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How much contact from ex is too much?

(19 Posts)
Londongirl07 Wed 29-May-19 20:44:33

Maybe it’s me but I’m getting absolutely tired of my partners ex constantly on the other end of the phone...

She would call my partner past 9pm at night regarding something irrelevant...or she would text again about something irrelevant.

I told my partner I’ve had enough of it; I want a night in without her always being around!

For example texting on a Sunday at 9pm asking if he had bought tights for the kid...it’s late on Sunday where would she expect him to buy it? Why couldn’t she text at a respectful hour, not in the evening when she knows full well he’s having his time, she’s no longer his wife to be calling or texting at any hour she feels (unless it’s emergency). She even once called to tell him about a surprise party she was throwing for a friend and he said I’m not interested!

It got to the point where me and my partner was arguing and he had to tell her don’t call me in the evenings or text me unless it is an emergency. She got it for a couple months but now she’s starting again with irrelevant text messages at night that could’ve waiting until the morning.

I am starting to think she calls or texts to try and get conversation from him as yesterday she text him something at 10pm which she already text the day before during the day.

A month ago she text him at about 10pm sending him a video of the kids when they were babies!? That I found a bit too much as if to make him remember the past...he didn’t respond to her and he said to me she could’ve sent that to the kids phone and the kids could’ve sent that to me if they wanted, don’t know why she’s doing that.

She has a partner (apparently for 2 years) yet no one has met him, not even her family and apparently she only sees him once a week so I’m starting to think she’s just lonely!

She’s not a nice person and I’m not just saying that because she is the ex...she’s always used the children as a weapon towards him, she doesn’t let him have the kids more than twice a week unless it’s for her convenience. She’s not doing it because she wants to be on good terms with him, I just feel she’s doing it to be a wind up or she’s just genuinely thick lol has anyone else experience this and how did you cope, I’m trying to not let it get to me but sometimes it’s too much! And I don’t want to argue with my partner it’s not his fault but I’m like a storm in a tea cup at times lol!

Pipandmum Wed 29-May-19 20:48:22

She sounds lonely, new partner or not. Put your foot down say no calls from the ex after 6pm or on weekends unless it’s an emergency. He could turn his phone off, or just not answer them.

Londongirl07 Wed 29-May-19 20:58:43

now after 7pm he will not answer her calls or text messages. He has told her unless it is an emergency don’t call or text me and I think she didn’t like that and said oh fine I won’t call or text at all.

Gets me angry because she thinks she has the authority to do so. One point she called he didn’t answer then she text him and said can you call me and he said is it an emergency and she said don’t worry I’ll call your mum then and she called his mum and said in a sarcastic tone “he said it’s inappropriate for me to be calling him or texting him in the evenings” and guess what it was for to have the kids for her convenience

It’s winding me up and I shouldn’t take it out on him, he has told her but she’s just not getting through that thick head

twirlypoo Wed 29-May-19 21:08:19

Bloody hell. I can’t work this out - Ds dad and I have busy lives, it’s 9:05 now and I’ve just sat down and thought “shit, I’ll send him the photos from today” (Ds was in a sports club) he sent me a message at 11pm last night about his dad being poorly. Neither of us is bothered if the other replies / doesn’t reply straight away, but some times life just works out that way that you are communicating at odd times.

Perhaps you need to relax and let it go? By making rules you are setting yourself up to be angry and giving her power as she now knows it’s bothers you. Don’t let it destroy your relationship with your partner! He wants you, not her, so her and her messages shouldn’t affect your life.

In interests of full disclosure, Ds dad and I have been seperated a bloody long time now and there’s no angst between us —currently—

Londongirl07 Wed 29-May-19 21:21:30

Twirlypoo (lol love the name) that’s all well and good and I can understand about being busy etc however we know full well she has time during the day.

It’s the irrelevant stuff she’s called or text about which gets me. If it’s something important then fine but to text at 9pm on A Sunday about tights it just seems like she’s looking for convo. If he doesn’t answer he during the day because he’s busy with something she will call non stop 2-3 times until he does!

I can’t remember every little thing she’s called or text about but it is 99% of the time irrelevant and my partner has said so himself which is why he’s stopped answering but I’m an Ex wife to someone and I have respect for their relationship where I won’t call him or text him past a certain hour as he’s with his partner and living his life (unless it is an emergency). That’s just how I see things. If something needs to be said it can be said during the day - my ex is not at my beck and call and vice versa.

MichelleC69 Wed 29-May-19 21:50:00

My ex did that for a long time, and still does sometimes. It's like he wants to be in my life. If he starts pissing me off I just block him.

Are the kids old enough for him to just communicate about essential stuff via them? That's what I've resorted to. I shouldn't need to speak to him at all now that DD is 16.

Londongirl07 Wed 29-May-19 21:56:15

Kids have their own phones and Ipads to contact their dad. She’s even now got the point of making the kids call him at 10 in the evening to ask him things cos she knows he won’t answer to her. One was asking him if he could take them to school because in their words “they’d really like it if he could” which I know is Something those poor kids would never say! My partner couldn’t because of work but then saw them the next evening and asked them what that call was about and they admitted their mum made them do it. She’s driving me insane finding ways around it like loopholes 😂😂 even when the kids are in their late teens to 20’s she will be the type to still call or text I can see it now 😩

town Wed 12-Jun-19 18:08:59

im also having a hard time grasping my partners mindset in regards to his sons mother. they only dated off and on for about 2 years and apparently had a volatile relationship. she got pregnant by him which he found out afterwards as she came back to him as her parents were not happy about her being pregnant so he housed her to help her out and when she got a place of her own she managed to get another partner who she married and had a baby with also . meanwhile maintaining contact with my partner for coparenting . which to be honest is not the issue i have.
my issue is when i first met him yes he told me he has a son from a previous relationship which is fine as i have children of my own from a previous marriage. but he constantly was putting her and her family down to me . however a year went past and we was getting on great until we decided it would be good for him to move into my home . thats when i started to see the reality of the situation.
he would be secretive with his phone .wouldnt talk about where hes been . or how hes got on at his sons .
he would go there around 11am i wouldnt see him until almost 11pm. most weekends . his sons birthdays he would go round and have a party with them all . i would not be included ,
nor have any indications i would ever be included or even acknowledged to be honest. at least thats how it felt and seemed.
christmas days consist of him leaving home 10am and he would come home around 8pm bag of presents from his son (presumably) same with fathers day . bag of presents. which usually wouldnt be an issue but when he showed me they was buying him clothes,shoes,jackets,underwear. toiletries. all branded items as a partner you tend to think alarm bells . but because i happened to be uncomfortable with not just what was brought but the amount it must cost considering he only pays 200 a month maintenance for his son. and the items theyre buying would well exceed that amount . needless to say im the one with the problem and shes like a sister to him apparently. and her husband is like a best friend. yet i seem to be just someone to come home to . i cant plan anything with him just in case hes busy with his son or work . he has been invited by my family to events and family things but he has never been to any because hes always busy . the amount of arguments it has caused ive really lost count. ive even asked him to leave because to be honest ive had enough of it all . i have health issues im dealing with at the moment (by myself) because he spends more time out than at home . but he refuses to leave me . i rent from a housing association .and to be honest i am worried about what he will do because in arguments we have had hes told me the police will need to remove him .he does drink . and we have had alot of arguments with this . not so much now because he seems to want to hang out with all his friends moreso now. its got the stage where he doesnt even bother texting me anything anymore. and i dont text him either. because i dont need the hassle. he says he hasnt got anywhere else to go yet he has stayed out at his mates house a few times so i know he could stay somewhere else. i just think he thinks hes in control of the situation.to be frank. sorry about the long essay just trying to fit it all in while venting at same time

SandyY2K Wed 12-Jun-19 21:11:32

The thing in life is that you don't have control over other people's behaviour...only how you react to it.

Your DP ignores her it seems...try and follow his lead.

@town

Yours is definitely a DP problem.

he constantly was putting her and her family down to me

he would be secretive with his phone wouldnt talk about where hes been. or how hes got on at his sons .
he would go there around 11am i wouldnt see him until almost 11pm. most weekends .

Along with the expensive gifts he comes back with, it doesn't sound like their relationship is over tbh.

Its your house, it's not your problem if he has nowhere to go. He's in control because you allow him to be. It comes across very obviously that he's using you.

Get rid of him and focus on your health.

Anuta77 Wed 12-Jun-19 23:57:59

Why are you fighting with your partner if he doesn't seem interested and he's not responsible for her behaviour? I fought with my partner because he happily talks to his exes, but they don't contact him exaggeratedly either, otherwise I would have left.

In your case, your partner is on your side. Whatever internal problem she has that makes her want to contact your partner non stop, it's not related to you. It belongs to her. So if you concentrate on your relationship, not on what she does, you'll be happier and it will stop bothering you.

T2705 Thu 13-Jun-19 10:11:57

DP's ex does this, although her preferred times to call about something irrelevant is first thing in the morning (particularly on my day off or if DP has worked until midnight the night before) or at dinner time! Its like she has a sensor to know the minute he sits down to eat!

He never lets her know that she has irritated him though as he says that is what she wants and I have to admit she does call a lot less now than she did this time last year. It used to really bug me. We went away overnight once and she rang before 7am in the morning and then kept ringing back for pointless reasons and got the kids to join in too. Between her and the DC he had about 30 calls by lunchtime. It did spoil the trip, we ended up coming home early.

We have also learnt that we can predict how well her lovelife is going by the amount of contact he gets! If shes got any kind of love interest the contact drops off almost completely (which is lovely). When she doesn't have anyone interesting to talk to or see then it raises back up again.

Its really hard not to be annoyed by it but don't give her the satisfaction and hopefully she will get bored of doing it.

Jess7cw Sun 16-Jun-19 11:09:26

OP I agree with what the others are saying, it sounds super annoying and I know sort of what it’s like from a previous relationship but unfortunately the only thing you can control is your reaction. She’s looking for a reaction from you so don’t give her the satisfaction, trust your partner that he’s not interested and follow his lead. Hopefully she’ll get bored.

@town you need to get rid lovely, does he help with bills etc? I’m sorry but he is using you for a place to live. My ex wouldn’t let me split up with him for a very long time because he’d guilt trip me saying he had no where to go... but he did his family/friends would not have seen him homeless and that’s exactly what happened he moved into his mums in the end! Be strong x

Anuta77 Sun 16-Jun-19 15:22:50

A while ago, I posted on a different forum asking advice because I was feeling uncomfortable that my ex was having a great relationship with the exes (while they were not so nice with me, but not mean either). I mean gifts for birthdays and father/mother days, talking about things unrelated to children, including personal problems, etc. Well, I got slammed for being a "jealous cow", that for once there's a man (my DP) who's decent and who "respects" the mother of his children.

While SM's on here concede that the exes shouldn't be more present other than limited contact about the kids, I guess the answers on the other board came from frustrated ex wives who would have loved to get attention from ex husbands. It depends on which side of the fence you are LOL.

Londongirl07 Sat 29-Jun-19 09:39:36

@Anuta77 😂😂😂😂😂 you hit the nail on the head....

Sad timings have happened for my partner where his father passed away last week and his ex is acting up even more! Calling him to see if he’s ok all the time, asking if he wants her to bring him food, calling his parents her mother in law and father in law...they’ve been divorced 3 years separated 5...I understand you can call and offer your condolences not an issue but to carry on and try barge her way in to my partners parents house to try and cook whilst the family are grieving is another...the joys lol (my partner and his family cannot stand her)

She’s being too over bearing and my partners mother is getting very angry now.

Scorpiovenus Wed 10-Jul-19 15:36:43

I think personally

he enjoys it.. or lost his balls one or the other.

Catclock Fri 19-Jul-19 20:29:16

It's intrusive and you don't have to put up with it. Keep putting your foot down and talking about it with your partner.
Hopefully you can both ignore her.

unicornsandtractors Fri 26-Jul-19 12:38:22

My DHs ex used to do this ALOT. He kept reminding her not to text him and he was really very rude in the end .It upset her and the apple cart but it did the trick. She has never sent photos or videos though, but if she had, my DH would definitely have dealt with it.

I think your husband needs to put his foot down and tell her to do one. Perhaps keep his phone off? Block her number during those hours? We did that a few times in the end. She was livid but she got the message.

QueenCoconut Fri 26-Jul-19 23:50:13

OP was she quite a dependant wife when they were together?
It almost sounds like she’s looking for attention , perhaps not even in a romantic way if you know what I mean?
The kind of woman who treats her ex husband as if they were still together without the physical relationship.

Londongirl07 Thu 01-Aug-19 12:49:40

Hi all

Sorry it’s been a busy few weeks

From what I know she wasn’t a dependant ex wife she was always out and about and left my partner to do the household things after he finished work and have the kids after school. She was never around, always found an excuse to be out for work (Baring in mind she was self employed - she could work hours around the kids but chose not to).

I think it is for a bit of attention really, from what I hear her relationship now isn’t going very well...her loss though, she didn’t want my partner back then so he moved on. But yeah seems like attention as she’s not getting it from her current partner. She really needs to realise she’s no longer married to my partner she doesn’t have those privileges anymore.

Now and again she will try and call him he doesn’t answer, or she will try to make a petty conversation when he collects the kids but he just doesn’t pay her any mind.

I’ve actually seen how doolally she is these past few weeks and it’s stopped bothering me and I finally feel calm lol!!! if anything my partner is now the one seething at her and her behaviour and has resulted in complete silent treatment.

If she was a nicer person there wouldn’t be issues but from day one of me and my partner being together she caused nothing but problems for us and just trying anything to make an argument, god knows why? I wasn’t the other woman, I never said a bad word, I kept myself to myself and did not get involved with the children till at least 6-7 months in the relationship.

Some women hey...lol

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