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Step-parenting

Blended family nightmare

28 replies

Aussiebelle · 21/02/2019 03:11

Hello

I am from Sydney Australia and have been searching for help or advice or just even other step parents to talk to.

I have been with my partner for 8.5 years. I have 4 children ranging from (F23) (F18) (F17) and (M13) and my partner has two children (F13) and (F10)

I come from a very inclusive family, everyone is welcome and we all want what’s best for everyone. My partner not so much. Immediately on becoming aware that my partner was dating me his mother refused to meet me, called me terrible names and so on. Usually I am can handle myself but to be honest this was very confusing as I hadn’t met her yet and I was pretty hurt /shocked.

My partners ex wife had a boyfriend (still does) but hated my very existence. Again, I figured this really isn’t my issue as I hadn’t met her at the time etc.

My partners mother and ex wife never got along during his marriage. All of a sudden (when I came on the picture) they became close.

Anyway, we did not introduce our children to each other or the relationship until 2014. I just felt it was important to be mindful and needed to be sure I was in a committed serious relationship. Things at first were going well. We would go to places on the weekend as a group and the kids seemed to get along ok. Mine are a little older but they knew it was important to establish relationships and work at becoming a unit so there was a lot of fun and activities.

In July of 2016 we decided to move in together and I put my place up for rent and moved into his bigger house with him. We each have our kids 50% of the time in shared custody arrangements. At first things seemed…..ok. Its an adjustment etc and I honestly think I am the one that struggled here the most. I could see some small issues but everyone else seemed oblivious. Things like my kids eat what I provide them, are respectful, use manners etc where his girls only eat chicken nuggets, drink cordial and never say please or thank you.

Around 3 months after I moved in we had a big argument that had been building for a while. It was a simple issue. Partners (F12) would not drink water and I didn’t not provide softdrinks etc. Anyway after weeks of little snipey comments where my partner would say to his daughter in the background “sorry we cant have softdrink” I exploded and said if you want to provide your kid with soft drink you can take yourself up to the shops and buy it yourself. He exploded back at me and from then on this same issue and all these other issues continued with me being harassed constantly and us always fighting when his girls were with us.

They would pretend vomit over every dinner I served. This was horrible, angered my children, embarrassed my partner and was just miserable.
They accused my son of saying “suck my d*” one night when we went out for dinner although they didn’t realise my son wasn’t even home he was at his dads. So they were caught in that lie. My partner just punished them by taking their softdrink off them? I was horrified and thought these type of lies can be quite dangerous.
Anyway this type of behaviour continued on and off and pretty much every time they would come we would argue. We don’t argue when they are not here or when my kids are here.

At some point girls tell him that his mother (who babysits them before and after school every day) is saying terrible things to them (example – your dad left your mother because of you and OR your dad doesn’t love you and he did not confront the issue. I spoke to him about this and said a) if your mum is saying these things you need to tackle this head on and b) if you don’t think your girls are being truthful then again you need to find out why. He chose to do nothing. Then they complain about his brother in law. Who I have met and is lovely. Basically they said that he told them not to kiss their cousins his children like he was disgusted. Again no one said anything. Next in line was their mothers boyfriend who they told us that he doesn’t like them and he refuses to visit and their mum told them it was because they are there. This time I sat him down and said your kids are not being truthful and showed him the social media photos of them hanging with their mother and her boyfriend. He asked his 12yr old and she admitted she lied.

I then said you have to address these lies as next they will be saying things about me and I certainly wont ignore it. He didn’t address it. I told him telling lies can be dangerous either to the person your lying about or yourself as no one will believe them etc.

Sure enough about a year ago they told his mother and their mother that I had shoved them down a flight of stairs. I didn’t, and I was somewhat lucky that my partner was there the whole time. So this started even more hatred and abuse from his mother and ex (directed at him) as they don’t acknowledge me.

We have since found out by seeing messages from the 12 year old to her mother that they lie about what we feed them, if we fight etc, what we do and even a hideous amount of stalking. For instance, they will tell her how I eat, how I cook, what messages I write on my chalkboard (usually lovely positive messages for all to see) they call me Satan, my kids satans children, my granddaughter Satan and say things like we are repulsive and how Karma is coming for me? They say they are left alone when he never does leave them alone. That we starve them that I run the house like a military training camp. The mother is actively encouraging this spying and conversation and being manipulative saying things like “ I want you full time but you just have to go to your dads for now” when we have offered the mother this if it will make her daughter happier but she has refused and said she doesn’t want to give up the boyfriend. The mother also encourages the daughter to ignore me, and has told both girls to go straight to their room and stay there and that its not my house so they don’t have to listen to me. They also discuss how they weren’t invited to my kids bday lunch (they were) and went on about how bad that was when they have told me and my kdis we aren’t welcome to attend anything on their side.

So now, for the last year and a half these girls have come to the house, don’t speak, don’t say hello or anything and head straight to their room and stay there. They wont touch food I prepare, ignore me if I talk to them and report lies back to the mother and MIL.

My family and kids were inviting them everywhere but Ive had to stop this as it was killing me they were saying things about us and even ignoring gifts given to them by my family.

My partner and I have had long periods of no fighting but its only because I completely shut down whenever his kids are there. And I mean shut down. Im not coping and feel very uncomfortable around them and hate when they come as its so horrible.

If we do fight – its about his kids.

The other night he mentions he is playing soccer again this season which means Friday night games. I asked him what will he do with the girls on the Friday he has them and he said they will be staying at the house….with me. I am terrified. I feel he has put me in a really dangerous position of being accused of god knows what and it caused big arguments.

I think its fine for them to come as they are his kids but think he needs to be there considering the history with lying. I am considering installing cameras and having multiple people there as witnesses to protect myself.

I know that the goal of their mother is to turn them against me and their father and I think she has succeeded but I am at the point of wishing the process would speed up so they leave and I don’t have to be scared anymore.

OP posts:
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WhiteCat1704 · 21/02/2019 07:06

Wow.
It sounds awful and your partner sound like an unsupportive dick...WHY are you letting yourself be treated that way excatly?

How about you just say NO to this:
asked him what will he do with the girls on the Friday he has them and he said they will be staying at the house….with me. I am terrified
How about you take on a hobby every Friday and go out before he planned to so he CAN'T leave you with his out of control daughters?

You really don't have to do this OP. YO
ou don't owe them anything.

If I were you I would start by saying NO to your partner. I would also consider moving out. This is not way a to live your life.

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Iloveacurry · 21/02/2019 07:16

Sorry but as everyone says on MN you have a partner problem. He’s not being very supportive.This relationship doesn’t seem to be working. If it was me, I’d be moving out back to my own place.

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Friendofsadgirl · 21/02/2019 07:19

Do you still own your own house? If so, I think you should give any tenants their notice and start planning to move back their with your children.
Your partner is never going to address the issues with his girls, ex and mother. You shouldn't have to live in fear of accusations and lies. Put yourself and your children first.

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flumpybear · 21/02/2019 07:30

Yep, partner problem. He's buried his head in the sand and ain't deal with difficult issues- unacceptable he needs to grow a pair and sort this out it's unreasonable to live like this - the girls, mum and MIL are running your lives because he won't say enough is enough

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Springwalk · 21/02/2019 07:30

You and dp have totally different values. He does not have your back op.

Honestly?

I would back home. I could not and would not tolerate living like you are.

Once his dc are older and have stopped alternate weekend visits, and are virtually adults, then you can reconsider your options. Move in together properly in a new house.

This isn’t going to work. It is not about winning or losing. It is about living true to your values, in peace.

I would not be waiting for your dsd to make an allegation against you to the police, and potentially ruining your life. Your do has utterly failed to stop this to protect you.

Leave and continue your relationship ( is you still want to after this) at your house without all of this stress and drama. It is toxic and unhealthy.

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MamaDane · 21/02/2019 07:41

The children are only a symptom of their parents illness, their mother is manipulative and their father is useless. I don't think you are a good match. I think you should run for the hills.

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Dimsumlosesum · 21/02/2019 07:53

This is awful. Op, you have a massive partner problem that doesn't look like it's going to be solved anytime soon, if EVER. Wouldn't you and your children feel more at peace without all that poison in your life?

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Dimsumlosesum · 21/02/2019 07:55

Also, this could get extremely serious re the lies. Extremely. If I were you I would protect myself and my children and move on with your lives - these people are not worth the stress, anxiety, drama, poison.

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Magda72 · 21/02/2019 08:25

What @MamaDane says. This girls are extremely damaged from being the kids of a manipulator & a weakling - sorry to be so blunt - & you & your dc have spent 8.5 years being dragged into their (your dp & his ex) disfunction.
Seriously - get out if this NOW. Go back to your own house if you can or rent another place if you can't. This is not going to get any better & I think deep down you know this.

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Poppyfr33 · 21/02/2019 08:44

Sorry he is a weakling and isn’t thinking of the welfare of his children. He needs to stop enabling their behaviour. You have to decide whether the relationship can survive without major changes in his attitude. Good luck

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stealthmode · 21/02/2019 12:04

OP, I think you are going to get one simple response from everyone.

You have a DP problem first and foremost. Equally there is some responsibility you have to take on board with this situation. Why have you allowed it to get this bad? And critically, why are you risking both your personal safety and that of your children?

You think the lies can be dangerous? No, I’m telling you that these lies can be dangerous. Your son is coming to an age when he is sexually aware and so are your partners children. At a certain age if your partners children decide to say ‘x touched me’ in an environment such as school, an investigation can be opened against you, or your son, in a heartbeat. And it becomes your/ your sons words against theirs.

These children have become adept at manipulation and have also learned that there are zero consequences to them for lying, this is simply horrific. As other posters have said, this is a horrifically dysfunctional set up and you and your children have been drawn into it.

I’m stunned reading your post as to why you stay. And I am appalled that you are even considering allowing your partner to play football and leave you with children who quite honestly are being vile to you. I would outright refuse to do this and remove myself and my children from the house.

I would move out and protect my children. This is not going to get better, this is going to get far worse. Protect your kids.

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xmasbaba2014 · 21/02/2019 16:34

Firstly I'd definitely be saying no to the Friday nights. Tell your partner he needs to make alternative arrangements to have them looked after. And I agree with previous posters, I'd be preparing to move back to your own house. It's a horrible environment you're living in at the moment and I'd be afraid that an allegation would be made against your son at some stage. Maybe your relationship is salvageable, maybe not, but I think I'd be living apart for now until some serious changes were implemented.

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MyKingdomForBrie · 21/02/2019 16:43

Life is too short for this, just split up. Kids this messed up aren't just the product of one parent, his lack of parenting is half of the problem.

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Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 21/02/2019 16:48

Set up some nanny cams.
Anything happens you aren't happy with, you confront him and be prepared to split up.
He is a prize twat imo.
And you need a medal op for getting this far.

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Surfingtheweb · 21/02/2019 16:56

I'd leave & go back to my own house.

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SandyY2K · 21/02/2019 20:41

I'd be moving back into my flat if I was you. There is no chance I'd stay alone with his daughters.

The girls, his Ex and his mother aren't great, but he is so conflict avoidant and useless with dealing with his daughters...it's ridiculous.

You and your children don't need all this stress.

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Meretricious · 21/02/2019 20:56

I really can’t see what you are getting out of this...or your children. Imagine this for the nex5 twenty years. Bugger that.

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Livelovebehappy · 21/02/2019 23:02

Definitely move back into your own house. You don’t need to break up with him if you still want a relationship with him, but it will be so much better for both of you if you don’t live together at th3 moment. You can then control when you see him and be able to make yourself absent when his DCs are there by having your own space in your own home.

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Aussiebelle · 21/02/2019 23:29

Hi Everyone
Firstly thank you for your replies. I really appreciate your advices.

Just to clarify, I never agreed to babysit on the Friday nights he simply believed his kids would just stay in their room and I wouldn't have to do anything. He would ensure they were fed etc before he left.

He was completely missing the point I was trying to make.

Anyway he came home last night and said that he had spoken to some family relationship counsellors at this place called relationships Australia and he understands I am not stopping him from seeing his children, I just don't want to be left alone and in protected with them. He has decided he will only play his soccer games on the Friday nights he does not have them so this means he will play once a fortnight when his kids are at their mothers.

He is also installing CCTV in all the common areas as he stated that the lies although the more dangerous ones are directed at me are sometimes about him (they will say he doesn't feed them etc)

He also wants to discuss us alternating the kids. So basically mine are with us on their own when his are not there and vice versa as he pointed out if the shoe was on the other foot he would not want his kids to associate with mine if the potential for lies was there.

As one comment mentioned I am aware of the danger that my son could be in and I think my partners idea above is definitely the right step for now.

He also said that the counsellor told him he will most likely lose his relationships with his daughters as the mother is a covert narcissist? and this has been her intention although if he maintains his stance they might when older decide to have a relationship with him at some point.

With regards to his parents he has ceased contact with them for the last 6 months or so because of their treatment of me but on the odd occasion he pulls up out the front to pick his kids up after school (because their mother uses them for before and after school care) but he doesn't speak to them.

The counsellor will be calling me today which I think will be good - as I am very unhappy and feel as though I have lost who I was during this whole process.

Isnt this all sad? I am from a wonderful multi blended family and to come into this environment is heartbreaking.

Also I do still have my other property so I have kept my options open - and I can move back.

Thank you ladies, you have no idea how good I felt simply feeling heard. Its been a long time since I have been able to talk to anyone and have them be so honest with me.

I am glad I joined this site xoxox

OP posts:
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SandyY2K · 22/02/2019 01:11

It sounds like he's taking positive steps. That's good.

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HoppingPavlova · 22/02/2019 01:32

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Move back to your house when the current lease runs out and stay in a relationship without the kids involved (see each other on the week they are not there). Then if all is going okay and you are still together when the kids are grown up, THAT’s the time to move in together.

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BartonHollow · 22/02/2019 01:38

Though it sounds like your DH is trying, I think he his ex and their children need to have some sort of family therapy whereby his DDs can address that they feel they aren't supporting their mother unless they behave negatively towards you. And no in your position I wouldn't want to be placed at risk of accusation either.

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Springwalk · 22/02/2019 07:45

I am glad we were able to help.
Your dp seems proactive in at least looking for solutions. I would keep my dc away, and would disappear for the weekends his dc are staying until he has found a resolution.

That said I would have already moved back by now!

God luck op! Look after yourself.

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Springwalk · 22/02/2019 07:45

Good

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HeckyPeck · 22/02/2019 11:24

Move back to your house when the current lease runs out and stay in a relationship without the kids involved (see each other on the week they are not there). Then if all is going okay and you are still together when the kids are grown up, THAT’s the time to move in together.

I agree. Then you’d never even have to see his kids and could have yours extra days they want to without having to worry about the lies.

It sounds like when they’re there it’s an awful atmosphere. I couldn’t live with that 50% of the time!

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