SC's mum's baby has been taken by social services. Advice please!

(20 Posts)
HerondaleDucks Thu 16-May-19 07:27:39

Dh exw has finally been taken to court and the baby with her current partner has been taken on the grounds that the partner is DV and dangerous and that it is felt as she maintains this relationship she is at risk and cannot keep the baby safe.
Exw has now had 3 children removed from her care including my 2 sc.
Please advise how I support my dsd as she now has a sister she will never be able to have a relationship with as the child has been adopted.
I'm doing my best but any tips would be useful?

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IslaMann Thu 16-May-19 08:26:34

I'm afraid that by law once a child is adopted all family rights are negated. It'll be up to the babies new family to maintain previous sibling relationships if they wish to.

LIZS Thu 16-May-19 08:31:16

It may be possible to maintain some contact between the siblings, has your Dh spoken to the sw involved in the case. Sadly I suspect there may be other babies to come.

HogMother Thu 16-May-19 08:36:10

I’m no expert, but if the baby is now adopted, she wouldn’t have been removed some time ago. How has it been dealt with so far? Did the sisters have any sort of relationship if some already live with you?

Mummaofmytribe Thu 16-May-19 08:36:14

How awful. Have you asked social services for advice? There may be counselling recommended for a child in your DSD's position. I guess a lot would be determined by her age and level of awareness. It sounds horrible and you sound like a lovely SM which can only be a good thing for the poor kid. Good luck

Singlenotsingle Thu 16-May-19 08:41:00

My dp's dgc was adopted, but after it went to court. The judge stipulated that the new adoptive parents should allow a certain minimal amount of contact with the birth family. It is considered beneficial to the child to know it's background.

SoHotADragonRetired Thu 16-May-19 08:46:22

Wait. So what are the timelines here? The baby has just been removed, or just been adopted? If an adoption has gone through then this happened some considerable time ago and surely you have been in touch with the relevant SWs already.


PinkDandelions Thu 16-May-19 08:46:55

If baby has only just been removed social worker will have to further assess parents and any family members who want to put themselves forward before a court would agree to place baby for adoption - baby would usually live with foster carers during that time.

I would suggest you contact baby's social worker and ask about contact for siblings - likelihood would be letterbox if baby is to be adopted, where a letter, some drawings from children etc could be exchanged each year. They may consider face to face contact a few times a year - I know of adopted children who continue to have face to face contact with half siblings living in their birth families or foster care - but it would need to be assessed whether there was a risk of birth mum getting the baby's details/location etc out of your step children and whether that places them all at risk.

If baby has already been placed for adoption you might find it useful to post this in the adoption boards for some input from adoptive parents on maintaining contact.

HerondaleDucks Thu 16-May-19 09:03:38

Oh dear I didn't put enough context in my OP.
Basically since the baby's birth mum and baby have been in a mother and baby placement. They assessed her and a month after the birth I contacted the social worker for the baby to ask about how to go about contact for the children and this child. It was recommended that it would not be appropriate for contact to happen until they had assessed exw. They did at that time ask me and my dh whether we would be happy to foster the baby as we had two half siblings. However we felt this was inappropriate for a number of reasons, my dss has severe learning disabilities, the partner is very abusive and we knew we would be open to abuse by fostering and facilitating contact (which we already do for the children atm) and tbh I already care for two of her children with all the love in my heart, but they are my dh's children and the plan is that if we are ever in a good position for a baby... in our family... it would be mine.
Anyway to cut a long story short, no one wanted to foster the child from their family or were deemed inappropriate. She has continued to maintain a relationship with this man regardless of sw telling her that this would cost her her new child. So they assessed and took her to court in April and now finally the child is about to be adopted.

My dsd has had no contact and social worker said they would not allow me relationships. We get all our information from my dss social worker.

So really I was just after advice on how to emotionally support as we've been told she can meet this child once and then never again. I will look into whether letterbox contact is possible though so thank you very much for that tip!!

OP’s posts: |
Splodgetastic Thu 16-May-19 09:10:56

That’s such a sad situation and I can only commend you, OP, for what you are doing. I was going to suggest speaking to the social worker(s) about letterbox contact too.

HJWT Thu 16-May-19 09:21:16

When my DN was on path for adoption we was told 1 letter and picture a year between siblings and that was all would be allowed, my DM decided to take him so didn't get there x

HerondaleDucks Thu 16-May-19 09:22:38

My dsd is 13 so this is hitting her quite hard. There's a lot of awareness there and she's pretty angry at her mum.

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HerondaleDucks Thu 16-May-19 09:24:30

I often feel really guilty that I didn't say yes. I feel sorry for that baby all the time. But hopefully being adopted she has a very good chance of having a solid childhood and happy life.

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Spanglyprincess1 Thu 16-May-19 15:14:55

Your doing the best you can and baby is getting a fresh start, a proper one. Don't feel bad.
Maybe counselling for dsd?

HerondaleDucks Thu 16-May-19 15:54:20

I have asked the school multiple times. But now we are married my requests might have some more weight. I will email them again to ask for it.
Unfortunately my dss social worker is fairly partisan and will not request support for my dsd that's unrelated to her brother. If that makes sense.

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ShannonRockallMalin Thu 16-May-19 16:02:37

A friend of mine adopted a sibling group, who had older siblings still in the foster care system. I don't know how it was organised, but my friend did take them to meet ups with their siblings once or twice a year for the first few years after she adopted them. It seemed to peter out once they reached adolescence, I think it got a bit awkward for both sides, but it obviously is possible to keep contact in some cases.

Firefliess Fri 17-May-19 07:44:38

My ex has a 7 year old and a rocky relationship with his DW, who is from another country. There have been times when it's looked as if they will split up (he even told the kids they were doing so). This would likely have meant her returning to her home country and my kids never really seeing their half brother again. I've tried to help them deal with this by listening to vote they feel about it, and being honest about the fact that maintaining contact would be unlikely if she moved back. I've also tried when possible to emphasise their ties to each other and to our side of the family (I have a DH and they have step siblings) I tend to refer to their dad's younger child as their half brother, not their brother.

Your DSD doesn't actually know the (half?) sibling who's to be adopted. But she's losing an imagined sibling relationship, which may be sad for her. She's old enough to understand though that the baby will be better off being adopted by parents who probably can't have a child of their own who will love it and give it a much better life than her mum can. I think it's important to try not to project any guilt you're feeling about not taking the child onto her. Your reasons sound completely sensible and best for the baby.

user1493413286 Sun 19-May-19 15:04:27

Have you contacted PAC UK? I would look up any of the support agencies for birth parents of adopted children and ask for advice for your situation?
If letterbox contact is allowed then I would highly recommend starting that. All of those arrangements will be being put in place now; if your DSS social worker isn’t helping then contact the adoption team directly and make a fuss until someone takes notice. A lot of adoptive parents are very keen for sibling contact but won’t know how to do it without the local authority telling them.
Sadly it’s the children left behind who are often emotionally harmed by adoption.

IronManisnotDead Sun 19-May-19 22:27:06

@HerondaleDucks if your are prepared to have another child with your DH why can you not foster this little one until then?
It's fostering not adoption, and at least then your DSC will get to see their sibling.

HerondaleDucks Sun 19-May-19 23:04:23

Thanks for all the great advice. I will definitely look at PAC UK. I made contact with the baby's social worker last week to ask about letterbox contact and how to go about it. But haven't heard back yet.

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