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AIBU to feel like you can't bloody win

(16 Posts)
WhatTheHellIsGoingOnn Mon 29-Apr-19 19:07:33

I'm nothing but kind to my DHs daughter.Get on with her really well, have a good laugh together, make her feel welcome etc.

I also like to think I've never once over stepped a boundary with his exW either. Always very polite and friendly at drop off / pick up, never interfere or stick my nose in, or turn up at events or birthday parties etc.. (why would I?) And yet I still feel like I can't do anything right.

Weekend before last, DH had to run an errand and asked if I'd just watch his DD for an hour I said yes of course not thinking anything of it.

Now DH has received a load of abuse saying how dare he leave them with me, she is not my child, how exW doesn't even know me etc etc.

I feel like just giving up. I'm a good person, I've welcomed his children with open arms and been nothing but nice. I'm not trying to play mum, I've no interest in that and I've never done anything to suggest that either.

AIBU to think you just can't set a foot right sometimes? It's honestly put me off ever offering to help again. I don't want drama, I've done my bloody best to avoid it.

OP’s posts: |
NorthernSpirit Mon 29-Apr-19 20:42:21

Just need ignore her, by your OH responding to her (completely irrational rant) he is feeding her drama, control and fire.

The father can do what he wants on his time.

I’m presuming the mother doesn’t ‘ask for permission’ when she leaves the kids with people, childminders, friends? Does she seek approval? No.... and neither does he.

Don’t take it personally. I’ve not met the EW, but by association ‘mummy doesn’t like you’. Fine by me.... you can’t reason with crazy!

CheeseIsEverything Tue 30-Apr-19 17:23:51

Ignore ignore ignore

Firefliess Tue 30-Apr-19 19:21:56

He can leave in child with a babysitter or anyone he wants in the time she's in his care. And he should remind his ex of this. He doesn't get to vet her choices and she doesn't get to vet his.

user1493413286 Tue 30-Apr-19 19:41:49

I know the feeling but her mum can do whatever she wants and leave DSD with whoever she likes while DH has to tell her everything a

Beachbodynowayready Tue 30-Apr-19 19:44:02

Did the dd want to stay with you?

WhatTheHellIsGoingOnn Tue 30-Apr-19 20:38:13

So far as I know DD was happy to stay. DH asked if she wanted to go with Daddy or stay with WhatTheHell at home and she said stay.

We were just doing our usual stuff in the house, I didn't think it was a big deal!

OP’s posts: |
Anuta77 Tue 30-Apr-19 20:59:11

It's not because you've done something wrong, it's because she's jealous. Actually the fact that you're nice with her daughter probably makes it worse, because there's nothing to criticise.

I remember how when SD was 9.5, she didn't change panties after a shower in our place. Apparently she didn't wipe herself well and I suppose the exW saw it while putting it in the laundry. Obviously neither me nor my DP had any way of knowing it (I mean did she expect me to check her underwear?!). So she started this rant about how me, the "woman who lives with him" doesn't take care of her daughter. This was the only thing she could find about me as I took her care of her daughter the same way as I did of my son, while not overstepping my boundaries.
At that time, her personal life wasn't going very well...

Beachbodynowayready Tue 30-Apr-19 21:25:00

When I was a sm nowt went right in our house afa ex was concerned.
We got raged at for not asking to take dsd on our holiday. So we planned one. We couldn't take her as she hasn't ever taken her away and it wasn't fair!
Got her the same dolls etc for Xmas as my dd's, that wasn't good enough as they weren't branded ones!!
Smile and ignore op.
Obviously dsd likes you and that's all that's counts.

Rainbowknickers Tue 30-Apr-19 21:34:47

My partners ex wife is a nutcase-a real psycho about 6 months ago she threw the eldest out and she came to live with us-the youngest lives with her-well last time she came to see her dad he popped to the lav leaving her with me for all of two minutes ex wife found out and hit the roof (I mean was he meant to take her with him?shes 11!) I’d ignore-and behind her back just laugh he can leave her with who he likes on his time

Frankola Sun 12-May-19 21:49:08

Ignore. Tell your husband not to engage in any way. That is exactly what ex wants.

I wonder what she would be like if she needed childcare and you were the only person available? I bet she wouldn't be kicking off then.

Honestly, these kinds of women give mums a bad name.

Butterflyone1 Wed 15-May-19 16:56:29

Sadly us 'other women' can never do anything right!!

I am in the same position, whatever I do for the kiddies is always wrong. My advice is to try and accept this women is bitter and you have zero control over how she reacts. The sooner you realise that, the better it'll be for you and your relationship.

NorthernSpirit Wed 15-May-19 17:14:47

Agree with the above poster. My OH went on a SIPP course (the mother refuses to even though it’s court ordered and apparently no one can teach her anything about parenting).

The biggest thing he learnt was that you can not control their actions. You can only control how you react or feel.

Livedandlearned Wed 15-May-19 17:23:49

My sdd wore a dress to pop to her mum's house to get some presents one time. Her mum decided that I (the trollop!) had encouraged sdd to wear said dress. Me, who lives in jeans and met dh a year after they separated grin

poweroverme Wed 15-May-19 18:16:38

No you need to live your life around the ex, and her demands. Live you life waiting for her to let you see the dc, prove you've earned that chance and forever follow her words of wisdom. Or spend your life fighting for a second of the perfect child's time.
Hahahaha this is my dp ex's thought process.

The truth is that when plans change and we go out without the dc we still have a bloody great time as a family, just like when my dc's are with their dad and me and dp take the lo out to the farm. We want to all go out but life doesn't stop because some crazy lady thinks her wants are right.
At the moment, I've stepped back so dp can have one on one time because it's better for the dc ( ex has just had a baby and dc says he plays alone a lot so needs extra focus), but the ex thinks it will cause issues because she requested it, like I'm sad enough to feel left out.

You have to ignore the petty shit, have a little bitch and get on with life. It may not be what you want but you just make the most of the time you have.

cliffwalker Fri 17-May-19 07:02:25

She doesn't get to dictate what happens when her DD is in her father's care anymore than he gets to dictate what happens to his DD when she's in her mother's care.

Deep breaths. Onwards. flowers

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