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Need serious advice please. Boyfriend doesn’t see his kids

(73 Posts)
Mystar18 Wed 12-Jun-19 06:03:55

Hi all, I need some advice.

Boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are both 31.

He has two girls, 8 and 10. He did not tell me about them in the beginning of our relationship, I actually found out on social media. It was a shock because I was already falling in love with him and don’t date fathers as I don’t have any children. Anyway, I told him he absolutely needed to speak about them more and I needed to meet them., to which he agreed

He did have visitation every second weekend at the beginning, but that stopped maybe 6 months into our relationship when he went through financial problems and was unable to pay support to them.

The ex is remarried and has another child, and he says that he was pushed out of the picture.

He does pay child support now I am told but hasn’t seen his girls in 2.5 years. This has been a CONSTANT and very sore fight between us as I’ve been confused as to why it has taken so long for him to get legal aid to see them.

I want to move on with my live, id like to get married and have a child of my own but emotionally I can’t do it when he doesn’t see or even mention his children and I’m struggling.

As I am told he was trying to talk with his ex, then was going to courts, and is now doing legal mediation. He never offers anything about them news wise, I have to dig every time.

I lost my mother and my best friend 4 weeks ago to cancer. Instead of wanting him close I am pushing him away. I’m just a mess. I’m not sure if I should stay in the relationship or end it because I have been asking for something for 3 years and haven’t gotten it. I don’t understand why it’s taking so long and why he never includes me.

He and I do love one another. Asides from this we do great but tbh it’s always on my mind now.

OhioOhioOhio Wed 12-Jun-19 06:25:22

I am very sorry to hear your sad news about your mum.

I had a husband who was a bad father to a son from a previous relationship.

He is now a bad father to my children.

It's not a coincidence. It's because I believed his lies and excuses.

Get rid of your boyfriend.

user1493413286 Wed 12-Jun-19 06:28:56

I’m really sorry about your mum and best friend.
I think you know that this isn’t a dad who is doing everything possible to see his children and be part of their life. It’s also very likely he’d be the exact same way if you had a child together.

JeremyCorbynsCoat Wed 12-Jun-19 06:29:13

So sorry for the loss of your mum.

As for your boyfriend... my eldest DS's dad doesn't see him, he'd have everyone thing that's my fault but in reality he just can't be arsed. He's never paid a penny CSA (even when he did see him). You need to get rid, don't bother starting a family with him he will do the exact same to you.

Ponieswithponytails Wed 12-Jun-19 06:30:30

Do not have a child with him. He’s shown you what sort of father he will be. Your future child deserves better. You deserve better. End it.

billybagpuss Wed 12-Jun-19 06:30:40

It’s not up to you how, when or if he sees his kids. It’s not worth the emotional fight that you are creating over it.

It is however up to you if this is the sort of man you want to be with. He has shown you how much of a family man he is, believe him. Can you be sure he would behave any differently when you start a family.

AnthonyCrowley Wed 12-Jun-19 06:31:28

Well I couldnt be in a relationship with someone who's character thought this was ok.

kimlo Wed 12-Jun-19 06:32:22

have you seen any proof of going to court, mediation or him paying for the children? Or is it just what he is telling you is happening?

It's taking so long because it's not happening in all probability.

mumto2babyboys Wed 12-Jun-19 06:34:47

Have to agree. I have an ex who was a terrible dad to his child and never bothered yet constantly told me he wasn't allowed to see them and felt sorry for himself etc

The truth is he just doesn't care

You can't have a life and children of your own with a man like this as he will repeat his mistakes and not bother with your future child also

We always think love can change people but in the end, long term it doesn't

Sorry about your loss. Cruse bereavement are great

Pearlfish Wed 12-Jun-19 06:36:05

This has been going on for three years OP - and presumably a lot longer than that before he met you. He's not suddenly going to change into Dad of the year. I wouldn't waste any more time on this relationship if I were you.

There's no guarantee that anyone you meet in future will be an amazing Dad to your DC. But this guy is guaranteed not to be!

Mystar18 Wed 12-Jun-19 06:36:57

@kimlo.

I have no proof of anything. I’ve not seen bank statements, or anything from a lawyer. Did go through his phone in the beginnjng and saw texts from his ex about lack of payments

pictish Wed 12-Jun-19 06:37:57

I think you’re right to be wary of him. He’s showing you that he’s a lazy, uninvolved, disinterested, self-serving father. You are hesitant to plan a future family with someone who clearly isn’t arsed about his own kids and who could blame you?

Mystar18 Wed 12-Jun-19 06:39:07

Yeah. At first it was an issue but now spiritually I just can’t ignore it any longer. I think about it constantly. I just can’t comprehend how he isn’t going insane over not seeing them. I feel like it’s my Mother trying to tell me to leave him haha as she always told me to. I feel like that’s why I can’t handle it anymore

RuffleCrow Wed 12-Jun-19 06:39:43

I should imagine there's a good reason he doesn't see them.

Why are you making this your problem?

AJPTaylor Wed 12-Jun-19 06:41:20

Listen to yourself!
You deserve better.

pictish Wed 12-Jun-19 06:42:56

Why does your mother say that?

8FencingWire Wed 12-Jun-19 06:44:30

I’m so sorry for your losses flowers

Look, the most important thing is you need to give yourself time to heal, to mourn, to listen to yourself and slowly adjust to a life without your mum and best friend.
You are right to think your P is not father material, I would run a mile from someone who doesn’t see and support his children. He’s also a liar (not telling you he has children).

You’re right to re evaluate your situation. You need someone you can rely on, you want a family. Believe you me, he is a shit father and you won’t change that, he had years to do that and he didn’t. He will do the same to your children.

Please look after yourself. If I were you, I’d go away for a week or two, somewhere cheap and sunny, sleep, read, walk, eat and give yourself time to heal.

Mystar18 Wed 12-Jun-19 06:45:06

@pictish

She didn’t trust him as he didn’t see his kids and most importantly she felt he tricked me into the relationship by not being honest About them.

Tableclothing Wed 12-Jun-19 06:45:36

I don’t understand why it’s taking so long and why he never includes me.

Yeah you do. Simplest answer is usually the right one: he's selfish and dishonest, probably quite cowardly. Not a keeper.

I'm sorry for your loss.

pictish Wed 12-Jun-19 06:53:44

Yes she’s right. I didn’t comment on the fact that he’d kept them under wraps but it is one fuck-ton of an omission isn’t it? Must have been a shock to find out about them.

mumto2babyboys Wed 12-Jun-19 06:55:37

At the very least take a break from him. Don't see him for a few weeks while you can try to sort out your head and weigh up if you want a future with someone who treats their children so badly.

There is no excuse for not paying child support that's just disgusting isn't

TheVanguardSix Wed 12-Jun-19 06:57:26

How terribly sad that you've lost your mother, OP. The loss and the grief is enormous beyond words. flowers The death of your mother is a catalyst for change. I think you should trust what you're feeling now and seriously consider a big life change (in other words, end it).

The reason your BF's contact with his kids stopped has nothing to do with no longer paying CS. My ex never, ever paid a cent and still saw our DS. No court will stop contact because the non-resident parent isn't paying child support. And no parent can stop the other parent from seeing their child, even if CS is not being paid.
Only in extreme circumstances is child support court ordered. Almost always, it is not court ordered. The idea is that a decent parent just supports their child/children, end of. In America, where I am from, it is enforced by the courts. Not here though.

My ex never paid a penny towards our son. But he had orders galore to have contact with him. By the time he hit his pre-teens, DS stopped seeing his dad regularly and now in his teens, he's seen him a handful of times in the past 4 years.

Your boyfriend has made a conscious decision not to see his kids anymore. Nobody has stopped him. Though, I wonder if he isn't coping with them having a step-dad and a new sibling. DS was 8 when I had DC2 with current DH and almost immediately, contact dropped off a cliff. Not that it was ever that great. But certainly my ex was less interested in his child after the age of 7. It's like, once they stop being cute and cuddly and are out of the 'daddy is my universe' place, these guys lose interest. Add a new family to that equation and these guys all but ghost their kids.

I'd be very reluctant to have kids with your boyfriend. He's showing you that he easily lets go of love and doesn't move heaven and earth for those he loves. He shows no loyalty towards two of the most important people in his life. This would bother me too much.

It's hard to face all of this in the midst of your heavy grief. But I find in life there are two times our third eye opens and we are given the gift of tremendous insight: childbirth and bereavement.
Honour what is being revealed and make a change for the better. You're pushing your BF away for a reason. Honour that reason.

OhioOhioOhio Wed 12-Jun-19 06:59:34

Your mum is exactly right.

Mightytired Wed 12-Jun-19 07:00:33

Massive red flag. Ex hardly there for dsd, and it's the same for our dc. He lacks any real empathy, and as it turns out I left him over DV.

hormonesorDHbeingadick Wed 12-Jun-19 07:03:38

Child maintenance has nothing to do with seeing his children. For years this man choose to not see or pay for his children. They were not even important enough to mention to you. If this is how he treats children how may he treat you?

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