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Really peed off

(100 Posts)
Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 11:06:02

Havent had my partners son over to stay for a while as hes been off the rails on drugs not going to school etc. Since the age of 13 / 14. Hes now 16. A bit better and partner asked if he could stay tomorrow night as his mum is going away. Normally my partner would go and stay with son at his parents but as they are not very well understandably they cant help this time. I've reluctantly agreed but partner keeps saying his son doesnt want to stay. I think it's tough really and son is a child so should do as hes told. I dont want him here either as hes not respectful. Partner said other option is for him to stay at ex wife's with son. At first I thought this could be an option but really I think it would make me feel a bit odd so I said his son is welcome to stay here but needs to do as hes told. Now my partner has just said his son doesnt want to stay and also his ex wife daughter with another bloke was staying with a friend but the friend let her down so his ex wife asked if he could look after her too. I just thinks that's called giving an inch and taking a mile. It's hard enough for me to see my partner with his kids when I dont have and would like children. Not only that, yesterday I saw him with a work colleague who had brought her baby with her to a team meeting and they were walking side by side with her pushing thr baby in a buggy. Now he wants not only his children to stay but thinks its ok to ask about his ex partners kids as well. I just feel upset that he even thinks it's ok to ask considering I would like my own family and we have previously lost a baby.

Doyoumind Sat 01-Jun-19 11:12:29

Your DP's son is part of his life and was before you came along. YABU to have a problem with him trying to see his son. His son has a half sibling. It's not ideal but it's a nice gesture for him to agree to look after her.

Those children, and your DP's colleague are not responsible for you not having a child of your own. Your attitude is harmful to you and you need to find a way to deal with it. Have you had therapy regarding your loss?

batvixen123 Sat 01-Jun-19 11:16:05

I think YABU. Of course he has to look after his son. That's his priority, and he can't opt out of that because you are struggling with your feelings about kids, and I actually think if relations with his ex are ok, it's pretty reasonable of him to help out with his son's half sister. It sends a good message to both kids that there are adults, they are reliable and a team and have each other's backs which sounds like exactly the message that is needed right now.

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 11:23:15

I have said his son is welcome to stay. It's a nice gesture for him to look after his ex wife child but it's not really fair to ask or to put me in that situation. They aren't what I would call mature ex partners or a good team. She texts him all the time. I cant believe you think I am being unreasonable. Ex partners cang have the life and privileges of a married couple when they are divorced and have new partners to consider as well.

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 11:25:21

Are there any step mums in my situation who can relate because the above 2 posters seem to be in the wrong forum. Think they need the section for ex wifes who think they can have a United family whilst being divorced

Oswin Sat 01-Jun-19 11:28:00

Well you don't want him there. You said that. So no wonder he doesn't want to come.

Oswin Sat 01-Jun-19 11:28:44

Why hasn't his son stayed at his father's home for so long?

ILoveMaxiBondi Sat 01-Jun-19 11:30:47

He really needs to go and watch them at his ex wife’s house. Whether you’re uncomfortable about it or not. Your home isnt appropriae because while you say SS is welcome to stay, it’s very clear he isn’t and that is not a place he should be forced to stay. So they need to stay at his mothers house and your DH needs to go there and be with him. You don’t get to say you’re uncomfortable with one option and then pissed off with the alternative. You’re coming across as controlling.

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 11:42:35

Are you for real

Oswin Sat 01-Jun-19 11:44:45

This is his child. Why hasn't he been staying at his father's house.
You say he's welcome but you also say you don't want him there.

ILoveMaxiBondi Sat 01-Jun-19 11:54:41

Me? Absolutely.

You don’t want his son in your house, so he can’t be at your house.

You don’t want DH going to his exwifes house, so he can’t see his son there.

Result: your DH can’t see his son. That’s your wants dictating that your his can’t see his own son. That’s controlling.

You have a problem with your husband walking beside a buggy FFS! You need to deal with your issues.

Doyoumind Sat 01-Jun-19 11:55:29

But what would be an ideal solution? It sounds like for you it would be for him not to see his son at all because you don't really want him at yours and you don't want DP to go to his son. You do really need to get to grips with your feelings because I can see how this would drive a wedge between you. You didn't answer my question about therapy. It sounds like it might be useful as you have a lot of emotion going on.

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 11:57:11

Did you not read my first post. It says in the first line that he has been off the rails on drugs...weed...smoking...hanging out with wrong crowd....not coming home at night when hes supposed to....not eating at the same time around the table...jumping over the garden fence...being a teenager but with a few more problems. If you are a stepmom you cant tell me you would be happy with him staying in your home

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 11:58:28

You need to get a grip maxibondi

Oswin Sat 01-Jun-19 12:00:20

So it's not your dps home?

ILoveMaxiBondi Sat 01-Jun-19 12:01:16

I think it’s you who needs the grip. Massively.

His behaviour might be appalling, why should that prevent your DH going to stay with him at his mothers house?

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 12:02:48

I have his daughter to stay because she is respectful. I've said his son can stay so I dont see how I'm being unreasonable. I cant honestly believe that anyone here thinks it's reasonable for the ex wife to ask him to look after her child as well. I dont mind either option of him going to see his son there or son staying here but if you read my post the most annoying thing is she wanted him to stay at her house and look after her daughter (with a different bloke) as well. Can no one here in a stepparenting forum understand how that is quite hard for a childless stepmom or are u all deluded robots

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 12:03:44

Whose mothers house. Who would want their partner staying at there ex wifes house. You would be happy with that would u

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 12:05:03

It's our home together oswin. I've put up with his kids at my partners house he owned solely. Now we own a house together so I do have more of a say what I accept in my house

ILoveMaxiBondi Sat 01-Jun-19 12:06:28

I've said his son can stay so I dont see how I'm being unreasonable.

But you don’t want him there. That poses through in your posts here and will ooze from you in person when he is there. He shouldn’t have to put up with that just to see his father, especially when there is an alternative. Why won’t you allow your DH to see his son at his ex wifes house?

I dont mind either option of him going to see his son there or son staying here

Of course you do. You said it all in your Op.

ILoveMaxiBondi Sat 01-Jun-19 12:07:36

Who would want their partner staying at there ex wifes house. You would be happy with that would u

1) she is not there- so what the problem?

2) you don’t want the kid at your house.

You can’t have it both ways.

2019user44 Sat 01-Jun-19 12:08:57

You are in a difficult position op. This child and he is still a child needs his dad. Even more so if he ia having problems with the wrong crowd drugd etc. Having children means being 110% commitment. It's very difficult being a step parent because you have to realise that and let some stuff go. I realise that him staying at his exes is far from ideal from your perspective but it does sound like his son feels unwelcome in your house and I suspect if you look hard enough you will realise you've had a part to play in that. It does seem like you might need some help with not being able to have children of your own but this is not the fault of this child or the colleague with a baby and you may push your partner away if you carry on like this. Let your partner go and be a dad to his son, welcome him home graciously afterwards, take positive steps to rebuild your relationship with your steo son. If you have children and they were in his position, I am sure you would want their father to be committed to them.

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 12:09:30

A 16 year old should be able to supervise a younger sibling anyway. I know I could be responsible at that age so it's a reflection of teenagers and their namby pamby parents today if you cant bring your child up to be respectful and responsible by that age

batvixen123 Sat 01-Jun-19 12:09:35

Honestly, he sounds like a teen. Unless there is a massive drip feed that involves him being brought home in a police car or something, all I'm hearing is that he's experimented with dope (which I bet more than half the women on this forum have at some point), he's been a bit cheeky, missed curfew, missed family dinner and 'jumped the garden fence' (!). And for this he's been banned from seeing his dad for however long? YABVVU.

Agreed with other posters. DH should go and stay with the kids at his ex's house and OP needs some support with her issues around children. For what it's worth, I'm not a first wife. I have a stepmother and I also have stepchildren and I would never dream of stopping my DH seeing his DD (who can also be a pain!)

Isolatedsm Sat 01-Jun-19 12:11:38

I wasnt ruling that out completely anyway Maxine but it would be a little odd. And do you not think it's a bit unreasonable for her to ask? It's nice that hes kind enough to consider but a shame hes not kind enough to realise this hurts my feelings as I would like a child of my own and he knows that. It's a bit insensitive I think

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