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Asking for a friend...

(12 Posts)
Summer84 Tue 18-Jun-19 14:44:18

I have friends who are the legal guardians and grandparents of a child (pre-teens).

This kid (lets call him Adam) was born to parents who abused drugs, before conceiving and whilst carrying, and my friends are convinced that whilst still not really diagnosed, the effects of his parents actions, have been passed on.

Cutting to the chase, The boy is displaying all different kinds of bad behaviour:
Stealing: Money, Cigarettes, Games (from the childminder / social services club ) stealing from his GPs bedroom etc.
Being very disruptive at school: with detention almost every single night after school
Posting on Social Media threatening to self harm
Uses disgusting language at his DGPs and uses the C word.
Has called the police for fake incidents
the list can go on,

My friends are really trying so hard and I can see how upsetting this is for them, as Social Services have pretty much given up hope, firstly they were too late in offering their help as they didn't think it was needed, and now they are at a stage where they say, that there is nothing they can do

My friends have been talking about giving him up, and obviously this is not an easy decision to make, and they really do not want to, but no matter how much they try, they do not appear to be able to make him understand.

Adam has been told the possible outcomes of his behaviour and he promises that it will never happen again, but the next day starts as if nothing ever happened.

I really feel for my friends as well as Adam, as when Adam goes to an club 2 evenings during the week, he is as good as gold and you would never have thought this is the person he is when he is at home.

How can you get through to a child that has no fear of consequence,

I might also add here, that he has been arrested and interviewed following some of his actions , but again, acts like nothing has happened and he now has a charge against his name, but I guess at that age, you don't really understand the concept of this.

Any thoughts / offers of guidance that I could possibly share with my friends would be upmost appreciated.

Many thanks

OP’s posts: |
Tactfulish Tue 18-Jun-19 15:34:31

No advice but i feel terribly sad for all involved here. The Grandparents have stepped in to give him a home desite a horrible start and are now suffering the consequences of that and so is the child
Is there someone at the club he does whom he respects who could talk to him?

Summer84 Tue 18-Jun-19 15:52:08

Hello @Tactfulish.

I do not think that there is no.

The thing is, like most young kids, it goes in one ear and straight out of the other and if it doesn't then it is all forgotten by the next day.

It is sad and this is why I am here, to see if anybody could suggest anything that hasn't already been tried.

"Adam" doesn't have many friends aside from at school, I have a step-son, and whilst the two of them get on great like a house on fire, I have asked, if the DGPs think, having them "hang-out" together outside of our get togethers and evening club. the only problem with this, (I know this sounds awful) is that without watching him like a hawk, you really do now know if he is going to be leaving the house with something that doesn't belong to him.

It is a real shame that these are the things the run through our minds (DGPs too)

I have suggested that although he doesn't fear consequence, if maybe we found a chore that he didn't like, and triple the impact of the work, ie - a repercussion of doing something that he shouldn't, mop the kitchen floor, but rather than having a mop, using a cloth, I don't know if that was a good suggestion or bad, but I know if I was told I would have to do that - I wouldn't want to spend an hour on my hands and knees scrubbing a floor,,,

OP’s posts: |
Mac47 Tue 18-Jun-19 18:36:35

He needs more support than a loving family can provide at this point. Has there been a referral to CAMHS and YOT for further intervention and assessment?

Amibeingdaft81 Tue 18-Jun-19 18:40:28

*My friends have been talking about giving him up, and obviously this is not an easy decision to make,*

Appalling. So the boy knows that are thinking this. They are essentially threatening him with being put in to care.

poopypants Tue 18-Jun-19 19:27:02

AmIBeingDaft well what would you demand they do? They are grandparents. They might not have the ability to cope. There is no point condemning people who genuinely can not cope.

Amibeingdaft81 Tue 18-Jun-19 20:56:51

It is painful and very tough

But I sure as heck wouldn’t have said to the boy that he will be put into care if he doesn’t change his ways.

It may well be the case that the child does go in to care. However it shouldn’t hang over him as some kind of threat. That is not on. He just feel so vulnerable.

blahblah88 Tue 18-Jun-19 21:01:57

The only thing I can think of is counselling for the boy. There are clearly one or more underlying issues that need addressed. Someone I know had to give up an adopted child for similar reasons (they had 3 adopted children and her husband is disabled so it was too much on top of that).

Have SS actually given up? I didn't think that was an option. I know it's difficult but they should be supporting the guardians.

Summer84 Wed 19-Jun-19 09:30:28

@Amibeingdaft81 , they have not threatened him with this outcome, they have simply told him all the options that they have available.
I think since Adam does not have a fear a consequence, he does not think anything of this.
But as @poopypants said, what else do you suggest that they do.
They are well into their 60s and they took on a child, that nobody else would. They should be enjoying the rest of the days that they have and at the moment, it is causing far too much stress for all involved.

@blahblah88 I do not think that counselling has been tried, but I will speak to them and find out (Thank you)! As for SS, I think the fact the he stole something whilst at a club run by SS, made them realise that the DGPs were not actually making it up, and their words "we do not know if there is anything we can do" which even we all find odd.

It seems like the usual thing for SS these days, not around when you need them and then when they do come along, it is too late as the damage has already been done.

I just wish there was something I could do to help more, other than being an ear,

OP’s posts: |
Summer84 Wed 19-Jun-19 09:32:24

@Mac47 not sure about CAMHS , I would have "assumed" this would have been part of the SS service - but I will find out.

Thank you x

OP’s posts: |
ValleysGirl72 Sun 14-Jul-19 18:47:13

@Summer84, I hope that you have managed to arrange counselling for Adam. How are his grandparents coping?

Have they tried visiting the GP? He may have a behavioural problems.

I hope everything is beginning to work out for everyone concerned.

lunar1 Sun 14-Jul-19 19:50:56

Social services have said there is nothing they can do for a boy who is 12 at most! That's horrifying and I'd want a new social worker ASAP.

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