When the new "step parent" is only concerned with their children?!

(26 Posts)
Squidworthscrabbypatty Wed 19-Jun-19 21:48:05

Not sure i have quite posted this in the right place but im not sure where else to ask.

So EXDP has split up with OW and moved back in with OW from when we were together (thats a whole other thread, but still and i shall refer to her as E).

I recieved a fb message from E today to explain she was really sorry but her and her children will be coming first from now on with my EXDP and she wishes to have no involvement in their lifes whatsoever as they have a new family unit now.

For background, when she was OW initially, she was not happy we were friends and would continually message him to show him how she speaks to her exdp and was trying to encourage him to do the same - when our DD was in intensive care at 6 weeks old with Sepsis, she accused me of lying for attention and wouldnt allow him to come to the hospital whilst i was there.

Exdp has blocked me from contacting him in any way shape or form, despite us being on relatively good terms up until recently with him having regular contact with DCs (aged 3 and 2).

She also mentioned that he will no longer be paying me any maintence as her and her DC will require financial support from him as she has lost out on some of her benefit entitlement as a result of him moving in.

Im raging, not because E has messaged me but i feel gutted for our DC , when he got with OW previously he dropped them at the drop of a hat and its taken a lot of tounge biting and hard work to get the point were we were almost successfuly co.parenting relatively well. Also, i feel exdp really needs to grow a pair and start doing the right thing for our DC not treating them like toys.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Would it be unreasonable for me to suggest perhaps he has them 50% of the time given he is no longer contributing? I dont mean for this to sound bitchy but i have recently been made redundant and have had to move on to Universal Credit.

I am deeply upset and saddened by Es message - i havent asked her or assumed she would be taking on the Step mum role (ex doesnt wait to introduce people to our DC).

OP’s posts: |
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge Wed 19-Jun-19 21:51:19

Personally I would let him seek court orders access. And cms also.
And block her from all ways of contacting you.

Protect your dc from the neglect they will feel from both ex and E, keep them away.
Nasty fuckers.

Squidworthscrabbypatty Wed 19-Jun-19 22:01:14

Ive been done this road before, he wont take me to court, he doesnt have the money for this, currently recieve money through collect and pay, but as he has declared this change to CMS i am sure it will drastically reduce - but its not just about the money, im really knarked off that he can be a 'daddy' to another two children but not to his own, and yet if he did ever take me to court would probably be awarded shared custody as is often the case now from my understanding.

OP’s posts: |
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge Wed 19-Jun-19 22:08:42

He failed your dc at 6 weeks old. He is a twat.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Wed 19-Jun-19 22:13:02

Is the child maintenance you are due reduced because he is now living with other children even though they are not biologically his?

Squidworthscrabbypatty Wed 19-Jun-19 22:19:55

Yes - thats the way CMS works apparently! E will still be able to get maintence from her ex as well but mine will be reduced accordingly to take into account he has financial responsibilities in a household with two children, irrespective if they are not his children.

OP’s posts: |
burnyburny Wed 19-Jun-19 22:26:55

So, is she saying he won't even be seeing his kids anymore, never mind paying for them??

Wow, your ex really is a spineless loser to be letting this woman call all the shots.

My skin is crawling at the thought of such a pathetic man.

NorthernSpirit Wed 19-Jun-19 22:40:43

God she sounds a right piece of work and he needs to get some balls.

Maintenance - go through the CMS and let them decide what he should be paying.

WRT contact - it’s uoto him and you can’t force it (sadly).

She sounds like an absolute control freak. He leaves you for her, goes off to someone else and then he’s back to her. Yuk.... used goods. I would say you are well rid.

Lonecatwithkitten Thu 20-Jun-19 08:19:46

Maintenance - CMS yes it probably will fall, but let them sort him out.
Don't engage with her she is trying to rile you so she can illustrate how she saved him from you as your are so unreasonable.
I would continue to make the children available ( we'll be at home when they would normally be collected), but anticipate that they won't go.
Of course it is your children who are the ones who will ultimately lose out on their relationship with their father.
When they are older they will recognise who was there for them.

Tactfulish Thu 20-Jun-19 08:53:16

Jesus that is horrid, I can't believe someone would message that with a straight face!!
I would not want my DC near her, if she can show such open contempt about them to you I would not want the DC exposed to that.
Just go through CMS, yes you will get less but considering his track record with women I'd be suprised if this ends up being a long term arrangement. Don't let him get away with paying nothing, plus if he is not having the DC overnights anymore that will help to increase the maintenance.

Blueuggboots Thu 20-Jun-19 08:57:48

I would cut him out if their lives. What a tosser!!

Baby1onboard11 Thu 20-Jun-19 08:58:18

Wow. I’m not sure who’s worse. That awful woman or your ex for allowing it. Is there any chance he doesn’t know she’s sent it? I would forward it to him just in case and then block.

What sort of man would allow a woman to come between his relationship with his children. Awful

Lordamighty Thu 20-Jun-19 09:04:33

Personally I wouldn’t want my children within a mile of either of them but do make sure he pays whatever the cms say is due.

TheInvestigator Thu 20-Jun-19 09:08:11

Keep that message. I went through the same thing with my ex and everyone from the health visitor to my solicitor told me to tell my kids the truth as they grow up. Don’t cover for him and don’t lie for him. Just tell them the truth in age appropriate ways. So keep that message for when they are grown up, incase they want to know.

Blitheringheights Thu 20-Jun-19 09:12:18

I am normally all for ‘keep the relationship going with the father’ but this is going to be such a toxic and awful situation for them (he picks them up then abandons then again) that no contact and whatever you can get through can might be best.

I’m so sorry for you, this sounds absolutely awful, what terrible, terrible people (but especially him. She’s more toxic sounding but they’re HIS children, this is his choice).

Blitheringheights Thu 20-Jun-19 09:12:40

Through cms obviously.

HerondaleDucks Thu 20-Jun-19 10:27:54

She sounds vile.
I would block her to prevent any further messages, save the ones she has sent just in case.
Go through CMS and get something fixed in stone.
You can't force him to have contact with his children, but from what you've said he sounds really flaky so if she's that controlling I doubt he'll last.
It really winds me up when women do this to a man's first family. In my opinion those children come first, not to be ditched in favour of her children. If she was that bothered about losing money she shouldn't be living with him as he has pre existing responsibilities.

I'm really sorry you got that horrible message though. Totally uncalled for, unfair and reeks of her insecurities.

itsrainingagain19 Thu 20-Jun-19 16:18:07

Be realistic and work out what you can actually get from him.
If not much, tell him and her to stick their drama up the arses!
Why I say be realistic is because I've told my exh many times if he can support the dc to have the more, even his parents due to them being grandparents but nope.
I don't beg anymore I just make plans. Do the best you can

SandyY2K Thu 20-Jun-19 17:30:48

I honestly wouldn't want either one of them near my DC.

He's a disgrace of a father and she knows it, hence she has the impudence to do what she did in messaging you...as well as the historic control when your baby was I'll at 6 weeks old.

Anuta77 Thu 20-Jun-19 20:35:16

Wouw, I understand you. My ex also stopped contact and blocked me based on some lies of his new woman who didn't want to have children and apparently was inconvenienced by mine who lives in another country. I was raging for a while at ex and at his new woman and feeling bad for my son. I think he was about 4 or 5. He's 11 now and he's fine. It's nice to have 2 loving parents, but it's not the end of the world if one of them is inadequate. Your children can still get a lot of love from you and other people.

About the OW, it seems that she's in competition with you and it's horrible that she's taking it out on your kids. I would be worried to leave them with her. How are they going to feel in her presence and you are sure that she won't mistreat them even if subtly?

If she wrote to you herself (your ex could have announced it to you or simply stopped paying without an explanation like mine did), it's too show her importance to you. Definitely block her, she has nothing to do with you.

What an idiot, how is she imagining that he will be allowed not to pay you maintenance?

Teddybear45 Fri 21-Jun-19 10:22:23

Keep the messages. Don’t facilitate contact. He will really regret prioritizing another man’s kids when they and his own don’t want anything to do with him as they get older.

Squidworthscrabbypatty Fri 21-Jun-19 23:02:30

Its my babies i feel sorry for - i wish he could just step up to the mark and be a dad - no doubt when this relationship goes belly up he will try to worm his way back in again and im not sure i can go through this again. DS nursery are in contact with him and they have suggested i get a Child arrangement order so if he doesnt stick to it then i have the proof at a later date?

OP’s posts: |
SandyY2K Sat 22-Jun-19 00:40:43

Good advice from the nursery.

devilishlygood Sun 07-Jul-19 07:58:32

After receiving this sort of message from the new woman, would you, in good conscience, pack your DC off to their father’s for 50:50 care??? Serious consideration? In all honesty, that would be my below LAST solution.

As others have stated, leave financials to CMS, keep job hunting so you don’t have to necessarily stay on UC, and don’t count on this cunt you procreated with for anything.

It’s little remedy that the children may see what a useless prick they came from, some kids forgive in later years-I did- but you have a clear conscience that you did your best by the babies.

Ayemama Sun 07-Jul-19 18:04:14

Don't try for 50/50 I don't think you can count on him to look after your kids well and sounds like OW isn't someone you really want near your DC.
Go to CMS and make him pay for the administration stuff too as he wants no contact with you and is too much of a coward to tell you so yourself. If he's not having contact with DC he will have to pay more anyway as the amount goes up the less he has them.

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