Different access weekends to my my partner

[Lilyflower2000]

Hi

I have been with my partner for 2 years. We don't live together. We both have children. We both have our kids EOW but on different weekends, therefore meaning we never get a weekend without kids.
Our kids never get to spend time together because of this, and after 2 years they hardly know each other.
I feel like me and my partner also have had a fairly tough time getting to know each other as there is always a child around. I do get family to baby sit now and again but don't like to ask too much.
My partner doesn't really like to do things at the weekend with me and my kids if it's something his child might like too, as they would miss out. As you can imagine, this does mean that most of the time I'm doing things with my kids without him, and vice versa.
I have asked my ex if there is a possibility of swapping weekends, but as I expected, it was a no. This is fair enough as it is due to his work pattern.
I have asked my partner to see if his ex would be happy to swap their weekends but he has refused to ask her, as he says this may cause aggro and wants to keep the peace.
Does anyone have any ideas on how we can go forward? It is not ideal that we get no alone time, or that our kids never see each other (we do occasionally take our children for a bit on the weekend we don't have them to ensure they at least recognise each other lol, but that can't be a long term solution as it eats in to the ex's access time).

Thank you

[Banhaha]

I think he should at least ask her to see if she minds. Maybe don't say it's because he's seeing someone else though, perhaps there's a family event he'd like them to go to that falls on her weekend so that might be a natural time to swap. Obviously she might not want to swap or might have other commitments planned and it's between them really but I can't see why it would hurt for him to ask nicely.

[Firefliess]

Could your partner find some excuse based around holidays to get the routine switched round? Eg if one of them is away with the kids for a full week including two weekends they could end up alternating the weekends.

But I'd be a bit wary of whether your partner really does want to change things if he can't think of this for himself. Maybe he doesn't feel ready to introduce the kids just yet? Either that or he's being really pathetic in failing to even ask his ex for a small change.

Could your DP swap if you gave him loads of notice?

[Bluestitch]

Maybe he is happy with having EOW with just his kids and doesn't want to lose time with just them by having you/ your kids around. If I only saw my children fortnightly I wouldn't want to share that time tbh.

[Lilyflower2000]

Thanks for the replies.
He does see his child two evenings every week as well, and also for a couple of hours every Sunday morning (including on his non access weekend).
Our children have spent time together on a few occasions now, and we also took them all on holiday for a week together last year.
He has swapped his weekend a couple of times before but then they've worked it out so that it's fallen back to the regular weekends. His ex doesn't like to swap even if it's for a random event, so he doesn't usually ask her.
I just don't see how we're ever going to move forward with the way things are x

[Lilyflower2000]

Oh and I wasn't suggesting that if he did swap weekends me / my kids would intrude on his time with his kids, it would just be nice for all of us to do things together sometimes x

[tisonlymeagain]

I understand where you are coming from. We've managed to work ours so they are the same and honestly, I think it's so important for everyone. It has really given the children the best opportunity to bond with each other. It's pretty full on at times but it's brought them to a place where they're actually starting to behave like siblings which I think would have been harder if they never spent that time together. It doesn't mean they spend every waking minute together though, we all go off and do things separately. In addition, that one on one time with my DP is also invaluable to our own relationship.

[Lilyflower2000]

Thanks..
He does suggest days out for the kids quite often and when I remind him we have them on different weekends he says Oh yes, I didn't think about that... And yet he still won't even ask his ex if swapping is a possibility

[Ragwort]

Agree with Blue, if I only had my children every other weekend I wouldn’t want to spend that time with someone else and their children , and even more importantly, how would the children feel about having to play ‘happy families’ with another family? Surely you and your BF can just ‘date’ in the week?

[Banhaha]

What about school holidays? Is there a chance of them having some time together then? I totally get that it would be good for your children to get to know each other and not be like ships that pass in the night.

At the same time as others have said though it does make sense for them to not always have to share their dad's time with your children too. Tough one and I hope you find something that works for you all

[Lilyflower2000]

Yes I get what you're saying but as I said in an earlier post, he doesn't just see them every other weekend, and by no means would I force his children to spend every weekend they see their dad with me and my kids! It would just be so much easier if we could all do things together now and again rather than never seeing each other at all x

[SandyY2K]

If his Ex can be difficult, I understand why he doesn't want to ask her tbh.

[Lilyflower2000]

I've not really seen her be difficult in the 2 years we've been together, but he says she can be so who knows! X

[twinnywinny14]

It’s a tricky one I guess but ultimately if you are not having time together to build your relationship then ultimately there won’t be one left at some point. I appreciate his relationship with his children is important but so is his relationship with you too. I think you need to discuss this seriously with him. Like you say, if you both had all the kids then you could still go off with your own children like you do now, that really wouldn’t change but the main change would be the time you get to be together without the children at all.

[Lilyflower2000]

Thanks twinnywinny, that's exactly what I'm trying to get across! Nothing would change as far as him spending time with kids, just now and again all our kids could spend time together, plus me and my partner could get some much needed time alone too x

[stuffedpeppers]

Changing weekends for anyone can be a huge undertaking - not a small change as someone has suggested.

He can ask and if she says no - then it is where it is. If they have swapped and always gone back to usual routine -there is obviously a reason they do this. God forbid the EX may have a work routine / life etc

[RandomMess]

I think he's happy as things are, happy to "date" you not interested in setting up home together...

[Lilyflower2000]

His ex doesn't work, I'd never suggest him swapping weekends if it would affect something like that x

[Littlefish]

So, you basically have either his children or your children with you all the time. Um, isn't that just normal? If couples want time to themselves, they book a babysitter.

I can see that you might want to get all the children together from time to time, but if I was one of the children in your relationship, I think I would feel quite pissed off at never having time with just my parent, if the other children were always there at the same time.

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

If you both have your DC every other weekend then you both had midweek free to date each other. Why do your DC need to be involved in your dating life?

[Lilyflower2000]

As I said previously, I'm certainly not suggesting that if we had the same weekends then I would insist me or my kids spent every weekend I had them with my partner and his. It's important that everyone gets lots of time with their parent, my own included. I was asking for advice as to whether there was a solution that meant all our kids could spend some time together occasionally, as currently they spend absolutely none. And yes we do have 2 nights every week where he doesn't have his children, but I still have mine. I thought maybe seeing if he could swap his weekends would be an idea, as I know there is no specific reason he has the weekend he does, but clearly I was wrong x

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

Do the kids really want or need to be spending any time with stranger children? They probably have loads of friends and just want to chill on the weekends.

[Lilyflower2000]

I'm not a stranger to his kids? I've spent a fair amount of time with them. And again, I'm far from suggesting every weekend, just now and again as eventually me and my partner may end up living together x

[RandomMess]

It's up to your DP to change his weekend or contact times altogether but he won't try because it's not a priority to him.

[ILoveMaxiBondi]

I said stranger children. Your children and his children are practically strangers to each other. You say “may end up” living together like it’s something that just happens to people. You mean you may decide to live together. At which point you can then start integrating the children and making sure they all get on well. Until you decide to live with him there is really no need to involve your children in your love life. But really, you don’t have to live together at all while your children are still at home. That’s an option too.

[ChicCroissant]

But you don't do anything together on the Sunday morning he has his children, or the two nights a week? Why not use that time if the children want to meet up, why does it have to be the weekend? Do the children ask to meet up? I doubt it!