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Am I being too emotional(46 Posts)
So I’ve been seeing my partner now for over 2 years, he is very much involved in my 2 children’s lives and they adore him, he stays over practically everyday but when he has his children he goes back home as simply there isn’t enough room for all 4 kids here...so when he has his kids we don’t see him...not a big deal for me for the time being as as we are not in a position to be moving at this moment in time.
Anyway, I see his children maybe 2 to 3 times in the month when he brings them over so the kids can play together etc. Now this is the part I need to know am I being emotional, unreasonable any advice would be great.
Over the summer holidays I need to work a few days and I know for a fact he will he off at least 1 day of the week during the summer term to be with his kids, I asked him to help me out with having mine for the few hours I’m at work (as my kids father is useless with helping) so I can gain some extra money and he seemed a little reluctant. He said you expect me to have the kids for 3 days in a row and I said no just help me with one day at least and then he said you’ll just ask week after week and I said yeah just for the summer holidays that is all!
He said maybe ask your family to help out etc...what I wanted him to say was I’ll try help you out when I can but he only said that when I had to say I didn’t like the way he would throw it on my family first, I said to him he is my partner I should be be able to rely on him when push comes to shove. I’m not asking him to take days off as I would never do that but if i know he will be home I would’ve expected him to help me as I would do the same. His excuse is also that it’ll be too much to have all 4 kids...they’re between the ages of 6-11 so not babies.
I just feel as if he’s not in it 100% to make us work as a family should, I would do it for him no questions asked or any issues.
I’m not trying to force him to be a father to my children, but I see it as if we are in it for the long run we have to treat the children equally and do things as a family would be it looking after kids so one can go to work etc.
I am just feeling as if he’s not ready to take this responsibility on of being with someone with children and blending our families to make it “real” if you get what I mean and it’s hurting because it’s been now over 2 years we are together so I didn’t expect this.
Any advice would be great I need to vent to someone as I have no one to speak to as I’m too embarrassed
Personally I think the point in which step parents become expected to care for their step children on their own when they don't really want to is normally the point in which the relationship goes to sh1t. I agree with him in that your family should be the first port of call if you're stuck for childcare. It's one thing him being around them and getting on well when you all spend time together but it brings a whole new dynamic when he's expected to provide childcare for you/them.
I agree with him.
You’ve only been together 2 years and yet you’re asking him to take in childcare responsibilities.
If this was the other way round (and a dad was asking a step mum to provide childcare everyone would be up in arms about him being totally unreasonable and you aren’t free childcare resource).
I’ve been a DSM for over 4.5 years and lived with the kids dad for 2. I don’t do childcare. To be frank, they aren’t my kids and they have 2 very capable parents already (don’t get me wrong happy to help out here and there).
You sound very reliant on someone you have been with for only 2 years.
So you're asking him to use the time he's taken to off to spend with his children to provide childcare for yours? And your just gonna let him know as and when from week to week?
I can see why he's reluctant. It totally changes the dynamics and means he can't really plan activities with just him and his children because he won't know what days you're wanting him to provide childcare for you.
I know you say the reason you're asking him to provide childcare is because your kids dad is useless with helping, your ex not being involved much with his children shouldn't mean that your partner is pressured to take in the bits their Dad it's out of.
If he were living with you and his children stayed with you then that would be one thing but it sounds like he's at his own place with his own children so you're asking him to do this means he's limited to what he can do with his own children if he's having your children too.
I am engaged to my partner and been together 4 years and I still wouldn’t ask this of him unless it was an emergency, likewise he wouldn’t ask me to have his that regularly.
We love each other’s kids and obviously do help out with childcare for each other but only if the other person offers first. And I would not expect it of him and certainly not 6 weeks running.
He is not their parent, he is not even their stepdad and he’s right that having 4 kids under 11 will be a strain... especially if he doesn’t want to do it.
The only times I’ve ever felt resentful in a relationship is when I’ve been forced, coerced or been expected to do something I don’t want to do. He doesn’t want to be regular childcare for your children and he is entitled to say no.
I think your upset is misdirected to be honest. Why isn’t their actual dad (or his family) helping out? It’s them I would be focusing on
He said maybe ask your family to help out etc...what I wanted him to say was I’ll try help you out when I can but he only said that when I had to say I didn’t like the way he would throw it on my family first, I said to him he is my partner I should be be able to rely on him when push comes to shove.
I think he was entirely reasonable with his suggestion. Family first, boyfriend at least second. I'm sure his time with his own kids is very valuable to him. It doesn't sound like he's been in any way rude in how he has responded. However, you sound quite manipulative if I'm honest.
@Londongirl07 I don't think you're being as unreasonable as others have said you are. But I think you and he are on two very different wavelengths regarding your relationship & your expectations of it.
I can understand from your pov if your dp is more or less living with you & interacting with your kids on a day to day basis that both you and your kids may have some feeling of dp being 'family', & the natural progression & assumption of that is if you ask for help he would do his best to help you.
However I also see his pov - he is taking time off to see his kids during the summer & does not want that compromised. To this end he does not really see you as 'family' the way you see him as 'family'. I think you & he need to sit down and have a really honest chat about how you see this relationship playing out because if you do ever move in together your expectations around the children/discipline/childcare etc. will have to be very clear for both of you.
One further point; I think it's quite unfair on you and your kids for him to stay over with you most of the time (basically live with you) without clarifying your relationship expectations, as it is giving your kids, who are quite young, a false sense of his position in their lives.
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable - you're just both looking on the relationship in different ways.
For what it's worth my dp lives with me & my kids but 'decamps' to see his own who live in a different town. It took me & my kids a while to get used to this coming and going but all our kids are teens so it's much easier to explain the complexities of blended families to them, and my kids see their df, sm & half siblings a lot so they are very clear on what role dp has in their lives. Dp never does child care for me on his time with his kids & I wouldn't ask him as I'm aware he sees his less than I see mine. However, unlike your situation, my exh & his dw will step in if I am very stuck & when the kids were younger had paid help for years as I didn't want to be dependent on exh being available - kids are older now so can walk/take public transport etc. My exh was VERY flaky for a few years after we spilt & couldn't be relied upon to stick to an arrangement (he's way better now) & so while it hurt financially, having paid childcare removed so much stress from my life that it was worth every penny & sacrifice.
He is taking time of to be with his own children. Would you take time off to care for his? Would you postpone holiday plans made for your own kids to care for his kids? It should be a two way street but it doesn't sound like it by your posts.
Sorry but I'm also with him. I have a very similar set up where we both have dcs but don't live together. When we both have our children we might spend some together for a day out sometimes but don't all stay together all the time. We aren't a family. He's my boyfriend, I'm his girlfriend and the children are friends not step siblings.
I take time off in the holidays to be with my children and he does the same for his. Any additional childcare needs are met by the children's parents or family, not each other. I guess the difference is we are happy like this, you don't sound like you are.
I agree with him. He's really just your boyfriend. You don't live together or share finances or any domestic issues together.
It's not his fault your DC have a useless dad. Your children are your responsibility.
Having 4 kids of that age for the day is hard work. He could have stuff planned for his kids and yours being there changes the dynamic.
I suspect he doesn't need your help with his kids because their DM is very present. His kids have 2 involved parents, yours only have 1.
I'll repeat what I said upthread. I really do think this guy needs to take some responsibility for the that that he does basically live with the op when he doesn't have his kids! Everyone is saying they don't live together but op says he is there most of the time with her & her kids! - that's kinda living together. It may not be intentional on his part but he is giving her a false sense of how the relationship is developing, & if he is there most of the time it means she & her kids have opened up their home & their lives to him but he has not had to do similar.
I'd have said no too if I was him, it's fine in an emergency eg you are sick or stuck once in a blue moon but not as regular school holiday childcare.
I don’t think he’s unreasonable. But can you imagine the uproar on here if a stepmum posted saying she doesn’t want to look after her stepkids because she wants to spend time with her own kids.
I live with my dp.. But I'm not free childcare. 4 children instead of one at all different ages is a lot of extra work.
In his case 4 not 2 is the same a lot of extra work.
Well I don't agree with him, especially with the comment about 'ask your family' after two years isn't he your family? If he spends that much time with your kids regardless of the fact that he lives there then I think he's being a little unfair.
My DP lives with me, he has his DC 50/50 and so they live here. In holidays when I have to work and he's got the day off, he takes on my kids too, it's no big deal and I would do the same for him. (And we've only lived together for a short while by the way). We share the childcare where we can, just as if we were a 'proper' family.
To be fair it isn’t even about helping out... he sees your children “practically everyday” so I’m assuming he only sees his own every other weekend and maybe a night in the week? So about 8 nights a month?
If he’s then taking 1 day a week over the summer holidays to spend with his kids I can see why he’d be reluctant to want to have yours there too. That’s only 6 days extra and I wouldn’t want to have to then split my time again with children who weren’t mine.
It’s really difficult not to make your own children feel pushed out by your partner’s kids... you only have to read the threads on here about kids feeling second best to a parent’s “new family” or step siblings.
after two years isn't he your family?
No he’s her boyfriend 2 years is hardly anything in a blended situation. He’s not their dad.
@funinthesun19 I think that’s usually because their own children are the SCs siblings, which makes it a totally different situation.
I don’t think any SM would get flamed for wanting to spend time with her own kids who weren’t her DP’s, when there’s no familial link it does change it.
I think that’s usually because their own children are the SCs siblings, which makes it a totally different situation.
I don’t see how it’s different really. The stepparent in both situations is going to want to spend time with just their own children at some point. I actually think it’s really important to have that time. I have always enjoyed a mixture of both time with all of the children including the dsc, and time with just my own children.
I would swap childcare in the holidays with a friend I've known less than 2 years so I don't see how asking him is any different. Unless his own time with his own kids is very limited. But if they're just hanging out at home I don't see why yours couldn't join him if everyone likes each other well enough.
I guess if the shoe was on the other foot would you look after his?
Do you ever do the reverse? How many hours are you out of the house for?
I think you are too emotional. Just practically the kids don't know each other. That would make it really hard work. Totally changes the dynamic in a way he wasn't expecting and his kids would probably be really thrown by their dad's relationship with your kids. I think no is a reasonable answer from him.
I think you’re being fair enough; there are loads of step mums on here who do exactly the same things for the partner and I’ve done similar to help him out. I would think it was good for the kids to get to know each other better too if you’re in a serious relationship