Hi, I really need some advice, I’m not really sure what to do!
I’ll give a bit of background but I’ll try and keep it short.
Been with DH for 19 years, married for 15, have 2 children age 13 and 9.
When I met DH I knew he had a 3 year old DD. He saw her regularly and even I met her.
He decided to move few hundred miles away to be with me, was still in touch with DD we both spoke to her on the phone. We arranged for her to stay with us and when he went to collect her her mum never turned up with her, cut off her phone and moved. Never heard from them again. Fast forward 19 years and through the power of Facebook she’s back in our lives and now a 22 year old woman with a child of her own and another on the way.
DH was very shocked to learn he was a grandad, we had to tell our kids everything too.
It was DH’s sister that found her and instead of telling him she proceeded to make contact first and friend her on Facebook.
First of all I felt annoyed with SIL as we had to rush in to tell the kids (mainly before eldest saw anything on Facebook) DH DD wanted contact so DH sent her a message which I helped with, then they were messaging constantly, every day. He would come home from work and be glued to his phone. It was like I’d helped him take the first steps and then was surplus to requirements.
Then he wanted to meet her ASAP (SIL also wanted to meet her but he wanted to before her so it was just me and him that went) he didn’t want me to meet her he wanted to do it by himself which was totally fine but that then left me walking around for 5 hours while he was with her. I met her in the end because she asked to.
Anyway, the thing is, before we met her I saw the messages he was sending and I thought things were going to fast, he was saying he loved her etc. This felt a bit weird to me but I guess I’m not in his shoes. Also, he was arranging days and times to go without discussing it with me and then he wouldn’t let me read the messages anymore. After we had met her we said that we would go again with our kids. Again he’s been messaging her arranging things without discussing them with me first. I feel totally pushed out which he denies he’s doing. He wants me involved and to be a grandmother type figure to her children but doesn’t seem to want to share any conversations or anything with me. In my head she was always a 3 year old girl and now she’s rocked up as a fully grown woman with her own kids and I feel that I’m just expected to go with it. It’s probably absolutely awful but I wish this wasn’t happening, my eldest hasn’t taken it well and I’m trying to be positive to help him too. It might sound mad but it feels like he’s got another woman!
He apologised for making arrangements the first time but has done it again and he apologised for saying I was unsupportive when that’s all I’ve been.
I know about messages as I’ve been reading them without him knowing which I hate doing but can’t seem to stop as he’s being so secretive.
Any advice on how I can move forward with this would be much appreciated.
Thanks
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Step-parenting
Life turned upside down by arrival of DH long lost daughter
122 replies
MadHouseMaster · 02/05/2019 18:57
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