Struggling with Surprise Step-Child

[maynard86]

I am not sure if this is the place to share this or not, but I feel like I need to let it all out and seek advice.

It is important to give you some back story. My dad passed away in 2014 which had a major effect on my life, obviously. I went through some serious depression and still have major anxiety as a result. It was after his death I decided to take more chances and live for myself. So, in 2015 I met a guy while on vacation in Mexico. It was magical. He was from Wisconsin in the USA and I from Pennsylvania. We hit it off and did the long distance thing for a couple months. Well, I got pregnant (even though I was on birth control) after three months of knowing him. I was not thrilled to say the least as it was clearly not the most ideal situation. We decided to have the baby and we would figure it out. I had a rough first tri-mester as I was across the country from him carrying a baby I was not thrilled about. When I went to go visit him for Christmas break, he informed me he had to tell me something. He began sobbing and informed me that a girl he had a one night stand with a year ago contacted him to inform him she had a baby and it was his. He had taken a paternity test to prove it. He also admitted to me that he had known in October but waited to tell me in December to ensure I was past the point for an abortion. I was floored and felt trapped. I flew back home to Pa and had a rough rest of my pregnancy with thoughts of him in Wisconson meeting his new baby as I am carrying his baby. It was rough for both of us. However, we decided to go forth and raise our child together.

He moved to Pennysylvania a month before our baby was due. He had worked out a situation with the mother of his other baby. I truly can say that I had to ignore the thoughts of that other baby while being pregnant to keep my stress down. My doctors recommended anxiety meds but I did not want to risk taking them. Our baby was born in July, 2016. She is the light of my life.

Our daughter will be 3 this July. We have often visited Wisconsin during which we see his other little girl as his parents take care of her every other weekend. They also bring her here a lot. It had taken me a while, but I was starting to finally feel better about the situation as it was a lot to take in and wrap my head around. We talked about how eventually the little girl would come stay with us over summers when she was old enough and we would consistently make trips and his family here to keep up the visitation. He was paying child support this whole time as well, and it was like we had everything finally worked out. I was in a happy spot, finally, whereas a year ago my therapist informed me he thought I had PTSD due to so many traumatic events in my life.

Well, just yesterday I was informed that the mother of the daughter in Wisconsin is possibly doing heroin and his parents are filing for temporary custody. This has me FLOORED again because it seems to me that eventually she would need to move in with us, and that is something that I am not mentally prepared for. I know it sounds selfish, but I am not only worried about our family situation. I am worried that this little girl who is being taken from her mother will then come across the country to live with us with none of the family she grew up with will end up having some major resentment and other issues. I feel helpless and do not know what to do. Sorry for such the long post. I needed to vent. I hope you do not think I am being selfish as I do not want this little girl to be in a bad situation. However, I worry that bringing her here will also have a negative effect on her and just don't know what is best.

[overdrive]

Okay, that's a lot you've had to deal with, I don't disagree.

However, he's her dad. If she can't be with her mum, he needs to step up. I'd imagine her dad choosing NOT to take her will have a far more negative impact than if he does.

She's still little, she will adapt well with the right support.

[Deathgrip]

He also admitted to me that he had known in October but waited to tell me in December to ensure I was past the point for an abortion

He admitted this, and you stayed with him? How dare he? I am absolutely stunned by how manipulative he is.

Having said that, this child is as much his daughter as yours. They are a similar age - your child has her father in her life all the time, this other child has a very unstable situation with a mother with addiction issues and a father she barely sees in comparison. You need to have more compassion for this innocent child.

Yes, of course it’s difficult. Yes, he absolutely lied to you but you didn’t have to stay in a relationship with him or have him move to where you lived. Your child could have had only occasional contact with her father just like his other child, but clearly that’s not what you wanted for your own child.

This is your child’s sibling, your step-child and she absolutely needs the parent who is is functioning well right now. It may not be forever, but you knew about this child when you continued with the relationship. If you’re not happy with this child being part of your life then your only option is to end the relationship.

Does he want to be a proper father to this child? I would not think well of him if he didn’t!

[RainbowWaffles]

Wow, that is an incredibly difficult situation to find yourself in and I can see why you are concerned. The harsh reality is that this child as every bit as much of your DP’s child as your DD is. If the mum is a heroin addict, the sooner the child is out of there and in a stable home with her dad, the less issues she is likely to have. I can see why you might not want to raise another child as if it’s your own but the DSD needs to live with her dad. You either embrace this, get involved and take responsibility for her or separate from your DP to allow him to. The downside of the last option is it will mean your DD comes from a broken home and sees her father less.

It’s a shitty and tough situation to be in. It’s not fair and I don’t envy you. Life is a bugger sometimes. If you choose to take on the DSD, you may be surprised by how much your own DD comes to love her like a real live in sister and that is likely to help you love her in turn too.

[Snappedandfarted2019]

I agree with the other posters you still chosen to stay with him. It's not up to his parents to parent his child whilst his parents his other with you,? Imagine how that would make her feel? He needs to step up an be there for both girls equally.

[Teddybear45]

He needs to step up and take her in. If he doesn’t even try then he’s a shit dad and you should leave him — your daughter’s happiness should never come at the expense of her sister’s.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

I think you need to be the bigger person and find a way to welcome this little girl.
If you can't you need to seperate so that she can live with her Dad and not have to share her home with someone who resents her so much.
I would consider exploring this in counselling.

[HeckyPeck]

I think it would be way too much for your partner’s daughter to come and live with you at the moment. She’s never even stayed at your house whereas she stays at your partner’s parents house every other weekend. Imagine the upheaval for her to be taken away from her mum and her other care givers, moved across the country to people she doesn’t know very well.

It might be a long term plan, but it would need building up to with visits then overnight stays etc (although I’d think your partner upping the frequency of visits would be better to start with as his daughter will have had so much disruption and confusion) Presumably Child Services/the courts would be involved to look at what would be best for her.

Long term it may be that she comes to live with your partner, but you’re not obligated to stay with him. I’m not saying you should leave, but that it is an option and sometimes just knowing that you can leave can help you feel less trapped.

[pikapikachu]

In an ideal world I think that you guys would move to Wisconsin (near the grandparents) so that you could gradually include his dd into family life. Would that be possible? If the grandparents are willing then you'd be able to maintain that important bond for sd.

You're not unreasonable if you decide that being a full-time stepmum is too hard (although I am incredulous that you didn't take the baby and run when you found out that he manipulated you so you wouldn't abort)