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Stepmums & family occasions

(13 Posts)
However12345 Sun 10-Mar-19 19:29:59

Hi does anyone dread them? I do, over the years ExW and other family members have voiced their opinion of me and made it very clear they don't like me but still my H insists I go to family occasions. We have one coming up and H announced today that it involves both lunch and dinner on the same day. I'm dreading the day, I waste a week worrying about what to wear, what to say if I'm ask questions, feeling generally very uncomfortable etc. but h still insists I go. Any other SM's in the same situation?

OP’s posts: |
goldengummybear Sun 10-Mar-19 19:32:20

You're an adult woman. Why would you subject yourself to this treatment by his family and more importantly him? Would you make your child go to school if they were bullied there? This is no different.

Iloveacurry Sun 10-Mar-19 19:34:29

Does your DH stand up for you?

However12345 Sun 10-Mar-19 19:40:08

I wish I could say yes he does stand up for me, unfortunately he chooses to ignore most of what is said. I genuinely believes he doesn't know what to say or do.

OP’s posts: |
Jamhandprints Sun 10-Mar-19 19:46:23

Oh However, don't go. I love my step-mum to bits and I would hate her to feel like this. My OHs step mum is treated like this, he husband is the worst really. I hate it. But honestly the family would be fine if she didn't attend events. Tell him you're not going.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 10-Mar-19 19:51:32

What he needs to say is that if they can’t be at least civil to you then you won’t be going - you both know they choose not to so you don’t go - and what he needs to do is listen to you and respect your opinion and your decision and leave it at that when you say no.

I wouldn’t be going anywhere where people were rude to my husband. That’s ridiculous. I want him to be happy, how can he be happy if he’s spending time with people who are rude and unpleasant? If your husband wants to spend time with people who disrespect his wife he’s weak and pathetic but there’s no law against that. If he tries to bully you into going then I’m sorry but he’s a twat. He’s not the boss of you. Be very clear you won’t be going to any events, starting now with this two meal extravaganza, and if he tries to hassle you it’s time to have serious words about how he’s not the boss of you!

Btw this isn’t at all a step parenting thing, this is a husband who is an inconsiderate arse thing. You’re no less deserving of kindness and respect because you’re a step parent or second wife.

SandyY2K Sun 10-Mar-19 23:06:55

The thing is he can't dictate to his family how to treat you.

An alternative view is he may be taking the approach of 'this is my wife and she's not going anywhere, so get used to it'

He may want you there, to show them...they can't oust you.

Is it his family who have expressed their dislike of you? Do they just ignore you?

Is his Ex W at these events?

swingofthings Mon 11-Mar-19 05:58:18

He wants you to go for his benefit. He wants to affirm to everyone there that he made the right choice being with you and that you are happy together. If you didn't go, they could wonder whether you are unhappy and that would reflect bad on him. He doesn't really care how you feel being there, he only cares that it makes him good.

9n one hand he has a point that it will only get better the more you go if 8jdeed it goes in that direction. On the other hand though, you don't have to be close to his family, it's up to you and if you really don't want to go, or not go to every family event, I wouldnt go.

user1493413286 Mon 11-Mar-19 06:30:21

Is his ex wife at these family occasions? I wouldn’t be going to events where people had made it clear they didn’t like me

HeckyPeck Tue 12-Mar-19 13:26:31

Honesty, I wouldn’t go unless it was an event I wanted to attend like someone I care about’s wedding etc.

What’s your husband likely to do/say if you tell him you’re not going?

However12345 Tue 12-Mar-19 20:44:21

Yes ExW is always there. If I tell H I am not going he will complain. H was a nightmare growing up with his own step mum/ dads second wife so you would think he knows what it is like. Next week ExW has been invited by him to something we were going too and when I found out I was brave enough to tell him I'm not going which he doesn't understand. No matter what they say and what he says he chooses not to understand. Reckon I should rise above it all is all he ever tells me. H chose to tell me only at the weekend about one of the meet ups.

OP’s posts: |
HeckyPeck Wed 13-Mar-19 17:07:33

I’d stand my ground and when he tried to complain I’d say “you created this situation by never standing up for me. My mind is made up and I won’t be changing it.”

Magda72 Wed 13-Mar-19 18:54:35

Why on earth is his exw at everything & more to the point why is he asking her to stuff? I appreciate there cab often be an overlap when children are involved but this sounds like there's no boundaries in place & also no acceptance of you as his wife.

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