attacked by the blatant exclusion. 😊 But comes with the territory of being a step parent I guess.

[Snappedandfarted2019]

You're waste of space dp can't even be bothered to take a full week off to spend time with his son who gets one week a year with, that's disgraceful all because he only gets 4 weeks,most people only get 4 weeks. Thank God my ds df and sm actually ensure he is as much as family member as is he is in our family and take annual leave to actually spend time with and make memories no wonder the poor kid is fed up he wants his dad to actually give a damn about him and make an effort maybe do something nice with him so he can go back and tell his friend oh me and my dad did this in the holidays instead he spend half the week with his sm.

[Littleduckeggblue]

One week a year or one week of every school holiday?