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Partners son is a bully

(30 Posts)
Dalyesquire Wed 20-Feb-19 02:38:58

I have a dilemma and donr know where to turn. I have been in a relationship for 2 years to a great girl who has a 6 year old son . I myself have a 7 year old boy who I get only 2 weekends a month due to working shifts.
Things have always been great with me and partner. Her boy has always been an acquired taste. He was great initially but then started acting up really badly . He shouts and tantrums at his mum and hits her when he acts up. Worst of all she says and does nothing and thinks this is ok. Now, my partner is a loving mother and doesn't deserve being treated like that. I have mentioned it before to her but I get my head bitten off by her as she doesn't like her son or her parenting being criticised. The boys behaviour has escalated to him shouting abuse at me like shut up you stupid idiot and get out of my house and he hits me. He is just 6 !!!!I have bitten my tongue but now have tried to educate him and tell him not to say stupid but say silly or dont say idiot as it's not nice . However my partner jumps to his defence and says that he doesn't really know what it means and must have heard it on the tv and he can say it . She undermined me in front of him and now he says it to me constantly and won't stop. Now , I know from reading other threads that there are those who will directly look at it and say it's not my place to say anything and that he's just acting up because he feels threatened or jealous and I agree to an extent. I have tried bonding with him and me and his mum have both spoke to him about how I'm not trying to take his mum away etc.
Anyway , I can deal with the grief I get and the grief his mother gets and would hope that down the line it improves but my problem and why I have turned to writing this post is concern for my son.
My son is the kindest best natured boy you will meet. All he wants to do is play with kids his own age and have fun. I know that sounds biased and it is but it's the truth. Since both boys were introduced a year and a bit ago, my partners son would always wind my boy up , to cut a long story short , over past year he has punched him to the face several times , wound him up to no end , said bloody awful things to him and I feel he is being bullied . Anytime I mention it to My partner it's another argument and her boy is allegedly an angel . My worst fear is now coming true as my boy doesn't want to spend time with my partners boy and says he is mean and he is actually slightly scared of him and this is difficult as I now live with my partner.
After a long time of keeping stuff to myself I blew up the other day. I was watching as my partners boy walked up to mine while he was on iPad and started pushing him, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and dragged him about living room laughing saying'you are afraid of me ' . I jumped in and told him off. Then he started abusing my boy saying ' your a stupid idiot ' ' get out my house I donr like you idiot'. My boy was really upset. My partner walked in the room just as I told him off and said he cannot say stupid and idiot . And she said he can say it if he wants. I blew my top and nearly 2 years of frustrations came out and told her how horrible her boy was he had no manners and it was her fault. I am now caught between a rock and a hard place as I love my partner but I need to protect my son . I would love to know opinions but really want to know if it will get better. Right now I have it in my head that it won't and I have a duty to my son

OP’s posts: |
TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood Wed 20-Feb-19 02:45:46

Only you know whether your partner will ever change her stance on this but w you decide for god's sake realise and remember your son is your first priority. Obviously.
🙄

It makes me really sad for your boy that you are putting your relationship with her before his mental health, and she is going the exact opposite (probably out of guilt??); The other child sounds out of control, tbh.

TheseThingsAreFunAndFunIsGood Wed 20-Feb-19 02:47:17

*whatever you decide and *doing... Sorry it's late and I should be asleep!

Dalyesquire Wed 20-Feb-19 02:56:51

I appreciate your reply . Just to clarify , the incidents of hitting my son I have done what any parent would do and Intervene and shouted at my partners boy and told her about it but she doesn't punish him. Donr want anyone thinking I've done nothing and sat by and watched it happen .

OP’s posts: |
WinterCoat Wed 20-Feb-19 03:11:37

You have to choose your child in this situation, surely.
Even taking your child out of the equation, this sounds like no way to live, especially when your partner is unwilling to address the behaviour of her son.

Middlrm Wed 20-Feb-19 03:16:36

You will always look after your kid as a priority so in essence you have done the right thing, although I also agree based on your account that he needs dealing with but essentially you have just undermined her also which is going to make it hard for you both to deal with.

I would if I was you apologise for the way and the where you said how you felt ... but explain the essence of what you said was the truth

I would love to know how calling people an idiot and being intimidating is exceptable ... can he speak to one of her friends or behave like this with one of her friends kids?

I

FacingUp Wed 20-Feb-19 03:21:35

End it. Your child is more important than your relationship with this woman.
Please don’t have your son around this bullying boy anymore it must be awful for him to be under the same roof as the person who is terrorising him.

lunar1 Wed 20-Feb-19 08:42:06

You aren't a stuck anywhere FGS. Leave your partner and her son behind, how the hell do you think this will play out with her parenting when he's a teenager?

How long do you think it will be before your DS refuses to visit? If I was his other parent I wouldn't make him come to your house under these circumstances.

notapizzaeater Wed 20-Feb-19 08:46:13

Tbh I'd leave - your son is far more important and if she is unwilling to punish this is only going to get worse.

Valdy Wed 20-Feb-19 08:57:58

If she isn't doing anything, things will only get worse! If he's like this at 6 what will he be like when he's a teen! Definitely just think of your son and your own sanity, your partner and her son are frustrating me just reading your post.

Windgate Wed 20-Feb-19 08:59:15

The relationship isn't going to work and you need to protect your child. Make arrangements to move out as soon as possible and in the mean time see your son away from this toxic environment.
I feel for your partner's son, he sounds like a very troubled boy but sadly he is unlikely to change.

Shockers Wed 20-Feb-19 09:39:33

All behaviour is communication. He’s telling his mother that he feels invaded; she’s not dealing with what he’s saying with his behaviour.

She needs to help him with those feelings, and you need to understand that his ‘bullying’ is an initial cry for help which resulted in him feeling a little bit of control when she justified it.

He’s 6; he can’t articulate how shit he’s feeling, so he’s acting it out instead.

Your child will end up with issues too though, if nothing is done, so there needs to be an honest conversation between you and your partner. If you can’t make a plan to go forward that everyone supports, you’ll need to walk away.

Pinkybutterfly Thu 21-Feb-19 02:06:11

I feel so sorry for your son. Her behaviour is horrible and you aren't protecting your son. Sorry your dss is verbally and physical abusive I wouldn't allow that to happen, where is he getting all that anger from? I think you need to have a family meeting with it son, your partner and you and let him express how her son makes him feel and how her bad parenting impacts on everyone. I'm sorry but if he was and adult he could go jail for that behaviour. She need to reconsider what's she is doing otherwise you should leave. If I was you son's mum I wouldn't allow him to be in the house when you have your dss.

Dalyesquire Thu 21-Feb-19 04:02:54

Thank you very much for all your comments.

OP’s posts: |
redexpat Thu 21-Feb-19 05:31:25

Put your childs needs first.

stealthmode Thu 21-Feb-19 12:14:33

You have to leave as your problem here is your partner.

Children will absolutely act up with any adult who is new on the scene so to speak. My DC pushed boundaries with my EXP but he never had to say anything as I would immediately intervene. Calmly but firmly and explain that xyz comment was a step too far and that I thought it was hurtful. That core discipline role has to come from the parent - especially in the beginning.

My DC never engaged physically and that is something that needs nipping in the bud. That’s my view and it’s your view. That clearly however is not your partners view and as such there is a very real chasm between your parenting values and her parenting values. As an adult you can make the decision as to whether you can put up with this.

However your child is being impacted by this. And that no longer leaves you with any choice IMO. Your child cannot be bullied in anyway and this cannot be dealt with by you. If your partner is allowing this then she is the problem.

In your situation I would have a brutally honest conversation about this which basically says either we fix this situation together, and I’ll help and support you butbit has to stop. Or I have to leave. Because I cannot have my child put through this.

This boy is 6, heaven help everyone when he hits the preteen / teen years.

Ribbonsonabox Thu 21-Feb-19 12:18:11

I think sadly that you need to leave both for your good and your sons... it doesn't sound like shes going to change and discipline her son properly... ypuve spoken to her about it and she hasn't changed. You arent going to be able to do anything because her son is not going to listen unless it's coming from her too..

I think you need to move out tbh

IvanaPee Thu 21-Feb-19 12:22:17

Walk away and try to spend more time with your son, would be my suggestion.

It’s easy to see his angelic side for four days out of around 30!

But either way, there’s nothing you can do about how she parents her own child. You can only protect your own yet you constantly bring him back to a situation he’s being bullied in so you can play happy families with your girlfriend.

You need to be a better dad than that!

CJsGoldfish Thu 21-Feb-19 12:22:55

You either choose your son or you don't. Really all there is to it.

MrsAJ27 Thu 21-Feb-19 12:29:38

I don't understand why you moved in with your partner when her son behaves like this??

Your son is more important and you shouldn't be putting him in this awful environment. It won't be long before your son doesn't want to spend time with you!

flamingofridays Thu 21-Feb-19 12:30:48

leave her and her feral son to it. You can never make it work with someone who thinks the sun shines out of their childs arse and they can do no wrong.

your child deserves better.

hardyloveit Thu 21-Feb-19 12:34:39

I'd leave her.
Sorry your having to go through this.

I used to have a best friend who's son was 2 years older than my child. He was horrendous too! She just couldn't see it and thought he was this angel but never disciplined him and his behaviour got worse and worse! I ended up going nc with her as my child was so scared of her child!

Do what's best for your son. You don't want him to stop wanting to see you because of the other child!

Hope your okay! It's tough as you obviously love her or you wouldn't live together but I don't think she sounds like she will ever see what her child is like

RainbowWaffles Thu 21-Feb-19 12:36:58

Her son sounds like a nightmare. She sounds utterly incapable of properly parenting him. Do you and your son want to or have to put up with this? No. You know what you have to do.

thefirst48 Thu 21-Feb-19 12:40:54

If it's been two years and nothings changed it will only get worse as the boy gets older and more stronger. Walk away now before it gets any worse.

Dalyesquire Fri 22-Feb-19 20:15:29

Again thank you all for your comments.

OP’s posts: |

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