This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Get Involved or keep out wwyd?(7 Posts)
Sorry this is a bit of a long post so as to not drip feed.
DSS lives with his mom and currently comes EOW, sometimes more frequently depending on whats going on etc.
This happened 2 years ago as he was meeting friends etc and we offered him to reduce down from EW if he is wanted as he was getting older and DSD (19) wanted to change to EOW from EW so we gave them both the choice. All fine no problems either way to us and live in same town so he knows if he wants to come he just texts us and likewise if we were visiting family or had plans we would text and ask if fancied coming.
Over Christmas he was at ours before Christmas went back for Christmas eve and day and then pretty much spent rest of holidays at ours and throughout Jan came every weekend.
Last summer DSD moved into ours for a week as her and mom were constantly rowing and fighting but her (DSD's) BF lived at YMCA and her mom just kept saying it was because DSD wanted to move in with BF there and wanted to be made homeless, now we have had challenges with DSD in the past and a few years ago went no contact for about 6 mnths because we refused to have bf in the house after something he did to DS, so it did sort of make sense what mom was saying, however, DSD was adamant it was her mom and she was constantly screaming and getting in her face and went to punch her etc so we had her at ours to give them both a break but she went to YM and got herself a flat there.
Mom was with someone for 7 years and they broke up the first week in June and new BF started staying the night after they broke up - not really our business but whilst DSD hated him and also blamed the change in mom to having him there but DSS seemed to get on ok with him and said he thought it was just his mom and sister.
In October last year moms BF got arrested after a fight at their house between him and mom(this was on the Saturday) and then the next night Mom got arrested and got taken to cells for the night - DS was taken to his nans by police as mom said that he dad was not around. We found out the next day because DSD told us - DH went round and told both DS and mom that that was never to happpen again - he told her he wasn't judging her BUT that that is his son and that if ever anything happened like that again he must be called - he told DS at 14 he was old enough to have called his dad himself.
DSS was upset and text me saying he was really srry he hadn't told us but he was worried about getting mom into more trouble and didn't want his mom and dad to argue either. I told him that he didn't have to say sorry that his dad was just worried and that he could talk to us anytime and it didn't have to go any further.
Shortly after his mom and her BF spit up and things calmed down, she got back with the long term BF and all seemed ok. Then in Jan she split wth the long term BF and went back to the other one again. Things have been very tense since.
DSD keeps reporting back that DS keeps phoning her crying because rows keep breaking out and they get quite out of hand. He told me his mom is a "crazy physco". His mom is smoking a lot of weed and also is drinking quite heavily. I explained that she is not crazy or a physco but that she did have some addiction issues and was clearly having mental health problems but she had always loved him and his DS and he had to try to understand that she needed more support etc.
Things keep going from bad to worse though, DSD was staying at her moms EOW when DSS was there and that was ok because we knew she was there to look after him if there were any rows. Now DSD will not go round to moms because her and the BF are constantly rowing and she believes he lies and thinks he is making her mom thin she is crazy by keep hiding things around the house and then suddenly they appear again, he pours vodka into pop bottles and pretends he is not drinking BUT we know she hates him so is not unbiased. DSS has told his dad that he hates it there but doesn't want to leave his mom and really doesn't want DH to talk to his mom because he says she then tries to twist his head about his dad and he doesn't want to hurt his mom and he loves her.
DSD also told us yesterday that twice this week DSS has missed school because mom couldn't be bothered to get up.
DH is at a loss as to what to do, he wants to have DS live with us but he knows that whilst DS would he also won't really leave his mom. He can't go and speak to mom because she would then go and take it out on DS.
What makes it worse is DH is NC with his eldest son as when he was 13 he was taken off his mom and put in our care but when we went to court eldest DS said he wanted to stay with mom and not live with us so courts placed him back in her care and she continued to have him repeatedly in and out of care but SS still would not let DH have him as each time DS kept saying that he wanted to be with mom and blamed us both to the point at 16 he just stopped coming and refused to see his dad, we both message him still but he is hit and miss if he answers and is very bitter. DH worries that if we force the issue with DS that the same may happen.
What options do we have really? We have told DS he can move in if he wants or come anytime to stay and have suggested that he starts coming Fri- Sun EW to try and give him and mom a bit of a break but he is worried his mom will be angry with him.
It doesn't feel right to just do nothing, DH wants it to be driven by DS but knows he won't go against mom so is stuck in a crappy home life. Do we just keep letting him know that he will always have an escape at ours and hope if it gets that bad he will just let us know?
It's very difficult isn't it. If only your DSD could persuade him to live with his dad and go to see his mum EOW.
The only other thing I can think of is an anonymous report to the local safeguarding officer at the Council.. OR... your DH makes an appointment with the HT at his son's school and discuss it confidentially.
They would more than likely contact the LA.
Thanks Sandy she said she did say to him about living at dads 50/50 as school is walking distance from both houses but she said he doesn't want to hurt his mom. He is quite open with DSD but is more guarded in what he says to dad.
I asked DSD if she thought mom would really be OK with him coming to ours more often and she said she thought she wouldn't be bothered as all she says is that she never gets a break from the f***ing kids. Thing is DSD is so angry with her mom at the moment, because she feels that her mom s willing to just push them away if it means keeping her man, that I can't tell how much is her just saying that.
I would worry about reporting in case the extra pressure does then push mom over the edge and DS gets the brunt of backlash. She went to hit the police when they were called which is why she went to the cells for the night and DSD said she walked in when her mom had her hands round BF neck and he was asleep - she said that was the final straw in moving out but as I say she hates BF and whilst mom has been high conflict in past this is way out of character and I have known her for over 10 years.
what a difficult situation.
I think you need to tell dsd again, maybe more firmly that you are worried about him at the moment as home is difficult. You are not judging his mum, but you want him to be safe. he is welcome at yours at any time, and you will come and get him in the middle of the night if necessary.
Offer again that he stays every weekend, or that he stays mostly with you, say again that you don't wnat to upset his mum, but you are worried about him.
I would also ask him about school, just an open question, and ask if you can help.
Not sure you can force it without upsetting mum though.
sorry, that should say you tell DSS not DSD.
How old is he?
Thanks steppe he is nearly 15. I have started messaging him more in week as a general checking in and so has his dad. DSD comes over a couple of times a week to ours so may see if he wants to come for tea on same nights so that he and mom can have a break and he can still see her whilst she isn't going to moms - although I hope mom doesn't then feel like we are all against her.
I will try talking to him again at the weekend, thanks again
This sounds sooo difficult!
It's possible he feels the need to stay with mum cos he feels protective/responsible for her.
Is there a slightly more removed but trusted person, like an aunt/uncle or family friend, who could have a non-committal chat with him and encourage him that he could stay with you temporarily until things get a bit more stable? And see how he's feeling?