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I think DH favours DSS

(43 Posts)
MimiLoves Fri 05-Apr-19 10:06:30

Hi everyone
My DH and I have a 2 year old DD and he has a DSS who is 10 who stays with us every weekend and also a weeknight.
I don't know if it's me, but I feel like DH shows clear favouritism to DSS. He always makes sure to finish early when DSS is here to spend time with him, and prioritises then getting alone time every time he's here (and he is here quite a lot, just under 50/50).
He spent hundreds doing up DSS room a year ago and is now spending even more getting new furniture again as DSS wants a new bed. When we did up DD room he wanted second hand to save money.
He posts pics of DSS on fb and has him as his profile pic and on WhatsApp, never does that with DD.
I feel like he makes such little effort with DD compared to DSS and I really worry he loves DSS more. I only have one child so can't really understand how the love differs between children when you have more than one if that makes sense.
If I talk to him about it he gets angry and says it's because they are different ages.
Any advise?

OP’s posts: |
WhiteCat1704 Fri 05-Apr-19 10:45:46

Sorry, no advice but have you considered it might be gender bias? It's crap for your daughter if it it...some men prefer boys for whatever reason..it's massively hurtful towards daughters.

I would certainly not be happy if hundreds were spend on a room for one of the children but the second one was an afterthought..

hsegfiugseskufh Fri 05-Apr-19 10:49:43

I get it, and have been there but unfortunately no real advice to give.

with us, I think DP favoured DSS a bit because he didn't live with us (although later moved in for 2 years and left again but that's a whole different thread!) so he felt like on the days he had him they had to be "perfect" so more money would get spent on him, they'd do things we would ordinarily do, eat what DSS wanted to eat etc

I almost understand it but it doesn't make it right.

I think especially the room thing is out of order and I would have pulled him up on that to be honest.

ok so the age thing, he might not get to do the same activities with a 2yo that he can with an older child, but that has nothing to do with bedroom furniture etc does it, or the facebook posts etc.

BoxOfBabyCheeses Fri 05-Apr-19 11:28:21

It could be guilt. Your DD gets her dad for 100% of the time. His DS deserves to spend alone time with his dad.

If, when DSS is not there, your DH still treats your DD unfairly then you need to talk to him about this. Otherwise, can't you have some sympathy for the situation?

hsegfiugseskufh Fri 05-Apr-19 11:37:24

If, when DSS is not there, your DH still treats your DD unfairly

i'd say the bedroom situation and the facebook / pictures stuff is pretty unfair and that remains the same whether DSS is there or not?

Also, saying that she gets her dad for 100% of the time is inaccurate isn't it. Considering he most likely works, and she is 2 he will probably see her for what maybe 2 hours a day max? and then he is spending the weekends (I presume) with DSS on his own so?

Its really a fallacy that resident children get soooooo much more time with their parents, when usually, they don't!

sewingismyhobby Fri 05-Apr-19 11:44:14

I don't think you should assume too much here.
Your DD is only 2 so I can understand why he might prefer to spend more time with an older child.
I found the toddler years exceedingly boring, and I'm the mum.
I really couldn't do the 'playing' and make believe stuff and relied on playgroups at that age to help entertain him.
I much prefer to spend time with DS now he's almost 10 and we can do more together and have more interesting conversations and interactions.

hsegfiugseskufh Fri 05-Apr-19 11:49:12

I don't think its right to disengage with your child because you find them exceedingly boring though tbh.

SoupDragon Fri 05-Apr-19 12:01:56

Also, saying that she gets her dad for 100% of the time is inaccurate isn't it.

He sees her (and vice versa) every single day.

MimiLoves Fri 05-Apr-19 12:06:47

Thanks everyone for your replies.

DD doesn't get him 100% of the time. He gets in from work when she is in bed. The nights he finishes a little earlier he spends with DSS and likewise with weekends.

I don't think it's fair that because DD is younger, or lives in the same house, she should be treated less favourably? Surely she is equally entitled to spend the weekend with her dad?

I think it's a combination of taking DD for granted as they're in the same house and feeling guilt that he doesn't like with DSS. It just makes me feel really very uneasy that if it doesn't change soon DD will start to notice.

OP’s posts: |
MimiLoves Fri 05-Apr-19 12:07:27

Soup dragon, that really isn't the case. Most days he won't see her, due to working long hours in a demanding job.

OP’s posts: |
hsegfiugseskufh Fri 05-Apr-19 12:14:57

even if she sees him every day for lets say 1 hour, that's still less than the time he spends with DSS. That's ok though right because she lives with him?

living with someone means shite all if they don't spend any time with you or get home when you are asleep!

WhiteCat1704 Fri 05-Apr-19 12:16:33

Your DD is only 2 so I can understand why he might prefer to spend more time with an older child.

He might "prefer" it as it's easier but he shouldn't be doing it. Toddlers are exhausting and require a lot of attention. If he is using an older child as an excuse not to do his part with the younger it's inexcusable.
Also early years are MASSIVELY important for future development. First 7 years are formative but first 3 are setting her up for future attachment style..
And yes OP. She will notice and it will have an impact.

Him getting "angry" when you are trying to talk to him is a red flag.

Teddybear45 Fri 05-Apr-19 12:18:17

Have you talked to him about it? Tell him, quite clearly, that if you need to leave him for him to treat your dd equally then you will. He absolutely can’t get away with this when he’s 50-50 parenting.

Chocolateisfab Fri 05-Apr-19 12:18:57

Does he make sure to make time for dss to have with his dsis?
Sounds like he is so focused on dss not feeling left out he has mistakenly dumped dd!
Maybe you need a hobby that leaves him with both dc sometimes....

Sculpin Fri 05-Apr-19 12:32:40

I think YANBU. The examples you have given do sound unfair.

You need to keep pulling him up on it. I would focus on time spent together (as that's more important than FB pictures etc). Rather than saying "it's not fair", try to present it more positively and come up with ideas for him to spend time with DD.

Lindsey90 Fri 05-Apr-19 12:36:23

Totally agree

Lindsey90 Fri 05-Apr-19 12:41:52

At the end of the day ur DH needs to step back and realise he has 2 kids not 1. If his DSS is there alot then there is no reason why he feels like he needs to put in extra time when he can do it for your DD. The whole bedroom thing i would have told him no way! Not because ur petty or anything but because its not fair. If he wanted to use second hand stuff on ur daughter then second half stuff for the son as well. He doesnt like talking about it because he knows ur right. I would go out and start buying everything you wanted for ur little girls room and put the recipt where he can see it and tell him if he is gonna spend on him he will do the same for her! Plain and simple.

funinthesun19 Fri 05-Apr-19 13:04:26

It could be guilt. Your DD gets her dad for 100% of the time. His DS deserves to spend alone time with his dad.

I never get this when people say this as an excuse to treat child more favourably/less favourably.
1) If dad is working then the “resident” children lose out completely because by the time he has some time off he’s spending all his quality time with the other kids.

2) It’s as though if a child lives with dad 100% of the time, then they should be fucking grateful and understanding of the stupid adult reasonings to treat them less favourably.

MimiLoves Fri 05-Apr-19 13:11:56

Funinsun totally agree! Children of the "second family" are often overlooked because they reside in the same house, and actually quality time is rare as they are taken for granted. DD isn't going to understand why daddy spends more time with her brother than her, she'll just feel rejected.

OP’s posts: |
Littleraindrop15 Fri 05-Apr-19 13:15:37

Think à 10 year old might be more interactive than a 2year old and a I probably would buy second hand for a 2year old as the room would change quite often whereas at 10years old they enjoy their own space more.

I think you need to just speak with
Him and find out if there is anything more deeper and is favouritism, or it's just the age of the child.

funinthesun19 Fri 05-Apr-19 13:16:26

Its really a fallacy that resident children get soooooo much more time with their parents, when usually, they don't!

Agreed! It’s just a very lazy argument to try and back up why children from first families deserve more of everything. Bore off.

hsegfiugseskufh Fri 05-Apr-19 13:20:38

Think à 10 year old might be more interactive than a 2year old and a I probably would buy second hand for a 2year old as the room would change quite often whereas at 10years old they enjoy their own space more

a 2yos furniture is no different to anyone elses! I can see why you would buy a cot for example, second hand but a normal bed? normal wardrobe? don't get it.

also, again, you don't get to ignore toddlers because they don't interest you, that's just crap parenting.

Ginger1982 Fri 05-Apr-19 13:28:40

If you have DSS every weekend could you not suggest a bit of compromise where one weekend DH does something alone with him and the next weekend you do something as a family?

WhiteCat1704 Fri 05-Apr-19 15:26:17

Ginger1982 and when does he spend alone time with his daughter?

lifebegins50 Fri 05-Apr-19 16:17:46

I used to think it was guilt but I also suspect there could be competition with the other parent.
Could this be a factor?

It certainly is for a friends Ex who feels the need to provide "better" than resident parent.

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