Hi all, I need some advice.
Boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are both 31.
He has two girls, 8 and 10. He did not tell me about them in the beginning of our relationship, I actually found out on social media. It was a shock because I was already falling in love with him and don’t date fathers as I don’t have any children. Anyway, I told him he absolutely needed to speak about them more and I needed to meet them., to which he agreed
He did have visitation every second weekend at the beginning, but that stopped maybe 6 months into our relationship when he went through financial problems and was unable to pay support to them.
The ex is remarried and has another child, and he says that he was pushed out of the picture.
He does pay child support now I am told but hasn’t seen his girls in 2.5 years. This has been a CONSTANT and very sore fight between us as I’ve been confused as to why it has taken so long for him to get legal aid to see them.
I want to move on with my live, id like to get married and have a child of my own but emotionally I can’t do it when he doesn’t see or even mention his children and I’m struggling.
As I am told he was trying to talk with his ex, then was going to courts, and is now doing legal mediation. He never offers anything about them news wise, I have to dig every time.
I lost my mother and my best friend 4 weeks ago to cancer. Instead of wanting him close I am pushing him away. I’m just a mess. I’m not sure if I should stay in the relationship or end it because I have been asking for something for 3 years and haven’t gotten it. I don’t understand why it’s taking so long and why he never includes me.
He and I do love one another. Asides from this we do great but tbh it’s always on my mind now.
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Step-parenting
Need serious advice please. Boyfriend doesn’t see his kids
Mystar18 · 12/06/2019 06:03
I’m so sorry for your losses 
Look, the most important thing is you need to give yourself time to heal, to mourn, to listen to yourself and slowly adjust to a life without your mum and best friend.
You are right to think your P is not father material, I would run a mile from someone who doesn’t see and support his children. He’s also a liar (not telling you he has children).
You’re right to re evaluate your situation. You need someone you can rely on, you want a family. Believe you me, he is a shit father and you won’t change that, he had years to do that and he didn’t. He will do the same to your children.
Please look after yourself. If I were you, I’d go away for a week or two, somewhere cheap and sunny, sleep, read, walk, eat and give yourself time to heal.
How terribly sad that you've lost your mother, OP. The loss and the grief is enormous beyond words. The death of your mother is a catalyst for change. I think you should trust what you're feeling now and seriously consider a big life change (in other words, end it).
The reason your BF's contact with his kids stopped has nothing to do with no longer paying CS. My ex never, ever paid a cent and still saw our DS. No court will stop contact because the non-resident parent isn't paying child support. And no parent can stop the other parent from seeing their child, even if CS is not being paid.
Only in extreme circumstances is child support court ordered. Almost always, it is not court ordered. The idea is that a decent parent just supports their child/children, end of. In America, where I am from, it is enforced by the courts. Not here though.
My ex never paid a penny towards our son. But he had orders galore to have contact with him. By the time he hit his pre-teens, DS stopped seeing his dad regularly and now in his teens, he's seen him a handful of times in the past 4 years.
Your boyfriend has made a conscious decision not to see his kids anymore. Nobody has stopped him. Though, I wonder if he isn't coping with them having a step-dad and a new sibling. DS was 8 when I had DC2 with current DH and almost immediately, contact dropped off a cliff. Not that it was ever that great. But certainly my ex was less interested in his child after the age of 7. It's like, once they stop being cute and cuddly and are out of the 'daddy is my universe' place, these guys lose interest. Add a new family to that equation and these guys all but ghost their kids.
I'd be very reluctant to have kids with your boyfriend. He's showing you that he easily lets go of love and doesn't move heaven and earth for those he loves. He shows no loyalty towards two of the most important people in his life. This would bother me too much.
It's hard to face all of this in the midst of your heavy grief. But I find in life there are two times our third eye opens and we are given the gift of tremendous insight: childbirth and bereavement.
Honour what is being revealed and make a change for the better. You're pushing your BF away for a reason. Honour that reason.
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Sounds like your mum was right....... sorry for your grief and loss but hopefully you will come to a brighter future ...
I wouldn't want to be with someone who can be that callous about his children enough to deny their existance either...and I think thats why its always been an issue for you really underneath
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