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Can’t afford to pay me but can pay her

(70 Posts)
lisabarnett236 Fri 07-Jun-19 19:53:51

Hi everyone,

I don’t really know where to go for advice hoping someone on here can help. Me and my boyfriend have been together for the past year. He has two children aged 4 and 5. I didn’t really want to be with someone with kids as really wanted my own but they are a package and I love him. The problem is that he only works part time in his job 4 days a week and has the youngest child on a Friday all day. He can’t afford to contribute to any bills or food as he says he has no money. We have gone over his income and expenditure a few times and he only has around £80 left a month. I rent my house and he lives here full time and the kids one night a week. I’m starting to get a bit resentful that he lives here for free and doesn’t pay anything but has offered to give the kids mum extra maintenance when the youngest starts school in sep and he takes an extra day at work. This upset me a lot as he offered to give her more money but can’t give me anything.

Am I stupid to carry on ?

justasking111 Fri 07-Jun-19 19:57:31

What is he spending his money on that leaves him only £20 per week.

JohnLapsleyParlabane Fri 07-Jun-19 19:57:53

You have got yourself a cocklodger. Time to get rid .

Shelvesoutofbooks Fri 07-Jun-19 20:00:16

Cocklodger alert. Why would he work more and earn more if he can just live off your back and then use any of his money for himself. Get rid, if he loved you back he would be out there trying to pay his way!

SilverDapple Fri 07-Jun-19 20:01:26

He is taking the piss.

He can't be giving all but £80 to his ex? Where is the rest of it going?

slipperywhensparticus Fri 07-Jun-19 20:02:10

Nope and double nope he can piss off and support himself

Your only going to resent him otherwise

lexi873 Fri 07-Jun-19 20:04:13

You say in your OP that you’d rather date someone without kids so maybe you should ditch him and do that, his kids are always going to be his priority (and rightly so) and if you carry on in this relationship you’ll probably end up resenting them which isn’t fair.

Drum2018 Fri 07-Jun-19 20:04:36

Time to tell him to move out and move on.

lilianab236 Fri 07-Jun-19 20:05:28

I have gone through his expenses with him they are genuine he pays the kids maintenance and an expensive car along with insurance, credit card debts, phone contract and overdraft. He does give me money towards food occasionally but I don’t know how to raise the topic of money. I thought maybe asking him to only stay 3 nights a week until he is able to contribute to the bills.

CruellaFeinberg Fri 07-Jun-19 20:07:27

Definitely a cock lodger

Suggest he moves out as he is not willing to pay his way

AuntMarch Fri 07-Jun-19 20:08:02

Where was he living before? Tell him to go back there while he clears his debts.

SilverDapple Fri 07-Jun-19 20:09:08

Crazy having an expensive car if he can't afford any other bills confused

justasking111 Fri 07-Jun-19 20:15:01

He has debts oh joy... he is no good for you, chuck him out. If you cannot do that, do what my friend does and charge him rent as a lodger with a rent book. I think the top limit was £80 per week back then. Her partner had huge debts back then she nearly got shot but discovered the debts were caused by his mother.

AnneElliott Fri 07-Jun-19 20:28:50

Where was he living (for free) before he moved in with you?

ControversialFerret Fri 07-Jun-19 20:31:29

What's he spending his cash on? Assuming it's four full days then even at minimum wage he should be taking home just shy of £900 per month.

It's not a lot, but where the hell is he spending £800 odd every month to only have £80 left - bearing in mind he has no household bills because he's living rent free with you?

Chloemol Fri 07-Jun-19 20:35:42

You are being an idiot. He has debt, and expensive car and kids. And you are paying for him. So either he works full time, and sorts out other childcare for the Friday, or gets an extra job in the evening for the days he does work, gets rid of the car, sorts out a debt repayment scheme with those he owes and starts paying his way with rent food bills etc, or cheaper needs to go and become someone else’s problem

AliceRR Fri 07-Jun-19 20:37:46

You say in your OP that you’d rather date someone without kids so maybe you should ditch him and do that, his kids are always going to be his priority (and rightly so) and if you carry on in this relationship you’ll probably end up resenting them which isn’t fair.

You could be right but that is another issue.

She isn’t resenting him because he has kids. It’s because he’s not paying his way.

Ylvamoon Fri 07-Jun-19 20:38:08

expensive car along with insurance, credit card debts, phone contract and overdraft.

I think it's time for him to 're organize his finances and live within he's means.
Personally I'd get rid he is using you.

Redwinestillfine Fri 07-Jun-19 20:38:20

Well he can get rid of the car for a start or replace with a banger, no need for a phone contract either. He shouldn't have either of those if he has credit card debt. That should save some money to pay you rent.

AliceRR Fri 07-Jun-19 20:40:26

If he wants to pay extra child maintenance while you pay all the bills you are effectively subbing him and his children. He doesn’t need an “expensive” car if he can’t even afford the household bills.

You need to stand your ground. He does need to take more hours but he needs to be contributing to the home you both share as well as child maintenance. If you let him do this he will expect it to continue.

justthecat Fri 07-Jun-19 20:41:30

Tell him you can’t afford to support HIM .where did he live before ?

ChubbyCurryFan Fri 07-Jun-19 20:44:22

Get rid.

SuzieQ10 Fri 07-Jun-19 20:53:36

Am I stupid to carry on ?

Sounds exhausting. Do you really want to be tied down to all of this? Get out while you still can, enjoy your life and freedom until someone wonderful comes along.

stanski Fri 07-Jun-19 21:53:07

That would be a deal breaker for me. Where was he living before

BollocksToBrexit Fri 07-Jun-19 21:53:48

How much debt does he have?

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