How would you handle this?

[WinterIsHere1990]

So partner and I have recently split and I'm not sure what to do about his children?

We were together just over 3 years and was involved a lot as he has 50 50 custody. Now we've split I'm unsure about contact or what I should be doing for the best!?

Ex hasn't told the kids (protecting them for now I guess) so at the moment we're trying to keep things as normal as possible for them but I'm unsure how long we should be doing this for or if this is the right thing to do?

I don't want to just disappear from their lives as that's what a couple of mums boyfriends have done and the eldest has made comment about this. I don't want to be another person that's upd and left, if you see what I mean? They're both questioning where I am when they are at Dads and I don't know what to do for the best

Has anyone had experience of this or any advice please?

[LadyMinerva]

I would say it depends on the age of the kids. If they are quite young they might get confused if/when your ex gets in to another relationship. But if they are older then you might be able to have a friendship directly with them?

My step kids are in their early 20's. I've been in their lives since they reached double digits so I would be able to maintain some form of relationship with them. If they were younger I'm not sure how that would go as it would need to be facilitated by their parents.

[WinterIsHere1990]

Thanks, LadyMinerva, this is my worry - the whole confusion thing for them.

Unfortunately the kids are only young - the eldest been 10. Mum typically turns her attention to the latest boyfriend (which eldest struggles with) and I would hate for them to feel like they've been abandoned by someone who has been a steady influence for a few years.

Another chat with Dad is needed I guess...

[Magda72]

@WinterIsHere1990 - I mean this in the nicest possible way but you are not responsible for how their dm behaves in relationships, or how their dad may choose to behave post you. They are very young & realistically the chances of you being able to maintain ANY sort of relationship with them at that age is very low. You sound lovely & caring & I'm very sorry your relationship had broken down but I honestly think the best thing for everyone but you most especially is just to move on.
Even if you do manage to see them a bit, the minute your ex meets someone else you'll end up being sidelined - sorry to be so blunt & they are not old enough to keep a relationship with you independent of their dad.
It is also your ex's job to explain to them what has happen - not yours. Unfortunately for him he has to take the flack for this as he's the parent of these young children.

[DamonSalvatoresDinner]

Just keep in touch if you can. Maybe a day trip once in a while if you're on good enough terms with ex to organise it? Maybe a quick FaceTime during ex's contact days if he wants you guys to stay in touch? It's his call to make when it comes to his kids.

In all honesty there's not really much you can do. When step-parents leave there's no real link to have "access" any more. I've never seen any of my DF's exes but now as an adult I do have one on Facebook, like I do my ex-stepbrothers. It's pretty much the limit of our contact, sadly. Well, not sadly about stepmother. Tbh she was the definition of wicked stepmother at the time and she's only on my FB because I'm nosey and I am still friends with my brothers (step).

[WinterIsHere1990]

Thanks for your reply Magda72, I completely understand your point about it nothing to do with me. I know how much the kids have been affected by DMs behaviour - hence us been so close. I guess my post was more a question of do I phase things out until DF has told them.... he's currently burying his head in the sand about us splitting, unfortunately

DamonSalvatoresDinner thank you, this is what currently happens. I'm going for days out, shopping days etc but not going to the house as such. And this is only because the kids are asking me to. I'm sort of leaving it in ex's court to organise if I'm there etc. I'm thinking this will eventually fade out but for now it seems like the sensible idea. Apologies about your wicked stepmother, thankfully I've never had that title