Useless biomum

[Stepmummy2208]

Hi everyone.
I've been a step mum now since 2016 and although it's not very long by other half has full custody of his son so we have him full time. Mum is useless. We ensure little one goes to a grandparents every weekend to see the other side of the family yet half the time she doesn't bother seeing him. She messaged the other day saying it would have been nice to have a mother's Day card but didn't even bother going to see him on mother's Day!!! 😤
I'm reaching the end of my teacher with holding stuff in and ignoring her let downs. I've in no way tried to replace her bit because he loves with us naturally I've took on mum role in a bigger prospect. I don't allow him to call me mum.
But anyway back on track if I was to say something to her like get your **together would I be prodding a bear. I fully down for a right tbh because I've had enough but I don't want to be perceived as the bad one when she clearly is! To this day he's still not received his Christmas presents. We asked for a bit of maintenance £30a month (£1 a day) back in January purely to go into a savings account for him and she's not paid a single thing again to this day. Not has she provided uniform for school because we decided to keep her involved etc so we said she could take him shopping for shoes etc and still nothing.
What do I do? My other half would rather ignore it and bury his head a bit and it drives me insane

[grincheux]

Does she have any problems which might affect her relationship with her son? Addiction, mental health...?

[Palominoo]

I don't think it's your place to speak your grievance directly to her, no matter how justified as or could have serious repercussions in the future when the child is older.

You can however tell your partner that you get upset and angry and its his place to speak with her or not as he sees fit.

[Stepmummy2208]

She suffers with alot of mental health. Which I'm not going to lie I struggle to understand because to me there's no excuse to just leave him in limbo like she does. She could at least call or facetime and explain she's not coming.

I give up with him I really do he's always tip toeing around her. He lets her get away with it. I'm pretty sure he's hoping things will fizzle out between the son and her but im doubtful because he's letting her get away with it she's going to continue to do it

[grincheux]

How about instead of slating someone you know to have mental health problems on an online forum, you reach out and offer to help her? Saying you hope a relationship between a mother and son fizzles out is disgusting.

[Stepmummy2208]

How about instead of accusing me of being insensitive you hush we have offered many times we always send him to partners side on a weekend for her to see him,we've offered her days out with us and we've even said she can visit us some days after school. We told her about his first parents evening she did not attend and we also allow her to facetime him every teatime which she does once in a blue moon. Just because I say I don't understand it doesn't mean I have not tried to. I just meant to me and my friends a mother wants to see her son at every available opportunity

[Wallywobbles]

@Stepmummy2208 I'd ask this to be moved to the step patents part of the forum. To be honest stepmothers get a fairly hard time here.

It sounds like you are doing your best. I'd suggest you and you DP try and get counseling to try and limit damage to you DSC. CBT could be helpful. It would also allow you a space where you can get things out there with your DP. And if you can ask the school to put in place some counseling too that would be great.

Yes you'd imagine a parent would do anything to see their child. But a lot of Dads don't.

Set a routine for the family you are going forward, rather for the family he ought to have. Does he/you really want to go to grandparents every weekend?

Get child maintenance paid properly through official channels. If you can afford to save it that's really going to help in the future.

His mum is not YOUR problem. I know that it doesn't feel like that but it's true. Try and detach from that part of this problem.

Good luck.

[Gingerkittykat]

You can't force an absent parent to take an interest in their child. You could try telling her how her behaviour is impacting on her son but best to keep your expectations very low. Does she have any set times she is meant to see your DSS away from her family?

Does she have any income? I think the only way to get maintenance would be via CMS, but it would be a tiny amount if she is on benefits.

[Stepmummy2208]

It really is impacting him not behaviourally but emotionally. He never speaks of his mum to us or his grandparents. We've told her this and she'll text asking us to remind him she loves him, and it's not enough for a child they need presence. We used the calculate on direct gov as a rough guide and it said we'd get around 40-50 which we thought was a bit high for her that's why we asked for 30and even said she could give us 20we really didn't mind asking as it was a contribution to his savings. I guess we should just continue as we are and eventually little one will come to his own assumptions etc

[VashtaNerada]

That’s really hard. I imagine there’s very little you could say though that could make her change. You just have to try to stay positive for your step-son’s sake and remember than any relationship with his mum is better than nothing (that’s probably not strictly true, but try to at least keep things ticking along until he’s old enough to decide for himself).

[TrojanWhore]

I'm confused - you say in thread title that there's a bio-mum, but you do not mention her in the opening post.

Was your DSC adopted, in an open adoption, with the bio-mum remaining in touch?

If you are using the term bio-mum just for DSC's mother I strongly recommend that you re post this with the mistake correcting as it is a complete misuse of the normal terms and is offensive to many.

[00100001]

grincheux "how about instead of slating someone you know to have mental health problems on an online forum, you reach out and offer to help her? "
.
What an odd thing to say...

Why is the boy's Mum her responsibility? Why can't DH sort this out and "reach out"? What else do you think the OP could actually do, when the mum isn't seeking her son out, doesn't come along when invited, let's the buy down etc?

[Stepmummy2208]

Thanks everyone ive spoke to my OH and he's messaged his ex basically saying get it together. It's not our job to ensure the son sees her it's hers to ensure she sees him.
Routine will come soon as we've arranged for him to go to grandparents two weekends a month. (Forgot to mention guys she isn't allowed to have son on her own always has to have someone with her) if she doesn't see him on either of those weekends then she'll be the one missing out just like on mother's Day. She's now said she will start paying dorm CSA after sons birthday so we shall see.

[Sux2buthen]

@TrojanWhore you know exactly what op means, you're being deliberately awkward when op has enough to deal with. You know, actual real problems. Not 'offence' at a supposed slight on some woman you don't even know

[00100001]

Trojan

But OP does mention the bio mum?

[stuffedpeppers]

Sadly this is the reality for many separated families. It is usually the waste of space father we complain about but every so often it is the mother.

The damage either sex does is not to be underestimated. It is no worse if it is a woman.

Welcome to the reality of dead beat parents

[KittyInTheCradle]

I know this doesn't solve the overall problem but I have one suggestion, have you tried not telling the little one when he's due to see his mum? That way when she cancels he hasn't build his hopes up, and when she makes it it's a nice surprise?

[grincheux]

What was she like as a mother when they were still together, or before there was a stepmum on the scene?

[grincheux]

@00100001 I'm just thinking that as the boy's mother suffers from mental health problems, depending on what they are there may be different ways of approaching the situation to help her engage. Maybe days out together or going to her ex's new family home are a little overwhelming for her. She might feel a bit excluded and has got herself in a tizz about it. OP could suggest these things to her partner, instead of telling other posters to 'hush' and referring to another woman as useless without an understanding of their problems.

[CanILeavenowplease]

If she has mental health problems then she has mental health problems and that will have an impact on her ability to manage all her relationships, not just the one with her son. It sounds to me that you consider yourself very much in control here - and consequently superior to mum. It is hard for any mother to accept a step parent in their children’s lives, let alone one who is replacing you to all intents and purposes. There are threads on here with polarised views of how appropriate it is - or not - for a step parent to attend a parent’s evening and it is clear there is no right way. Put yourself in her shoes, how do you think it might feel to turn up to parent’s evening with ex and new partner in tow (and that ‘s hard before you put any mental health issues on top)?

She sounds flakey but there is much you can do to reduce negativity for the child. Don’t build his hopes up about seeing mum - he’s seeing his grandparents and no one else, for example. If mum turns up that’s great, if she doesn’t he at least isn’t let down quite so much. Helping him to understand mum’s condition is another thing that can be done, rather than pretending it isn’t there.

And I agree with other posters, the apparent desire to see the relationship disappear is unacceptable and if left unchecked, will lead to conflict for the child as he gets older. He won’t want to let either side down. There is a lot of research that demonstrates children who know their parents on a ‘warts and all’ basis are far more secure as adults than those who never knew a parent. I suppose it stops the building up of a parent into something they are not - knowing the parent is far more grounding. Helping him accept his mum’s limitations should, long term, be far less damaging than removing her all together.

[00100001]

grincheux " Maybe days out together or going to her ex's new family home are a little overwhelming for her. "
but... she doesn't even go to her parents house to meet her child?

"OP could suggest these things to her partner, instead of telling other posters to 'hush' and referring to another woman as useless without an understanding of their problems."

I'm failry sure that OPs DH has done that though.

If the woman doesn't want o see her child (for any reason) , it is not the OPs responsibility to help the mother sort her issues out. OP has already said she and DH enable access regularly, and the mother lets the child down. The mother doesn't help financially. If this was a father he would be crucified "Pay for your child! Do everything you can to get access" .

how many people would be saying rto step-father, "reach out to Dad and offer to help him" ?

And besides all that, the child will be affected by this lack of interest, how many times does the little one have to be let down by empty promises before the Dad steps in and says "enough is enough"?

[CanILeavenowplease]

how many times does the little one have to be let down by empty promises before the Dad steps in and says "enough is enough

You think it acceptable to stop a parent seeing a child because said parent doesn’t meet your parenting standards?

[TanMateix]

I second not telling DS when is contact day, that way if she shows up is a bonus, if she doesn’t... it does make a HUGE difference in the emotional well-being of the kid.

Ultimately, it is in the child interests to have a positive relationship with both parents, but the key is the word “positive”. If this is affecting your kid and your family it may be easier to put the ball on her court, let her arrange when to see him within the allocated weekends rather than trying to put the child on a plate for her just to let him down.

So if she calls you and ask to see him on the day of the weekend allocated to her, arrange to meet her at a park, play area, cafe, and you will wait for her until (half an hour after thearranged time). If she doesn’t show up, you just go on with your day, If the kid doesn’t know of the contact he won’t be hurt when she doesn’t show up.

I can assure that when it comes to flaky absent parents, sometimes is better to let them jog on with their lives rather than trying to force a relationship they are not prepared to have.

[00100001]

"You think it acceptable to stop a parent seeing a child because said parent doesn’t meet your parenting standards?"


You think it's acceptable for a parent to promise they will come and see their child, and then not turn up, not explain why, and leave it to the other parent to manage their emotional response? And it's ok to do this time and time again?

[00100001]

And nobody said that access should be removed.

Just that maybe the absent adult should make arrangements and stick to them. Or that the child isn't aware that the other parent will be there?

[CanILeavenowplease]

You think it's acceptable for a parent to promise they will come and see their child, and then not turn up, not explain why, and leave it to the other parent to manage their emotional response? And it's ok to do this time and time again?

Of course not. Unfortunately it is reality for many. It is not ideal. But neither is never seeing a parent who is capable of some contact even if irregular.