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His kids moving in..but I’m the one sacrificing my dreams?

(300 Posts)
Bookaholic73 Tue 07-May-19 14:06:21

I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, living together for 2 years.
I have 2 teenagers (19 and 15) and he has 2 younger kids (8 and 10).

I’ve been a Carer for my disabled 19 year old for the past 5 years, focussing on getting him ready and a bit more ‘able’ so that I can go and fulfil my lifelong dream of going to university to train as a midwife.

My fiancées children are asking to move in with us. I’m fine with that, they’re lovely kids and we always have fun.

So myself and my fiancée were discussing the practical elements of it, and it became incredibly apparent that he expects me to do the school runs, all of the childcare for his kids, while he works full time.

Was I wrong in telling him that there is no way I’m putting off my dreams for another 5 years (minimum) so that I can stay at home with his kids?
I told him that if he wants childcare for his kids, he can either quit his job to care for them, or find suitable childcare.

OP’s posts: |
octonoughtcake3 Tue 07-May-19 14:08:31

His kids, then his responsibility.

AliceRR Tue 07-May-19 14:10:04


Why does he expect this?

DobbysLeftSock Tue 07-May-19 14:10:33

You are in the right. Get this sorted NOW, before he moves in. Don't agree to it 'just for the first few months' or you will be stuck.

pallisers Tue 07-May-19 14:11:19

of course you are not unreasonable.

GlossyTaco Tue 07-May-19 14:11:32

He needs to find breakfast/after school clubs for his children. And save his annual leave for their school holidays.

Quartz2208 Tue 07-May-19 14:11:37

no you were not wrong

Firstly what are the circumstances with their mother - it is odd its full time

and also no he should be I would question living with him now

Mayalready Tue 07-May-19 14:12:10

Spell out you won't be available for child care as you will be a uni.....

Bookaholic73 Tue 07-May-19 14:12:30

@octonoughtcake that’s pretty much what I said. I’ve been preparing my kids (specifically my disabled son) and myself for me going to uni for the past 5 years. Why should I be the one to sacrifice what I want?

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait.

OP’s posts: |
WoahMySocksAreOnFire Tue 07-May-19 14:12:41

What shock He can fuck off.
Why do they want to move away from their mum?
If he wants them there full time then he needs to make provisions for them. If I’m honest I’d be reluctant because I suspect if he’s expecting you to do all the practical stuff you’ll also end up parenting them fully. He’ll be getting you to do all their washing, cooking, ironing etc next.
If you don’t want to do it then don’t. It’s as simple as that.

Ninkaninus Tue 07-May-19 14:13:35


I’d not be staying with him.

Sorry OP flowers.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 07-May-19 14:13:50

Whoa. Is he having a laugh? This doesn't bode well for your future. At all.

WoahMySocksAreOnFire Tue 07-May-19 14:14:25

When I said this to him, he said that it was the only option, and that I’ll just have to wait
Nope. Nope. Nope.

I would be saying “if you want them here then you look after them or feel free to move into your own home with them.

AliceRR Tue 07-May-19 14:14:29

I think you need to make it v clear before they move in that you intend to go to study / work and you will not be looking after them. He clearly wants to have his cake and eat it but if he wants his kids full time he needs to provide childcare (not you)

WoahMySocksAreOnFire Tue 07-May-19 14:15:01

Please please please don’t sacrifice your dreams of a career to look after someone else’s children

SolitudeAtAltitude Tue 07-May-19 14:15:20

Is he 100% financially supporting you and your kids?

Bookaholic73 Tue 07-May-19 14:15:43

dobbysleftsock he is already living with me, it’s the kids that don’t (yet).

Quartz the mother has never really been close to her kids, she has always palmed them off on her own mum, sister, cousins etc. I think the kids are understandably fed up and want to live with us.

OP’s posts: |
Mayalready Tue 07-May-19 14:15:52

Having fun hasn't prepared you for living together. He is a massive cf imo.

hsegfiugseskufh Tue 07-May-19 14:16:24

nope. don't do it!

if he wants his kids to move in then he sorts childcare, not you.

HollowTalk Tue 07-May-19 14:16:44

I am shocked!

And does their mum know they are going to move in?

Whose house is it? If it's yours I'd tell him to fuck off out of there.

WoahMySocksAreOnFire Tue 07-May-19 14:16:49

Who’s house is it?

DobbysLeftSock Tue 07-May-19 14:18:14

Ah sorry, misread.

He sounds like an entitled, sexist twat. I would be seriously rethinking this one if I were you, OP.

Bookworm4 Tue 07-May-19 14:18:19

you can wait
You tell him to enjoy his wait for another mug to raise his kids!
Do not give up your uni place, if he doesn't like it I suggest he finds a new house for him and his kids.

GinUp Tue 07-May-19 14:18:48

the mother has never really been close to her kids, she has always palmed them off on her own mum, sister, cousins etc.

And now their dad is planning on palming them off on you.

Bookaholic73 Tue 07-May-19 14:20:29

Thanks everyone, I’m glad I am not being told I’m unreasonable!

Woah The house is mine.

HollowTalk yes their mum knows and doesn’t care, apart from asking if she could keep child benefits. That explains the extent to which she cares about them in general.

Solitude no he doesn’t. I work from home part time, so he does earn more than me, but not 100% supporting us.

OP’s posts: |

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