...and this makes it all worth it !

(25 Posts)
smallereveryday Sun 31-Mar-19 10:17:47

A decade in and out family court with highly manipulative ex.
Older children changed residence to us.
All children horribly torn between parents for a decade.
Withholding of contact by mother.
Spectacular Disney parenting by father (too scared to risk the kids saying they don't want to come - unless he treats them like glass ornaments - but eventually grew a pair and began the court process).
Ex wife's visceral hatred of husband and I
Pretty much the full tick box of how not to have a divorce and how not to make the children pawns in it all.

It's not been easy.
Then I got this.
To all those SM struggling. Especially with teenagers. I hope your day is special and though you may not get thanks, we other SM's know how hard it can be and how much work we put I n.
...and sometimes one small text makes our day.

OP’s posts: |
swingofthings Sun 31-Mar-19 11:41:34

That's lovely! Amazing how a few words can make up for years of frustration!

onalongsabbatical Sun 31-Mar-19 12:18:49

Aww, brilliant. You've obviously done an amazing job. flowers and probably some cake and wine for you today.

NorthernSpirit Sun 31-Mar-19 12:41:05

Oh that’s so lovely.

Kennehora Sun 31-Mar-19 12:43:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whitehalleve Sun 31-Mar-19 13:33:05


@smallereveryday I'm glad for you smilewine

smallereveryday Sun 31-Mar-19 15:23:03

Thanks everyone. Including Kennehora
I'm so happy with my message from my SD that silly comments can't spoil it.

OP’s posts: |


Kennehora Sun 31-Mar-19 15:34:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smallereveryday Sun 31-Mar-19 16:44:53

Actually if you bothered to read Kennehora you would see that my message was about both parents being pretty useless and how the children- despite it all - are now happy, charming, lovely young people.

It was a message to STEP mothers, on the 'step parents' topic. On a day that they may not always find easy and to give hope.
A message to step mothers who often put in a lot of work and get very little thanks.
I don't know if you are a step parent or not but regardless if you are not- I am sure you can appreciate that there ARE (very few - thank goodness ) mothers out there who do not put there children first in a divorce- my dsc are unfortunate enough to be in that position. To the extent that the judge changed residency for the eldest two at their request.

So yes, be as snarky as you wish. Exercise all the verbal dexterity and hyperbolic accusations you can muster (eviscerate the mother ??) but nothing you say can take away the delight of receiving that message after a decade of very difficult times - it makes me feel happy, that I have been a force for good in their lives .

OP’s posts: |
Kennehora Sun 31-Mar-19 17:02:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laloup1 Sun 31-Mar-19 17:03:33

That’s a lovely message.

ThisMustBeMyDream Sun 31-Mar-19 17:21:56

Kennehora, do you not know anyone in your life who made a terrible parent? Because I do. There are millions of terrible mothers in the world. The title of mum doesn't change a thing.
Interestingly on mumsnet if a person has a complaint about another person's behaviour, and posts publically that is seen as fine. The minute it is a stepparent, then it is somehow wrong. Oh and all those that think it is wrong are the most unjudgemental people on the planet...obviously hmm.

smallereveryday Sun 31-Mar-19 17:24:10

Ok. Kennehore. Not quite sure what your problem is - but a happy step mother obviously distressed you.

I will now ignore you because you obviously have some agenda that is irrelevant to my post and instead say thank you to Laloup1 who appears to be able to appreciate my post in the manner it was meant.

OP’s posts: |
Kennehora Sun 31-Mar-19 17:29:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laloup1 Sun 31-Mar-19 17:35:11

Yes Smaller, I completely do! It’s little moments like that, that make all the awful stuff fade away a little.

smallereveryday Sun 31-Mar-19 18:40:13

I posted a text because I was happy to receive it.

The reason I was so happy to receive it was ENTIRELY down to the difficulties we have experienced for a decade. Without telling OUR particular back story there is no way to understand the joy today's text bought.

As for my teenage SD being on MN - hmmm I don't think many teenage girls have ever heard of MN and would be less interested.

The chances of the children's mother being on here are Zero. As I have been on MN for many years and know for a fact that there isn't a single bitter, manipulative , self absorbed first wife on this site. All first wives on MN are well known to be selfless, hardworking, child focussed paragons of virtue who would NEVER put their children in impossible positions of 'choosing' parents...

OP’s posts: |
stuffedpeppers Sun 31-Mar-19 22:27:50

Get you OP - my SDs are on the older teen side.
Got a text from all of them - I am not a cards, flowers, cakes pressie person, just acknowledging my existence and asking if I could cook one of my specific meals when they come next as they love it !

HeckyPeck Sun 31-Mar-19 22:34:17

Great post OP. Your step kids are lucky to have you!

Dustyzest Mon 01-Apr-19 08:01:00

That’s so lovely! It is the little things. My partner’s older son (19) thanked me for making dinner on Saturday night and when his 13 year old brother was doing his usual retching and wailing told him ‘you should be grateful for a meal like this, it’s the best I’ve eaten in weeks’.

Admittedly he’s been away at uni so there’s not much to compare it to, but considering only a few short months ago he was either ignoring me or calling me names, it made my weekend! I almost fell off my chair in shock. I can only imagine how pleased you were with that lovely text. It can be SO hard so the little things really do matter.

smallereveryday Mon 01-Apr-19 11:48:20

Thanks guys. It's really sounds like you are all getting there as well. Was beginning to doubt myself for a moment after Kennehora and her rant yesterday.
It's so lovely , that moment when they stopped vying for attention and bashing each other (the bit I hated most as my dcs had never laid a finger on each other - so I had no idea how to deal with it) ... and suddenly started to be considerate. Not only to each other but to DH and I.
I can't say I would do it all again the stress nearly did me in and that was not fair on my own dcs- but I wouldn't be without them now. ..

OP’s posts: |
Anuta77 Mon 01-Apr-19 14:50:08

That is really a sweet message and I absolutely understand how it could make up for difficulties.
My middle SS once sent me a thank note on his 15th bday apologizing, among other things, for this behaviour towards me. In addition to his know-it-all personality (ex. he decided that he knew better how to bring up my son from prev relationship and was manipulating him against me), his mother involved him in every detail of our fight pretending to be my victim. I used to dread his visits, but now things are good between us and I'm glad to see him. This note made a lot of difference. And I know it didn't come from his mother or my DP.

Dustyzest Mon 01-Apr-19 15:26:16

I don’t think everyone gets how hard it can be!

NorthernSpirit Mon 01-Apr-19 16:12:14

Totally agree when you say you don’t realise how hard it can be.

Yes I started seeing a man who had kids, yes, was happy to embrace he had kids.

What I was unprepared for was a vitriolic EW who makes life as difficult as she can for everyone involved and DSC who are torn (as apparently liking me upsets her).

On Sunday the mum didn’t want to spend the day with her own kids so we had them. Got a mumbled thank you off one as he left (10), the 2nd (14) got the moods and general distain.

It’s hard. Would love for a sign to say the effort is appreciated.

TacoLover Mon 01-Apr-19 16:18:47

She's posted a long post about what a cunt her stepchildren's mother is, with a tissue-paper-thin veneer of "oh look how lovely" (and possibly hoping that the mum will get to see this post - there's a good chance that the stepchild could).

Your post is a bit idiotic. You're slating the OP for saying bad things about their mother on Mother's Day. What the fuck does Mother's Day got to do with anything? It doesn't make a shit mum immune to criticism.

Dustyzest Mon 01-Apr-19 17:18:17

@northernspirit I don’t think anything can prepare you for how hard that is. We have similar, and sometimes you do feel a bit resentful about how it all pans out. You’d be a robot if you didn’t! I don’t think anyone can be shamed for having negative feelings about their situation - I just keep a stash of treats hidden in the back of the wardrobe for the times when it gets a bit much!

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