Unhappy with partner going away with baby over wkd without me to visit his other son

[Mamalovey]

Just want people's opinions on whether it's reasonable for me to feel unhappy about this or if I am being unreasonable and ought to lighten up.

I have a one year old son with my partner. He has a 12 year old son from a previous relationship whom he visits for a few days each month. It's a one hour flight away. They stay at my partner's parents house ie. Granny and grandads.

For the first nine months after our baby was born and whilst I was on maternity leave we have been flying over to granny and grandads every month during my partners visit to see his 12 year old son. Now that I am back at work, baby and I are going there maybe every four or so months.

My partner has talked about taking our baby over (without me) on the occasional long weekend. Being that an extra adult flight fare is much more expensive than just taking a baby.

I don't feel happy about it, for a number of reasons,

• I feel left out and unimportant. As long as baby is there is all that counts. They'll have a blast without me.

• my partners son is autistic and spends a lot of time in front of the screen playing video games. When we are at granny and grandads my partner ultimately ends up being in the living room hanging out next to his 12year old playing video games with him or just sitting there. I am so scared that our baby will be influenced by all the screen vibe.

• I don't feel happy that my partner has to jump on a plane every month already but he must visit his son, therefore it isn't a choice for him. I don't want my baby having to jump on a plane as well if he doesn't need to. If I'm not flying, then baby doesn't need to fly.

Grandparents and 12year old son would be delighted to have baby over, but is it my duty to keep them happy even if I'm not? It's not that we don't visit at all, it's just not at the frequency that would be ideal for them. My parents are a 24hour flight away and they'll be lucky if we manage to see them once a year.

My partner isn't pushy about it and does see that I don't like it, but the grandparents are always hinting at it. I just don't feel comfortable and happy about it but don't know how to justify it to them.

[MrsRhettButler]

I think yabu, sibling relationships are very important and even just being together in the same house will help to build on that.
I think you sound a little selfish tbh.

[Babysharkdododont]

I'm probably in a minority but I'd be more than happy with this set up, once or twice a year.
You get a weekend to yourself, your child gets to see its grandparents and vice versa.

[Sandybval]

It's tricky as your son is obviously his as well, but it's perfectly reasonable that you don't feel too comfortable with it given your son is only one. If you go over every 4 months, can they travel over sometime? Facetime them? As you say he needs to go regularly, but you also need to come to a compromise you're both happy with.

[Sandybval]

Ah wait I missed it would just be the occasional long weekend, either offer to go too, or as long as wouldn't be too often seems fair?

[AudacityOfHope]

Why do you feel left out and unimportant? It's about your partner's sons having a sibling bond, not actually about you really at all.

You do sound a little selfish I'm afraid.

[Thursday452poh]

I am so scared that our baby will be influenced by all the screen vibe.

What are you scared of re screens?

[NailsNeedDoing]

I can understand you being uncomfortable and unhappy about it, but your child is old enough to be away from you and his father is every bit as much a parent as you are. I think it would be selfish and controlling to prevent your son having as close a relationship as possible with his big brother and grandparents, when th only reason is your discomfort.

I can imagine it would be difficult for you the first couple of times, and I can see that every month would be too much, but if it happened every other or every few months, you might eventually find you enjoy the time to yourself.

[MrsRhettButler]

Oh gosh, I've just realised this isn't aibu. So sorry.

[C0untDucku1a]

Yabu. He is his father. He shouldnt need your permission to take his own child to visit grandparents and brother.

[Birdie6]

. I am so scared that our baby will be influenced by all the screen vibe

If baby is in the house with granny and grandad, it's most likely that he'll be playing with them - not sitting in front of the screen. I wouldn't be too worried about that happening..

[TixieLix]

Can you compromise and your DS goes every second month? That way he only goes without you every other time. Also speak to your DP and see if he can encourage his older DS to do other things than play video games during his visits.

[LetsPlayDarts]

You've said its occasional weekends so I see no problem with this. Your DS needs to build a relationship with his DB and GC's and this sounds like a great way to do it.

[bordellosboheme]

I'm with you OP. Do you still beeastfeed? If so then that's a ready reason not to. I would think your baby still needs to be with you aged 1. Put your foot down.

[bordellosboheme]

Breastfeed!!

[Aroundtheworldandback]

I don’t think you have anything to worry about re screens at 12 months old, but in the future? Yup that’s the one concern of yours that makes sense. I say this as the mother of a gamer. What would you do though if the elder son came to live with you one day?

[Janleverton]

What’s the problem with the baby flying - it’s not exactly arduous for him/her? the benefit of relationship with grandparents and sibling is not to be sniffed at. It’s not like it’s every weekend.

[Cornishmum00]

Your dp has a right to take his child to visit sibling and gp, you saying you dont want to feel left out sounds very childish to me

[StrippingTheVelvet]

I think you either need to let him go with the baby alone or for you to go as well. It's not really acceptable to refuse to facilitate a relationship between siblings.


Also, family is especially important for those with autism as they are so excluded by the rest of a world that wasn't designed with their needs in mind.

[Littlechocola]

His baby too.

[SymbollocksInteractionism]

I don't see a problem with this at all. Your son is hardly going to be damaged by seeing his autistic brother gaming once every few months!! He'll more than likely be spending time with his grandparents!

[Mamalovey]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.
Yes I am still breastfeeding/mixed feeding. And baby still wakes several times in night. I do feel selfish but am trying to understand where its coming from. I guess if I'm honest I don't have a connection with his son. Why I'm nervous about the screen time, because my partner can also be very reliant on the screen as well, being glued to it at the dinner table, forgetting to keep an eye on baby if he's busy on his phone etc. Grandad works and granny has plenty other duties during the day. Older son was picking baby up whenever he liked all wobbly headed when his head still needed supporting, and I have been nervous ever since.

I dunno, I'm nervous about baby being on a plane more than he needs to. And I'm worried than I am not there to look out for him when my partner is busy attending to older son. It's little things too like the car journey to and from the airport. It's a 1.5hr journey airport to house and when it's smoking hot in the backseat nobody seems to realise, baby has the sun in his face and I am suffering from heat. Every time we fly it's a disruption to baby's sleep. Early mornings and late evenings. He already wakes multiple times in the night.

But we are all visiting together every four months. Is that not reasonable? The last time my parents saw baby was when he was three weeks old. We'll be lucky if we see them again before baby is two.

[StrippingTheVelvet]

It sounds like the issue is that his family will get to see the baby more than yours. It's not a competition and certainly shouldn't when it involves a child with special needs and what's best for them. His son is his just as much his child as the baby.

Honestly ask yourself, if your baby is disabled and in years to come your partner's new girlfriend had the same outlook as you do now, would you be happy? Maybe you wouldn't care but maybe you'd be so upset on his behalf.

[Baddabingbaddaboom]

I don't really see the problem, the baby is his son too and like pp have said, sibling relationships are really important and the fact that you have gp that want to be involved in your babies life is a good thing!

I also don't see the problem re the screen issue? What is it exactly that you're worried about?

My genuine advice is to start enjoying having a long weekend to yourself every once in a while. The baby is well looked after with his dad and around other family and you have time to chill / clean / do whatever you want or need to do.

Relaaaaaaax

[Baddabingbaddaboom]

I had a bit of a cross post there. I apologise

[MrsRhettButler]

I do actually see where you're coming from, I think it's a tricky situation.
Is there any way you can visit more often with the baby? I'm sure it's not easy to bond with an older step child who is engrossed in his screen, maybe suggest family outings that he would be happy with whilst you're there? Sometimes they need dragging away from the screens to realise that other things can be fun although I appreciate this could be hard as he is autistic.