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DSS's mum is demanding we meet.

(116 Posts)
Justwantaneasylifenowplease Thu 18-Apr-19 12:00:15

DSS 12
Married 4, together 10.
Very difficult relationship with DSS's mum. Great relationship with DSS. The mum is demanding we meet to discuss how we can be at 'better ease with each other' I'm refusing, as I'm not at ease with someone who has abused me for 10 years ? Is this ok to stand my ground and say no? DH wants us to meet as refusal he thinks will cause WW13. Thoughts?

AuntieCJ Thu 18-Apr-19 12:01:51

If she's been abusing you for years why on earth would you want to meet her? Your DH is daft.

NoBaggyPants Thu 18-Apr-19 12:02:25

If she's genuine, then she wants to build a better relationship with you for the benefit of her child.

If she's not, then you get to walk away knowing you tried.

I'd go.

mummmy2017 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:04:32

Meet in a pub, ifshe plays up there it will be witnessed,. By innocent parties.
Personally I would say yes, you seem to have nothing to lose in doing so.

cricketmum84 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:05:21

I'm with @NoBaggyPants on this.

Be the bigger and better person and go and meet her. If she is still nasty to you then you have won. If she is nice and genuinely wants to make amends then you have won.

It's worth an hour or so of unease if it will make DSS life easier and more harmonious!

Justwantaneasylifenowplease Thu 18-Apr-19 12:06:02

I agreed to meet her 6 months ago, the last conversation ended when she called me an infertile spoiled whore.

JenniferJareau Thu 18-Apr-19 12:07:52

It would be easier if you met and heard what she had to say although I perfectly understand why you'd probably do cartwheels around the front room if never had to deal with her directly again.

mummmy2017 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:10:31

I would still go, so long as she has never attacked you.
Say hello , not speak and just listen to what she wants to say, and make sure your DH is there. If she goes off on one, you will never have to do this again.

PlantPotParrot Thu 18-Apr-19 12:11:33

she cant demand anything. If you have been together 10 years, she doesn't need to meet you now.

AfterLaughter Thu 18-Apr-19 12:12:47

Fuck that noise. Absolutely not.

Laloup1 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:12:59

That’s very hostile. In your shoes I wouldn’t want to go either to be honest.

PlantPotParrot Thu 18-Apr-19 12:13:01

there is no way that I would grace anyone who spoke to me like that with my presence.

If she wants to "better ease" the situation, she can start by growing the fuck up and respecting you and what you want first cant she.

churchthecat Thu 18-Apr-19 12:15:46

"You called me an infertile whore. Of course I wont meet you."

Order654 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:15:48

Nope. No chance I’d meet in your shoes

cricketmum84 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:23:47

You never know, maybe she has had a spiritual epiphany and realised that the way she has behaved in the past is wrong?

I would still be the bigger person and go along.

cricketmum84 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:25:37

Either that or she wants something and knows she needs to get you and DH on side before she asks.

Bookworm4 Thu 18-Apr-19 12:27:57

Go and have your phone set to voice record and meet in public. The first insult or name walk away.

PlantPotParrot Thu 18-Apr-19 12:28:37

I still wouldn't go, spiritual epiphany or not.

you don't get to go back on saying things like that, and people like that don't change.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Thu 18-Apr-19 12:29:13

I think given what happened last time you met you’d be well within your rights to say no. However, if you do meet, make sure it’s in a public place, and ideally take a “neutral” person along as a witness.

ScreamScreamIceCream Thu 18-Apr-19 13:00:24

OP your partner is being completely unreasonable. If his ex has had an issue with you for 10 years and her behaviour has been that on which you could have easily got the police involved, then do not meet her.

Read up on stalking behaviour and you will understand that by not ignoring her you are both playing into her hands. She will keep up the harassment of you in particular if you meet her.

Your husband needs to have minimal contact with her - only as much as necessary to sort out child arrangements - and you need to have absolutely no contact with her at all.

Limpshade Thu 18-Apr-19 13:04:05

That's a tough one. My first instinct was to say there's no way you can maintain the moral high ground if you refuse to even meet with her, but then given what she's said to you, I'm not surprised you couldn't care less!

Would your DH be present? If you did go, it sounds like you would need an intermediary at the very least.

Kedgeree Thu 18-Apr-19 13:09:35

Not only would I not go to the meeting, I would also ignore the request to have it. Why give her the oxygen?

Magda72 Thu 18-Apr-19 13:14:22

A resolute no from me!
If she is genuine/had a spiritual epiphany she'd apologise for past behaviour via email or txt & then ask to meet to chat and clear the air.
In my mind being the better person in this particular situation means not engaging with her.
Dss is 12 - has experienced no history of you both having contact; is no longer a young child & doesn't need his dm & sm to be at better ease with each other, all he needs is civility which can be done from a distance.

NorthernSpirit Thu 18-Apr-19 13:33:24

An absolute no from me.

What an absolutely disgusting individual to have said those things to you.

Her ‘demanding’ to meet you is another attempt to exert her power / control. She only has these things if you allow it and feed her fire.

I’ve been with my OH over 5 years and known his kids for 4.5 years. There is no way I would ever meet the EW on her demands. She has to emotionally abused my now OH, used the children as weapons and is IMO an appalling individual. I don’t intend to ever give her the time of day.

SandyY2K Thu 18-Apr-19 13:45:19

the last conversation ended when she called me an infertile spoiled whore.

No chance I'd meet someone who said this to me. I might (in the interest of the child), but only if I had an apology for what she said in advance.

If I didn't think the apology sounded genuine, I wouldn't go.

I'd actually be more annoyed that your DH expects you to go, after the abuse you've gone through. It doesn't sound like he has your back.

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