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Anybody else gone off having their own after step kids.

(23 Posts)
floodypuddle Mon 03-Jun-19 13:03:03

My dsd's are lovely girls, well behaved etc and I do love them but I just find childcare so unbelievably boring. I spend 75% of their weekends with us clock watching. I try filling the time doing interesting things with them etc but it doesn't help that much.

I've recently started to think that I really don't want to have a child I have to look after 24/7 and i had always assumed that I really wanted my own. Now when my dp mentions it I can feel absolute panic rising and I know he's really keen.

Did anyone else feel like this? Did you go ahead and have your own anyway and was it better than expected?

OP’s posts: |
WhoKnewBeefStew Mon 03-Jun-19 13:05:03

I haven’t had sc, however parenting is boring as hell the vast majority of the time. You just happen to really love them grin

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 03-Jun-19 13:19:26

I have two DSC and a small baby. Looking after the baby is a piece of piss in comparison to my DSC, and I’m pretty lucky that they’re lovely to spend time with and DH is a great parent, no Disney bollocks at all.

I’m sure the balance will change as she gets older, my DSC will get more independent and we’ll be dealing with a toddler, then a preschooler etc, but whatever challenges we face with her it’ll only be DH and me dealing with them and we won’t have another adult involved. We’ll manage our own time and no one else will be make plans for her, discipline will be consistent (we parent in harmony when the DSC are here), food, bedtimes etc will be up to the two of us and there will be one set of rules.

The upside of step parenting is that you get a chance to see the sort of parent your partner is. No guarantees they’ll be the same with any you have together - for good or bad - but you’ll go into it with your eyes open.

Magda72 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:37:29

What @WhoKnewBeefStew says. Parenting is tiring, can be boring & it robs you of a significant part of 'You'. It is also stressful and rarely worry free. BUT, because they're yours the sacrifices are worth it smile & you get an amazing bond & lots of love in return.
Unless you're someone who loves kids generally (& those people do exist) then other people's children (inc. scs) can become very, very tiresome.
I'm not a naturally maternal person & I find spending time with kids/teens I've nothing in common with unbelievably boring no matter how nice they are.
I think you'd feel very different about your own op, however you'll then be juggling the dynamics of blending which is a whole other 'delight'! 🙄

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 03-Jun-19 13:39:59

Honestly. The difference is stark with your own. I do for ds out of love, yes it frustrating and boring sometimes but he is beautiful and I made him.
I don't have the same bond with the dsc., they are nice and already ahve a mom/dad

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 03-Jun-19 14:25:58

How old are your DSC OP? I think that makes a difference. Also what age gap there’d be between them and one of your own if you had one.

floodypuddle Mon 03-Jun-19 14:35:23

They are 4 and 6. I think the blending bit scares me too as atm dps ex controls so much of our lives, trying to fit my own child around her whims seems impossible.

OP’s posts: |
Foxmuffin Mon 03-Jun-19 15:46:11

I felt like you. I found care for my SC pretty mundane. Now I have my own DC and I think it’s cute even when he farts (he’s a baby), I know MN won’t like this but you feel completely different about your own and actually it’s improved my relationship with DSD greatly. We all went swimming as a family and I loved it where I only did those things before to keep DH happy.

HollowTalk Mon 03-Jun-19 15:48:47

There's a world of difference between looking after your own child and looking after someone else's. If his ex is getting in the way now, that will ramp up if you have a child.

QueenOfIce Mon 03-Jun-19 16:40:29

Yep, my dsd has been the best form of contraception.

embarrassedbymyhouse Mon 03-Jun-19 17:54:39

I would say listen to your gut! There's no going back once you've had a kid and that's two decades of your life nearly which will entirely revolve around them. Coming from someone who stopped at one grin

juneau Mon 03-Jun-19 17:58:20

You can't compare having your own baby with looking after someone else's. However, having babies and small DC can be very dull and if you'll have the added ball-ache of a difficult ex and two SC to factor in I can understand your reticence. We're all different, but I much prefer being a mum to older DC. When they were young I found the endless drudgery of childcare utterly mind-numbing.

Magda72 Mon 03-Jun-19 18:20:16

@juneau I totally agree. I think it's really taboo for (some) women to voice that they find having small kids, or kids of any age, really hard work & often quite dull.
I also think when you start off you really don't realise just how long you'll be parenting for - 2 decades as a pp said.
I love my kids beyond measure & I love my dp beyond measure but we made a decision to never have kids together & one of the main reasons was the carry on of his ex & dc.
I would also add that even though I get on reasonably well with my exh & his dw, I have found coparenting remarkably hard & really quite stressful. I get many days where I feel like my life is never going to be my own again it's so dictated by my kids, their relationship with their df, his work & other demands, & don't even get me started on dp's exw! 🙄

NorthernSpirit Mon 03-Jun-19 18:40:33

I’m a DSM to 2 - now 10 & 14.

Never particularly maternal and having looked after the DSC I have no intentions of ever having kids of my own.

Their mum is extremely difficult and has made any form of parenting towards the kids extremely difficult. It would be intolerable bringing our own child into the situation - her bar shit level would go to Deathcon 10

floodypuddle Mon 03-Jun-19 18:51:45

I think I know I don't want to but I'm so worried I'll become regretful and resentful once the window is closed I'm a bit paralysed in telling my dp no, it won't happen.

He's desperate for more kids too, had even talked about adopting so he'll be really disappointed that I've changed my mind.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Mon 03-Jun-19 19:15:37

If you’ve changed your mind and he doesn’t know you really have to be honest with him and soon. It’s not fair on him to think he might have more children with you when you know now it’s off the cards. Give him a chance to find someone who shares his dreams and you can find someone who wants what you want.

Scorpiovenus Fri 12-Jul-19 16:23:10

Yea I admit it put me off tbh.

I am glad we only see kids once a week for a few hours, I seriously don't have it in me lol

Mumtobeagain1 Sat 13-Jul-19 23:18:01

Stepchildren are totally different to your own, dont let it put you off!!
I hate dislike other peoples children but absolutely adore my own haha. But have a deep think about your stepkids being apart of your life forever, thats what i find hard.

QueenAnneBoleyn Sun 14-Jul-19 22:32:06

What Mumtobeagain1 said. Hit the nail on the head! grin

raspberryk Tue 16-Jul-19 00:44:50

To be honest my own kids put me off kids so I don't blame you grin At least with SC you can send them home. Having your own is relentless.
If your dh is so desperate then he can be the main caregiver, sacrifice his career and money etc, see how he fancies it that way round.

zerosanity Mon 22-Jul-19 11:43:11

100%. Wanted kids and was looking forward to having one soon (I'm 22) but having spent the last 8 weeks with my partners two sons I never ever want kids. And I feel like I'm stuck with 2 now but I'm so bloody close to leaving and having to terminate my relationship with my partner because of them 😭

zerosanity Mon 22-Jul-19 11:43:31

8 months sorry*

therearenogoodusernamesleft Mon 22-Jul-19 11:59:38

Yes, it completely and utterly put me off having kids and being around kids. I ended the relationship but it hasn't changed my feeling about kids.

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